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Question
Posted by: Al | 2009/10/20

Stiefma vs bioma

Hoe kan mens die ongemaklikheid oplos tussen biomoms en Stiefma' s. Dit gaan tog oor die kinders en nie oor die grootmense se gevoelens nie. As die grootmense leer om saam te werk, sal dit nie ten gunste van die kinders wees nie. Die kinders sal altyd liewer wees vir hul regte ma' s, maar ons kan daar wees om die bio ma' s te help. Of wat is die plek van die stiefma' s? Moet ons betrokke wees, of liewer ontrek aan die kinders?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm not sure these are issues on which we can draw up universal laws, rather than deciding on a case-by-case basis. Obviously the adults should try acting like adults, and think of what would be best for the children, rather than being selfish about such issues. And if they can't sort it out between themselves, maybe working with a family counsellor ( eg through FAMSA ) might help.
Of course it's not easy being a stiefma if it was easy, just anybody could do it. Try to keep whatever issues remain between the adults separate and between them, not letting it affect the kids

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anonymous | 2016/02/09

Ek het n problem met die woord stiefma! Ek beskou n stiefma as iemand wat iemand anders se kind groot maak sou die biologiese ma gesterf het en die man trou weer, of weens n egskeiding waar die kinders deur die tweede ma gedeeltelik of ten volle groot gemaak word. Daar is vir my egter n hewige verskil as die ma nog lewe, die kinders bly nie by die nuwe ma nie en gaan kuier net nou dan by hulle biologiese pa. In my geval is albei my kinders al uit die huis en getroud en beskou ek beslis nie my gewese man se vrou my kinders se stiefma nie. Ek het n absolute hekel daarin dat sy hulle haar stiefkinders noem en self vir haar kinders wat ook al getroud is se dit is hulle stief sussies! My gewese man is alweer van die eerste vrou geskei en nou al met n derde een getroud en elke keer word die nuwe vrou hulle stiefma! rerig?

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: stepmom | 2013/09/30

I raise my 2 step kids with my husband. There biomom moved to Cape Town and left them in my care for over 5 years. I eventually pleaded with her to move back as i could see her kids were suffering and missed her. She finally moved back, but still acts the same. She maybe takes them one weekend a month, hardly ever helps with school work and complains if she has to, does not care if they need anything, has a new toyboy whose child she spends more time with than her own kids. She will tell them she cannot buy them anything and then go shopping for herself. She really pays nothing for them. Money aside, they really want to spend time with her and look forward to her visits and she just cannot wait to get rid of them. Really battling with this thing emotionally as I am a mom ( I had a daughter in my 20's and raised her on my own, this is my first marriage). I would do anything for my own child and just do not understand how you can do so little for your own kids and never want to help them with anything or just be there for them....... I really love the two girls and we get on very well and have just become a mom to them too, as I cannot stand seeing them suffer. I have called their biomom and pleaded with her, even fought with her to be a better mom for her kids, but she just tells me she is a great mom and she does not understand why i am upset. Even the girls have tried talking to her, she just blows it off and gives them a guilt trip about things. What do I do? So fed up with this woman, she does not see what she is doing to her kids, they often come crying to me. I know the difference between manipulation and real sadness in a child, my daughter has left school already.....

Reply to stepmom
Posted by: Ruby | 2009/10/20

Ek is nou al 12 jaar ' n stiefma vir 2 seuns en wat vir my gewerk het is dat ek NIKS met die bio ma te doen gehad het nie. As enige iets gereel of gedoen moes word, het my man dit gedoen. As ek haar dalk erens sou sien, groet ons vriendelik en dis dit. Ek het nog nooit in hierdie 12 jaar 2 woorde met die vrou gepraat nie en ek dink dit pas ons albei goed. Ek moet bysê  dat my man ' n wonderlike man en pa is en dit het dinge ook baie makliker gemaak as dit kom by reel en my konsidereer ens.

Sterkte, dis GLAD-NIE maklik om ' n Stiefma te wees nie.

Reply to Ruby
Posted by: Biomamma | 2009/10/20

Weet jy, daar kom ' n tyd wat ' n stief en ' n biomamma alleen moet sit en gesels. Regtig. Dit maak nie saak van die man nie. Hy' s my eks vir ' n rede en jou man vir ' n rede. Dit is die feit. Dit pla my dat stiefmamma nooit wil praat nie.

My kiddies se stiefma is so oulik! sy is kunstig en liefdevol en die kids is mal oor haar. Ons se altyd vir die 2 dat hulle baie gelukkig is - hulle het 2x meer oumas en oupas! It takes a village to raise a child, en dit is regtig " immortality" 

Skryf vir haar ' n brief en sit dit in die kind se sak. Nooi haar op ' n spesifieke middag vir koffie en gesels. As jy nie voel jy kan nie, skryf ' n brief. Wie weet, dalk wil sy uitreik, maar sy wil nie op tone trap nie.

groete

Reply to Biomamma
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/10/20

I'm not sure these are issues on which we can draw up universal laws, rather than deciding on a case-by-case basis. Obviously the adults should try acting like adults, and think of what would be best for the children, rather than being selfish about such issues. And if they can't sort it out between themselves, maybe working with a family counsellor ( eg through FAMSA ) might help.
Of course it's not easy being a stiefma if it was easy, just anybody could do it. Try to keep whatever issues remain between the adults separate and between them, not letting it affect the kids

Reply to cybershrink

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