Posted by: Larissa | 2009-05-14

Still a virgin and afraid

I am a 24yrs old Asian female in a relationship for the past year. I have been holding my boyfriend chaffing at the bit for sex, because I believed that my virginity should be a gift to my husband and pre-marital sex goes against my values. My boyfriend is becoming more demanding and I have even allowed him to see an ex-girlfriend as I know that he has been sexually active with her previously and is doing so now..He continues to maintain that he does not care about his ex and is only using her for the sex. This hurts me but I love him and do not want to loose him. I heard that sex can be very painful when you are a virgin. My boyfriend thinks that I do not care for him as I do not feel amorous towards him. Please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Dear Larissa,

It is very important for any person's well-being that what they do supports what they believe. You say that it is a strong value and principle of yours that you remain a virgin until you marry and that pre-marital sex is not acceptable. It is really important that a partner respects your values. Should you compromise your values, purely because you do not want to lose a partner, and not because you have reviewed your values and have come to a different insight and choose of your own inner conviction to shift or change a value, you may experience alot of emotional anguish after the fact.

For long term relationships to work it found that a couple needs to have significant commonalities, of which commonalities in values are central. The fact that your boyfriend does not share your values and furthermore does not respect them is of great concern. The fact that you have "compromised" by accommodating him to have sex with his ex-girlfriend is of great concern.

I would suggest you consider seeing a counsellor/therapist who also specialises in sexuality for support and guidance in this.

With regards to pain when having penetrative sex for the first time each woman's experience is different. Yet if the first time is handled with care, the woman is well aroused and lubricated, for many it is more of a brief discomfort to a mild initial pain if her hymen is still attached. A partner needs be gentle in the beginning and sensitive to the woman's cues. It is in the more rare occassions that if a woman has a rather thickened hymen that she may initially experience more discomfort and/or pain.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: meashay | 2009-07-15

no girl you curious to know so try it you dnt know what you missing there is nothing greater than sex it is fun unless you with the right person

Reply to meashay
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-15

Thank You Doc and Readers

Much appreciated

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-15

You should be proud of yourself. All the best

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Larissa | 2009-05-14

Thank you, everyone.
I am speechless by your kindness, understanding and support. I will take your advice and think quite seriously about my future. I am a professional, so perhaps I should focus my energies on my career for a while and rethink my personal life. I am glad to know that I am not what boys would call a tease, and that what I want is reasonable. Thank you all once again.

Reply to Larissa
Posted by: topdog | 2009-05-14

close ur legs,if he cannot wait,he just wants to have a screw with u .then brag to his mates.keep it under lock and key.

Reply to topdog
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-14

Hi Larissa. I wanted to add something to my previous post. Where does this all leave you? Have you thought about that? This man is obviously soiled rotten and used to get his way, anyway he wants. Once you are married, all is going to change. He will rule your life and you will have to fall in with his decisions. You sound like a mature and intelligent person to me who deserves better. If you for whatever reason are not available for sex for a certain period for instance, what do you think will happen? He is forever going to chase after some other girl. Marriage ia based on amongst other things respect and trust. He shows neither now. In his eyes you are a conquest and nothing else. Move on. Finding a husband is not all there is to life. Your culture might dictate otherwise than I understand, but the fact that you posted here shows that you are worried and that you do think about yourself as well. In the end, it is only you who must be happy  otherwise, you cannot possibly make any other person, even your husband in your marriage happy. O and by the way. I am, a man. His kind is a shame on real men.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: JUST A GUY | 2009-05-14

LARISSA believe me when i tell you he is not the one for have very true and honest intentions in regard to your believes stick by them real man will go get something he cant get from you to another woman..he is a fake  ..wants he takes from you what you have saved for your future soul mate he will just use you and move on ....please dont ...dont...dont ..wait for your soul mate he will come one day ....

Reply to JUST A GUY
Posted by: Anonymous | 2009-05-14

First of all, it is your right and decision to allow sexual intercourse or not. Full stop. If he really love and respect you, he should understand. Allowing him to see an ex for sex is of course your choice as well. Whether it was a wise decision, I would not know. How does this ex-sex fit in with your moral, cultural and spiritual framework? Then of course, on a practical level, how can you trust him? Is she the only “ ex”  he is seeing? Does he practice safe sex with her or others? No my dear, your so-called boyfriend wants his bread buttered both sides. Get him in line, or tell him to go.
O, and if you just relax with your first sexual encounter and take it slow, there is very little to worry about.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Admirer | 2009-05-14

Oh dear, sweetypie you are a rolemodel in terms of your values &  your determination to keep them. I was in the same situation that you are in, but I let myself down &  I' m not even with that guy anymore. Yes, it hurt - physically &  emotionally - but the emotional pain hurt way more than the physical &  its the emotional pain that will be difficult to get over. I was young &  naive. Mostly I have moved on, but now &  then I regret my decision because of the faith that I follow.

I encourage you to stand firm. Hold your ground - you are a woman of power &  no man can rule over you.

Furthermore, I hate to say this because I understand how heartbreaking it is, but any guy that would sleep with somebody else because you said no is not worthy of you. Just as you are to be a gift to your husband, it is only fair that he be a gift to you. This guy that you' re with does not love you completely &  the love that you offer is whole &  pure. Don' t waste any more time - get rid of him. I know it will hurt at first but you will get over it. You WILL find somebody else. After the guy I lost my virginity to, I have met increasingly better men &  I am still on the lookout because I believe that there is somebody out there who will not pressure me into anything but respect me as I do him. &  even if I don' t find a man, I have learned that you do not need a man to define yourself. Only You define who you are.

So you go girl, be an inspiration to all. Be what I &  many others did not have the strength to be. It is not a shame to be a virgin. It is not weak to have values &  stick by them.

Reply to Admirer

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