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Posted by: Caring Stepmom | 2012/03/27

Step Daughter = Drugs

Good monring, my 23 year old step-daughter told us (me and her father) that she has a drug problem since the age of 16. (I have only been in her life for the past 8 months). At our functions etc. she had to be the centre of attention and very overbearing. Now I understand why. This is knew to me, she asked us a month ago if she can move in with us, we don''t have the space, making a plan. But now I don''t know if I want her around my 13 year old (very funrable at this age) and his 8 year old (that we are fighting custody over, since her aunt took her awy via court order when her mom died in a car accident). I love my two step daughters, I care about them. (I am very scared I give them attention than my own daughter). I want to help the eldest, all I could say to her last night is that she is brave and made the first step, that we will support her all the way. She is going to her first meeting this week. What can I, as her step-mom (oh her dad and I are not married only living together in loveless, sexless way, we are more like friends) do for her?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

She needs expert professional assessment and treatment. Moving in with you isn't likely in itself to be useful for her, and yes, might become problematic for the younger children. And like others, I'm a bit bothered about the "loveless, sexless" relationship itself. Is that really desirable ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/03/27

lt is incredible that you feel u can sort out someones problems when yr life is such a mess.
u r in a loveless relationship and exposing yr daughter to a drug addict.........Maybe is absolutely right!

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Maria | 2012/03/27

Just wanted to add that it might not reflect too well on dad in the custody battle that he is living with a woman he isn''t even in a relationship with, never mind committed or married to. A social worker or psychologist might interpret that to mean that the kid will have more stability with her aunt, there must be a reason why the court order was granted in the first place. The last thing you should do under these circumstances is describe yourself as a stepmom.

I speak with some experience here, having married a man who was involved in a disputed adoption with grandparents at the time. (Long story.) Even though I had been effectively functioning as the child''s mother for months and her biological mother was deceased, I didn''t feature in the court''s eyes at all until we got married.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2012/03/27

I think it is admirable that you want to help this girl. How does she and her dad feel about it? I would describe you as a friend of the family rather than a stepmom, but the label doesn''t matter as much as the relationships. My concern would be what happens to the girls if you and their dad decide to go your separate ways. Clearly you don''t have a romantic relationship, and one of you might meet somebody else or simply decide the arrangement doesn''t work for you any more. The 8 year old in particular doesn''t need to lose another mother figure out of her life. You must discuss this with him seriously.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Romany | 2012/03/27

You are nobdy''s " step mom" . You need to be married for that.
Stay out of their business and worry about your own children.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Maybe | 2012/03/27

If you are with their father lovelessly and you are already calling yourself their step-mom, what do you think will happen when you up and go after meddling in their lives? If there is no Love there, how do you intend to be of any valuable support? LOVELESS is a serious word and you said it not me. You need to decide whether you are a step-mom or daddy''s friend, you can''t be both. Committing yourself to be a step-mom when you cannot commit yourself to love their father is very strange.

Take note - CS also finds it worrying....

Reply to Maybe
Posted by: Caring Step-mom | 2012/03/27

" Maybe"  - I can take care of myself, it is the daughters that need me know, I can do what I need to do at a later stage. She is still young and needs me/us to support and ove her. I am 45 I can handle life as it is, it is not bad, actually I had so many harmfull realationships in my life, that the relaitonship I have now is good, we are very close as friends, and he does care about us, so for now that is good for me and what I need. Maybe I shouldn''t have written about my life and concentrated on my step-daughters problem as it seems like my life is more important then a young lady throwing her life away to drugs.

Reply to Caring Step-mom
Posted by: Caring Step-mom | 2012/03/27

" Maybe"  - I can take care of myself, it is the daughters that need me know, I can do what I need to do at a later stage. She is still young and needs me/us to support and ove her. I am 45 I can handle life as it is, it is not bad, actually I had so many harmfull realationships in my life, that the relaitonship I have now is good, we are very close as friends, and he does care about us, so for now that is good for me and what I need. Maybe I shouldn''t have written about my life and concentrated on my step-daughters problem as it seems like my life is more important then a young lady throwing her life away to drugs.

Reply to Caring Step-mom
Posted by: Bella | 2012/03/27

@ Maybe

Listen chicken, it''s way too early in the morning for such nastiness. If you have a problem, why not write to cybershrink your self? Life is way too short! Take a deep breath, smile, and try have a good day, because I can guarantee that your negative attitude isn''t going to make the world a better place, no matter how much you think you need to prove it.


@ caring step mom

Go to the meetings as well. There is a support group for the friends and families that are also affected by addiction. They will give you advice on how to handle the situation.

Reply to Bella
Posted by: Maybe | 2012/03/27

Maybe you should first post about your loveless sexless living arrangements and let''s tackle that first. Maybe you should not worry your pretty little head with step-mom duties if you are here " Lovelessly"  yourself.

Reply to Maybe
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/27

She needs expert professional assessment and treatment. Moving in with you isn't likely in itself to be useful for her, and yes, might become problematic for the younger children. And like others, I'm a bit bothered about the "loveless, sexless" relationship itself. Is that really desirable ?

Reply to cybershrink

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