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Question
Posted by: Dilemma | 2011/02/02

Spendthrift sibling

Within our family 2 of us lead what can be considered to be a normal life, employed, married with kids etc, but the 3rd sibling is a bit of a problem.
He is a spendthrift and a bit workshy. He jumps from one job to the other, always looking for the" big One" , never has any money and when he does have it he spends it like he has won the lotto. He is seperated from his wife and is flat broke. Out of family concerns we all try to step in and help him out, he is heading towards financial ruin, but it seems as if we are pouring money into a bottomless pit. The question is, are we empowering him by continually helping him out or should we say NO MORE and leave him to lose his house and go into bankrupcy and hope that he wakes up and starts acting responsibly. I don''t think he realises the long term adverse effects of bankrupcy.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

The spendthrift and the workshy never deserve any financial assistance from others. Of course he'll never find "the big one" by jumping around from job to job - and if he accidentally came across it, they wouldn't dream of employing someone with such a lousy work history.
By "helping him out" financially, you are only encouraging him to spend stupidly and to be foolish about money - so long as he knows youguys will always bail him out, why should he bother to work hard, earn well, and save sensibly ? That pit is, indeed bottomless.
That sort of help is the precise opposuite of empowering someone. Check the web and read up about co-dependency, and about Tough Love.


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Our users say:
Posted by: Lin | 2011/02/02

You''re only enabling him to go on like this by helping him. He''s a grown man and needs to take responsibility for his actions. Tell him that you won''t be giving him any more money and that he needs to grow up and learn responsibility. Otherwise this will go on forever!

Reply to Lin
Posted by: Shoes | 2011/02/02

Hi,

We are in a similar position. We have been supporting our in- laws for 8 years as they say they are too old to work - 60 years old...

But we cannot afford to give them anymore money. So I think you have to give your sibling options, always putting the ball in his court so that he must make the decision and if it fails, then he cannot blame you.

We have offered to pay a third of their expenses, with a sibling paying a third and the parents paying a third. If they cannot do this, then we have to sell assets. What irritates me is that they think it is their right to annex our income.

So, you have to be cruel to be kind. No more help, your sibling must support him/herself.

Hope my 2 cents helps!

Reply to Shoes
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/02

The spendthrift and the workshy never deserve any financial assistance from others. Of course he'll never find "the big one" by jumping around from job to job - and if he accidentally came across it, they wouldn't dream of employing someone with such a lousy work history.
By "helping him out" financially, you are only encouraging him to spend stupidly and to be foolish about money - so long as he knows youguys will always bail him out, why should he bother to work hard, earn well, and save sensibly ? That pit is, indeed bottomless.
That sort of help is the precise opposuite of empowering someone. Check the web and read up about co-dependency, and about Tough Love.


Reply to cybershrink

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