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Question
Posted by: Jacque | 2012-07-16

Step kids

Hi there

I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 2 years now, we are engaged. He was single before me for 7 years. I have two kids, one is 3 living with me, one is 10 living with his dad, and my fiancee has 2 kids 15 year old boy and 17 year old girl. I don''t want him to parent my eldest son, and i think i don''t want to parent or get involved with his kids when it comes to discipline, cleaning their room, doing homework, etc. It is stressing me out and causing alot of pressure in our relationship. What do I do towards his kid, how do i act and what should my role be. I feel he lets them get away with murder and he never follows through what he says.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wonder whether what you are planning is likely to be able to work out, or is desirable. Why dont you want this man to parent your older son ? Would it upset his father, with whom he lives ? Is it because you anticipate there's be conflict between this new man and your ex ? Because if you don't think the man is a fit father for your children, one wonders why you;d want him as a fiancee.
And why don't you want to become involved in parenting his children, who apparently would be living with you, and are young enough to need an available step-mother rather than a distant stranger ? The problems you describe are typical of what can arise and need solution, and couples counselling can help a lot.
If there are children in the home, nomatter who are their biological parents, they need parenting, and that MUST include a shared role of both available parents in setting and administering the SAME rules in the SAME way, or there will be endless and fruitless conflict. Sort out the differences of opinion between you and apply the resultant plan together - if you are living with a man and his children, you can't abdicate your responsibilities

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-07-16

I wonder whether what you are planning is likely to be able to work out, or is desirable. Why dont you want this man to parent your older son ? Would it upset his father, with whom he lives ? Is it because you anticipate there's be conflict between this new man and your ex ? Because if you don't think the man is a fit father for your children, one wonders why you;d want him as a fiancee.
And why don't you want to become involved in parenting his children, who apparently would be living with you, and are young enough to need an available step-mother rather than a distant stranger ? The problems you describe are typical of what can arise and need solution, and couples counselling can help a lot.
If there are children in the home, nomatter who are their biological parents, they need parenting, and that MUST include a shared role of both available parents in setting and administering the SAME rules in the SAME way, or there will be endless and fruitless conflict. Sort out the differences of opinion between you and apply the resultant plan together - if you are living with a man and his children, you can't abdicate your responsibilities

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