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Question
Posted by: Veronica | 2010/07/16

Step families/step mother.....problems...

I am a single mom to a seven year old girl and earlier ths year I met a wonderful man who was going thru a divorce and it was finalised in June this year. He is a father to two kids, one 9 and the other is 6. They are good kids but everytime after their visit to their mom over wknds they come back very distant to me and call me by my name. I never or my boyfriend said they should call me mom but they have started calling me that.

I don''t live with them but I spend most of my time at their house with my daugther and i have realised that it is not going to be easy to discipline them especially when their dad is not around. There was a time when I was dishing out for everyone and the other one said she was full only to go to the kitchen a minute later to dish for herself and their dad just laughed it off.

My problem is, we are planning to marry in February next year but I think there will be problems in as far as discliplining the children is concerned. He believes he has done the right job in raising his kids and I believe my daugther is the most discliplined child in the world.

Another thing is he was married to a woman who cheated on him with multiple people and everytime when am not around him, he calls me every five minutes and in the two mnths when I was out of the country, he was even threatining to take my daugther from my family if I don''t come back. My other problem is also the ex wife, she is stalking me. She creates facebook accounts just to get into my account by using names of the people I know. We (me and my boyfriend) had to put on privacy settings to prevent her from sending us mails.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

One needs to be cautious on entering a relationship with someone very newly divorced, as they are likely to have a lot of unfinished business they still need to work through before being emotionally free for a genuine new relationship rather than a sort of replay of the previous one. This is illustrated in him apparently carrying over into his relationship with you the suspicions that were appropriate in his previous relationship with a cheater.
And in ANY couple, there needs to be free communication and mutually agreed, shared disciplinary rules and consequences for the children.
If the ex is genuinely stalking you, you could apply for a court order forbidding her to do this. Privacy setting should be routine anyway, and people who choose to indulge in Facebook need to be aware of the risks they open themselves up to by doing so
Naria is right. Counselling, individually and togather should be done before moving into marriage

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2010/07/16

Please go for counselling, separately and together, before you commit to getting married. These issues will NOT go away, you must either agree upfront on how to handle it or go you separate ways.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/16

One needs to be cautious on entering a relationship with someone very newly divorced, as they are likely to have a lot of unfinished business they still need to work through before being emotionally free for a genuine new relationship rather than a sort of replay of the previous one. This is illustrated in him apparently carrying over into his relationship with you the suspicions that were appropriate in his previous relationship with a cheater.
And in ANY couple, there needs to be free communication and mutually agreed, shared disciplinary rules and consequences for the children.
If the ex is genuinely stalking you, you could apply for a court order forbidding her to do this. Privacy setting should be routine anyway, and people who choose to indulge in Facebook need to be aware of the risks they open themselves up to by doing so
Naria is right. Counselling, individually and togather should be done before moving into marriage

Reply to cybershrink

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