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Question
Posted by: A | 2011/12/13

Step/S

For the past 5years, I have provided nothing but a home, love and everything a child can want, from holidays to birthday parties. From a shoulder to cry on to buying the newest acnye creams

and what is my thank you and christmas gift for 2011,

I catch my 16yr old stepson in his room locked with a girl (doing the nasty) with my 8year old daugther playing in the next room.

The moment I opened the door they stopped, I frooze and said nothing hoping that they were so embarressed that they would apologize and the little tart would leave, instead he slammed the door shut and continued. I took my daugther and left can called my DH.

Its a week later and no one apologizes, no one confronts the situation, and everyone in the house including DH pretends that nothing happended.

I feel so humiliated and degraded - I feel like packing and leaving, so before I do this any advise?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dh probably feels embarrassed, too, and can't think of what to say. Leaving, of course, though tempting, won't solve anything. Kids are dumb and when their hormones start stirring, disengage the intelligent part of the brain and think with lower parts of their anatomy.
But pause and think. Of course you're bitterly disappointed at what he has done, and how he did it. And you've been an excellent parent. Indeed, by offering him everything he might want, maybe you even accidentally encouraged him to think that he should get whatever he wants, even this.
But now is when you really need to give him something more important - not a catastrophic response to what happened, but an opportunity to learn why that was a really bad idea, and to help him revise his thinking and become a good adult.
You need to sit down with your husband and insist on a serious talk between you about what happened, how you feel about it, and how he feels about it - and why you are alarmed and feel unsupported by him not really doing anything about it. And engage him, making it clear you and your son need his advice and help. Between you, plan how you will respond to this event.
You can't unmake it happen, but can seriously influence whether the boy feels aggrieved, ashamed, and determined to carry on but more sneakily, in future ; or whether he understands why, however tempting, this was a bad idea, and something he should not at his age continue with.Make sure you hear your son's point of view - there are really no excuses for what he did, beyond the obvious, but how he feels about it and how he intends to respond to it, is important to hear and understand, to regain a sense of control
Use this as an opportunity for good parenting,

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gail | 2011/12/19

I believe that Cybershrink has given you excellent advice. See this as an opportunity to connect with the men in your life and also apparently your home. There sounds as though there is more to this than meets the eye. because it is " YOUR house and HIS son. When you marry someone with children you as parents need to sit down beforehand and lay down some rules and provide firm guidelines. I am an old lady who had 3 sons and we handled things as a team (my husband and I). Men are always to an extent boys and one has to make it clear to the husband/man of the house what you will tolerate right from the start. My boys not only got the talk, they also got THE TALK in which we made it clear that failure to use a condom which would always be available in the bathroom cabinet no questions asked had dire consequences and that if they defiled any girl anywhere and got her pregnant they would be held responsible for the rest of the resulting child''s life for providing for her. We gave them figures on how much it costs to raise a child both in lost freedoms and financially. Most importantly they knew that WE MEANT WHAT WE SAID AND WOULD CARRY THROUGH because that was how we had always operated on any matter of discipline.
In terms of the impact this might have made had your daughter walked in on it we will never know since she didn''t so that''s not at issue but you might have found she was as disgusted as you are. Walking away just means you are running away from the problem and problems follow you. I''m proud to say that none of my sons have provided me with grandchildren yet and one is gay. I accept the world we live in for what it is and consider the sexual lives of my children their own even when they are in my house with their girlfriends/boyfriends. We as parents taught our children to respect a closed door and not to walk in without knocking since everyone needs their privacy. I could have walked in on my son who is gay for at least four years since he and his partner lived with me while he was studying and I was alone by then because my husband had died. I chose to come to terms with it and appreciate the fact that I was saving money and my relationship with my son. This is just another way of looking at it. Is it worth damaging several relationships over an isolated incident or would it not be better to talk calmly and conciliatorily with those who have " offended"  you by engaging in something you see as dirty but is actually quite natural. Make it clear that you will not tolerate this happening in " Your"  home as long as your husband is contributing absolutely nothing to you and the home''s upkeep. Act in haste and you will have a lifetime to repent at leisure and on your own.

