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Question
Posted by: A | 2011-09-26

stepson and mother

i just need a bit of advice as to how we should handle this situation. my boyfriend''s son spent the weekend by us as well as his other two siblings (different mom). when we took him home on sunday immediately after that my boyfriend received a message from his mother saying that her son did not enjoy himself at all and he said that my boyfriend hit him..which we were shocked to hear because he''s never lifted his hands for his children and won''t ever....he scold him out a few times yes because of his wrong doing but never hit him....and that the other two siblings blames him for everything and they never get scolded out.....which are all lies whenever any of them does something wrong he will scold them out.....now she forbidding him to see his son again....i really don''t understand why he would make up such lies about his father....the mother on the other hand never even asked my boyfriend if what the son says is true or not....she just believed everything her son said...he''s been a very good father to his children he pay child maintance, and buys them clothes and if they need stuff for school and he at least wants to make time for his children....how do we handle his son and the lies he is telling? this is not the first time he makes up such lies

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I really believe it is important in situations like this that custody / visitation / access issues be decided and enforced by a court, to prevent one spiteful parent from taking advantage of situations to try to hurt the other parent, but to the disadvantage of the child.
Her reaction sounds unduly hasty, as you say, automatically accepting everything the child said, and without even discussing it with the biodad and yourself.
You mention that the boy has told lies before now - does the mother not recognize that ? Has he found that his lies are usually believed and can be useful ?
Have you had a chat with the other boys to clarify what happened during the visit ? It might not have been exactly what the mother reports, or what the boy told her ( which might be quite different ) but maybe some aspects of something that happened upset him more than the others recognized, and led him to decide he doesn't want to visit again ?
Otherwise, give it time. Whatever happened, the mother has reacted far too rapidly and unthinkingly. Let the boy and her settle down for a while and see if they remain of the same mind.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2011-09-26

He does sound like a spoilt brat. The mother cannot however refuse to let his father see him unless there has been a family court investigation by a social worker and the social worker recommends to the family court that the father not be allowed visitation or only supervised visitation. In this case, there has to be actual proof of abuse (i.e. frequent bruises/cuts etc. on his back/bottom/legs). It''s also very difficult to fake these kinds of injuries - unless he''s willing to let his mother beat him full of bruises to spite the father, which is highly unlikely.

The only way to handle a liar is to take everything they say with a pinch of salt. It doesn''t help to call them out on their lies, because they either make up another lie to explain their previous lie, or they denied having said it in the first place. In this particular case, the mother might be setting a terrible example by being a liar too, which makes her son think that lying is okay. I sincerely doubt that the son is the only one making up the lies about abuse...

Reply to Liza
Posted by: A | 2011-09-26

me and my boyfriend were there with them the whole time....he was never scolded out for something that one of his other siblings said but for what we witnessed he did.....before he was scolded out by my boyfriends mother at her house along with the other siblings as well and went to tell his mom that his grandma don''t like he must be there....and the mother believes everything her son says....they don''t have a very good relationship with his son''s mother they don''t really communicate with each other all that is done via her mother to my boyfriend and his mother.....it seems that everytime he gets scolded out he goes and tells lies to his mother which always believes him.....and if he don''t get what he wants....he acts very selfishly and always wants everything....for example over the weekend he wants he''s daddy to put a movie on the computer the one he wants to watch and He wants to play playstation (the computer and tv is in one room) at the same time and then the other two siblings just have to watch what he wants to or watch him play playstation because they can''t play....or if we buy food he asked for chicken but when he sees the other two has burgers he now decides that he also want that....i was thinking maybe he is not use to getting scolded out at home and maybe always gets what he wants.....i think maybe he just spoiled at home and don''t like the idea of not always getting what he wants when he is by us

Reply to A
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-09-26

I really believe it is important in situations like this that custody / visitation / access issues be decided and enforced by a court, to prevent one spiteful parent from taking advantage of situations to try to hurt the other parent, but to the disadvantage of the child.
Her reaction sounds unduly hasty, as you say, automatically accepting everything the child said, and without even discussing it with the biodad and yourself.
You mention that the boy has told lies before now - does the mother not recognize that ? Has he found that his lies are usually believed and can be useful ?
Have you had a chat with the other boys to clarify what happened during the visit ? It might not have been exactly what the mother reports, or what the boy told her ( which might be quite different ) but maybe some aspects of something that happened upset him more than the others recognized, and led him to decide he doesn't want to visit again ?
Otherwise, give it time. Whatever happened, the mother has reacted far too rapidly and unthinkingly. Let the boy and her settle down for a while and see if they remain of the same mind.

Reply to cybershrink

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