Posted by: Anon61 | 2013-01-14

Step daughter

Hi Doc

i have a step kid, and am starting to dislike her very much, she is constantly running to her mother with " rules"  my husband and i have set in our house eg: bedtime. His x then calls and blasts him. his x wants him to do as she says when it comes to the daughter. I am getting fed up.

The daughter likes to cause conflict when dad is not home. she is a child 7 years old.

I now feel angry and depressed when i know it my husbands week end with her. what do you suggest??

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Our expert says:
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Its rarely easy to be a step-parent, but it can be unnecessarily made very much harder by the failure of the bio-parents to co-operate for the benefit of the child and to avoid shoving their own bitterness into the child's life.
Within YOUR house ( where you and your now husband live ) YOUR rules count absolutely, just as if the child went on holiday to Spain, it'd have to obey Spanish law.
The mother is entitled to have different rules within her own home if she sincerely believes these involve very important issues, rather than being different manipulatively, so as to make trouble within your household.
The rules in your household should be agreed by both you and the biodad, and he should defend them absolutely hen his ex wants to make unnecessary trouble over them.
For the ex's to allow such needless conflict for the sake of getting back at each other, is a form of child abuse and strongly to be condemned.
In such a situation, caused by at least selfish and vindictive parent, most children are tempted to seize the opportunity and manipulate their elders for their own benefit, even simply to exercise a sense of power. It's not her fault.
Sit down and have a serious chat with your husband about how this is not tolerable and how he must work with you to devise a basic set of rules you both agree, and then make it totally clear to his ex that ONLY those rules apply within your shared house, and its none of his ex's business if these happen to difer from the rules she chooses for her own home

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon61 | 2013-01-14

Thank you Step mom of 3 and Doc

Reply to Anon61
Posted by: Step Mom of 3 | 2013-01-14

This is a very tough job. BUT here is what I have done. This is OUR home and these are the rules in OUR home. I am not your mother but I am the mother of THIS house.

Telling you to tell your husband to stand up to her is a waste of time because all step fathers seem to be unable to. They cannot put her in her place. They cannot tell her sorry dear this is my rules in my house so butt out. They cannot stand by you either.

With that said. How does she cause conflict when he is not at home? YOU are in charge of YOUR home - lay the rules down and INFORM him this is how it will and will not work.

She then has the choice to come on weekends or stay at her mom. Punishment should be consequent and enforced.


ps. never disagree in front of her - always put up an united front. Later you two can discuss it but for then, stick together.

Reply to Step Mom of 3

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