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Question
Posted by: Li | 2011/06/15

Step family and money

We got married in January ths year. My husband is a divocee with two children and the reason to end the marriage ws because the ex was cheating on him. I also have a child from a previous relationship. My husband''s finances is a mess, he''s got every loan you can think of. I have non and as a result I bring more money than him. The ex wife is working but she is nt paying even a cent towards the upbringing of the girls. She is going around telling everybody that I will pay everything for her kids because I chose to marry her husband. In the beginning I did not mind to assist my husband here and there towards their fees and other things but now I have decided that I will not do anything for them so that my husband forces her to at least pay maintenance for them. My husband was granted the custody on grounds that he will do everything for the girls. He tried to talk to the ex wife and she refused to contrbute on their upbringing telling my husband that he said he was going to do all for them. Please advice me, should I just turn a blind eye and help my husband with the kids or should I just concentrate on my child? I have really neglected my child and her needs because now all of a sudden, instead of getting one bicycle, I have to get three and my child is not used to not her needs being attended to. My husband also thinks that my child fees are very high and I need to take her to where his kids are so that they alll grow together, I don''t like their school.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why not have a maintenance court decide what each parent should contribute to the children's costs - and that may help to remind her that her personal bitterness ( especially if she were the guilty and cheating party in the divorce ) doesn't justify expecting an innocent party like you, to pay the expenses of her children. DId he get into so much debt through general financial foolishness, or for particular reasons ? And does he have a ealistic plan, with good advice, for getting out of debt asap ?
Don't leave it to him to "force her" to pay towards her children's maintenance - that can become the court's job. She is not entitled to decide who will contribute what.
There's no reason all 3 kids should go to the same school.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Peas | 2011/06/17

My husband and I have been supporting his parents for the past 10 years, to our own detriment. We cannot afford to do so any more and have young children of our own to support. The parents unfortunately cannot understand this. Sometimes you get into debt trying to help others out and when you wake up and smell the coffee, you are in a huge debt. Your husband has to start making changes now. He cannot take responsibility for his extended family anymore, he has to think about you and your combined children. I think he should also sell his car, no body needs flashy cars these days, except government. It is unfair towards you that you must contribute so much and the ex-wife washes her hands of her own flesh and blood. If your husband does not take the lead, then you will unfortunately have to get a court process started to force her to pay towards the children. You should do this ASAP as the courts have huge backlogs. I hope you come right and that this can be sorted as you sound like a loving wife and mother who cares about her family.

Reply to Peas
Posted by: Same | 2011/06/15

Enough reason to leave his lying ass. He should have been upfront and honest with you from day 1. And counting on a bonus is never a good idea, things happen.

Geez it boggles my mind how people can get themselves into so much debt for luxury.

Reply to Same
Posted by: Li | 2011/06/15

Thanks you guys, I will say he is into debts because of the ex wife, he loved her alot and was doing everything and anything to satiesfy her so that she stays with him (he took a personal loan at work (he works at the bank) and took another personal loan at another bank where he''s got an account. Each personal loans were at 75 000. When the wife left, to boost his ego, he took a car loan amounting to half a million. All these loans repayments are what takes a large chunk of his salary. I aksed him to get help but he insists that he does not need one, he works as a management accountant at work. He claims he''s got a plan but we have to wait until december when he gets a bonus I find myself having to do everything in our household. And yes, we are married in community of property, guess I was not informed.

Reply to Li
Posted by: Liza | 2011/06/15

Talk to your husband. He has to go to court and get a maintenance order so that his wife can pay maintenance. The kids suffer because of a bitter parent who loves her hate more than she loves her kids.

It truly sounds like your husband is over-indebted. Where you married in community of property? Or do you have a prenuptial contract? Perhaps it would be best if he applied for debt counseling? You can''t continue to subsidize his costs. It''s not fair to your own child.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Li | 2011/06/15

@Same, thanks. I really need to rethink the whole thing.

Reply to Li
Posted by: Same | 2011/06/15

You need to seriously think if thats the way you want to spend the rest of your life, you are making major sacrifices and for what exactly?

Sorry for being so blunt but I am in so deep already, you are still in early days. Please think of your child...

As far as his mom and sister thats BS you need to put your foot down or get going.

Reply to Same
Posted by: Li | 2011/06/15

@Same, I think the problem here is that my Husband did not give me a true reflection of his finances. I thought his salary at least will cover his kids fees and that would not be on me. Now working on his budget after alll the loans, he can''t even pay the fees for the girls, in January I assisted him with the fees, in april as well and now in august he still wants me to pay their fees. Am also a part time university student, in January I did not register because I was attending to the children''s fees. The second semester starts in August and I cannot afford not to go back to school. I don''t mind mind getting them clothes and other things where I can afford, my problem is now I find myself having to do everything for them because literally my husband does not bring that much. He is the only child andhe feels that he is obligated to provide for his mom and his mom''s older sisters who are still in high school.

Reply to Li
Posted by: Same | 2011/06/15

I am sorry to say this but you should have thought of all of this before you married him. Her saying that because you married him now you can pay for everything is so typical of a bitter woman, I know this been there done that and it wont change!

I unfortunately dont really have any advise for you what can you do? Its just sad bacause now your child has to suffer...

Reply to Same
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/06/15

Why not have a maintenance court decide what each parent should contribute to the children's costs - and that may help to remind her that her personal bitterness ( especially if she were the guilty and cheating party in the divorce ) doesn't justify expecting an innocent party like you, to pay the expenses of her children. DId he get into so much debt through general financial foolishness, or for particular reasons ? And does he have a ealistic plan, with good advice, for getting out of debt asap ?
Don't leave it to him to "force her" to pay towards her children's maintenance - that can become the court's job. She is not entitled to decide who will contribute what.
There's no reason all 3 kids should go to the same school.

Reply to cybershrink

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