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Question
Posted by: Zan | 2010/08/17

Stepson not accepting new mom

Good day

Im not sure how to handle this situation. My fiance is a divorcee and his divorce was recently through. We are getting married next year. Now he has 2 children, a 15year old son, and 10 year old daughter. His son lives with him and his daughter with the mom. I recently moved in with him and its evident that his son has not accepted the new person in the home. His not adjusting to my presence. Im currently unemployed and therefore im at home most of the time.

Please advise me how to handle his reception. Im not even sure how to play the role of being mom, becoz im a 25 year old and my fiance is 45 year old.

Please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hardly a day goes by without my reminding people that it is very rarely wise to rush into a committed relationship with someone undergoing a divorce or major break-up. It takes time, as well as psychological work for all involved to process and work through the emotional upheavel. Though emotional age is more important than chronological age in a relationship, your fiancee is nearly twice your age, and the son actually closer to your age.
You need first to discuss all this with him - how did he ( I surely hope he did ) discuss this with his son before you moved in ? He needed ( and certainly needs to do so now, if he omitted this vital step ) to talk with his son about the divorce, how each of them feels about it, and about how there is now a new person in his life, who he cares for - remember the boy must surely have significant love for his own mother, and can feel that you are in some sort of rush to replace her, and reluctant to make it easy for you to do so.
Once your fiancee has clarified how he and his son feel about this, plan a sesion for the three of you to talk about it further. Explain to him that you love his father and want to get to know and like him, and that as you are younger than his mom, you are not sure how best to relate to him, but will try your best to make it work, and hope for his help to make this work for all of your sakes.
If this doesn't work, consider a family session with a family counsellor ( eg from FAMSA ).

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Idol | 2010/08/17

Actually i just made calculations which make sense when i say he''s probably having a crash on you, you 10yrs older than him and your hubby is 20yrs older than you soon you''ll have two men fighting for you.

Reply to Idol
Posted by: Idol | 2010/08/17

Maybe he''s got a crash on you i mean you still young and there''s no way you can act mom on him, just my opinion.

Reply to Idol
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/17

Hardly a day goes by without my reminding people that it is very rarely wise to rush into a committed relationship with someone undergoing a divorce or major break-up. It takes time, as well as psychological work for all involved to process and work through the emotional upheavel. Though emotional age is more important than chronological age in a relationship, your fiancee is nearly twice your age, and the son actually closer to your age.
You need first to discuss all this with him - how did he ( I surely hope he did ) discuss this with his son before you moved in ? He needed ( and certainly needs to do so now, if he omitted this vital step ) to talk with his son about the divorce, how each of them feels about it, and about how there is now a new person in his life, who he cares for - remember the boy must surely have significant love for his own mother, and can feel that you are in some sort of rush to replace her, and reluctant to make it easy for you to do so.
Once your fiancee has clarified how he and his son feel about this, plan a sesion for the three of you to talk about it further. Explain to him that you love his father and want to get to know and like him, and that as you are younger than his mom, you are not sure how best to relate to him, but will try your best to make it work, and hope for his help to make this work for all of your sakes.
If this doesn't work, consider a family session with a family counsellor ( eg from FAMSA ).

Reply to cybershrink

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