Reply to Gail
Posted by: khanyi | 2011/12/19

My dear sister i feel for you.In my house he was not going to slam a door in my face, both of them they were going to dress outside (sjambok both) You did a good job as a mother figure and these is how he thank you.I wish all stepmom are like you but your husband is a key of your problem.That boy he did disrespect you by bringing someone in your house and slept with her but the father pretend as nothing happen by doing these the boy will do it again. My dear you are helping him to raise his son to be a responsible man in future but he is not working along with you. My advice tell your husband how you feel and set a family meeting with these boy to talk about his action especially disrepecting your home.Don''t leave your home because of a child it is hard i know but soon will be over since he is getting older and older everyday he will be gone at home. The only thing you can do just put your foot down by make sure he is not doing it at your house again because you can''t stop him now he already taste. Mostly you must tell him once he impregnant someone you are not willing to be a grandmom and he will leave the school and work for his child since he want to jump stages.I don''t know what to say i feel your pain but still i insist your husband must play his role as man and father of these boy.Goodluck

Reply to khanyi
Posted by: T | 2011/12/19

Tito. I feel really bad about what is happening with you brother. I can feel his pain. Some, I mean some people can be very bad. To be honest with you, your is really a quite person. Because if you are the person who bring money in the house, you have the power to change things accordingly unless you are are not a bread winner. I wish I can see or talk to him because this thing is going to kill him inside without him realizing. It is very pain for a man to be disrespected like this. This guy is suffering inside more than you know. For me I believe that love and respect goes together, you think for each other not for yourself. You can not say you love me and disrespect me at the same time.

Reply to T
Posted by: tito | 2011/12/15

i have a problem with my sister-in-law,the time she get married i was thought i got my sister becouse i don''t have my own sister,but the things change she hate everybody in the family even my mam,she''s gossiping with me and my family,i did comfront her about that but she never say nothing,she''s not working when my brother got maney she took all the money,the house is falling apart she does''nt care i don''t know what she ''s doing with the money she''s not drinking.me and my mam we working in the same company we don''t care abuut their money becouse she''s always spending the maney with her family,her family stay with my brother''s house i''m very warried about my brother becouse he''s very quiety,my sister-in-law is desrespectfully the other day my mum went to them to ask for the money my mum told them she''s going to bring the money the following day, my sister-in-law start shouting my mum,my brother try to stop his wife but she did not listen and she shout my brother also,my brother tell his wife must give my mum the money but his wife refuse,i was very angry about that i don''t know what must i do.

Reply to tito
Posted by: A | 2011/12/13

thanks CS and Maria,

I guess what I failed to mention is that this 16yr old has had the birds and bees discussion with his dad, this is also a focus in his school curriculum, (I know this as I help with assignments) He knows the pros and cons of his actions,

What pisses me off is the respect this boy has for my house, for me as the mother figure in the house and the example this will set for my daugther going forward in her teen life.

Reply to A
Posted by: Maria | 2011/12/13

I understand that you are upset, I would also have been under those circumstances. I think you are more likely to get constructive action out of your husband if you focus on the dangers of his son''s activities rather than your own hurt feelings. Sit him down and calmly tell him that you are very concerned about his son''s activities, and that you wonder how much the boy knows about contraceptions and STI''s. Point out to him the far reaching effect it will have on the boy if he gets a girl pregnant at his age, and the danger of contracting HIV or another STI. Tell him that as a father it is his duty and privilege to educate his son about these matters, and that keeping quiet sends the message that he condones his son''s actions.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/12/13

Dh probably feels embarrassed, too, and can't think of what to say. Leaving, of course, though tempting, won't solve anything. Kids are dumb and when their hormones start stirring, disengage the intelligent part of the brain and think with lower parts of their anatomy.
But pause and think. Of course you're bitterly disappointed at what he has done, and how he did it. And you've been an excellent parent. Indeed, by offering him everything he might want, maybe you even accidentally encouraged him to think that he should get whatever he wants, even this.
But now is when you really need to give him something more important - not a catastrophic response to what happened, but an opportunity to learn why that was a really bad idea, and to help him revise his thinking and become a good adult.
You need to sit down with your husband and insist on a serious talk between you about what happened, how you feel about it, and how he feels about it - and why you are alarmed and feel unsupported by him not really doing anything about it. And engage him, making it clear you and your son need his advice and help. Between you, plan how you will respond to this event.
You can't unmake it happen, but can seriously influence whether the boy feels aggrieved, ashamed, and determined to carry on but more sneakily, in future ; or whether he understands why, however tempting, this was a bad idea, and something he should not at his age continue with.Make sure you hear your son's point of view - there are really no excuses for what he did, beyond the obvious, but how he feels about it and how he intends to respond to it, is important to hear and understand, to regain a sense of control
Use this as an opportunity for good parenting,

Reply to cybershrink

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