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Question
Posted by: Depressed Mother | 2012/07/10

Sons emotional damage

I am a mother of 2 teenage sons, my husband died in a car accident 2 months ago. I discovered that my husband has a 4 year old child with another woman on the day of the funeral and my in-laws new about it. My late husband and I have always taught our sons to respect themselves &  women &  never to do anything that would make them lose their integrity. We have taught them to break the circle of being "  a stereotypical black men”  who carelessly make babies with different women whom they are not committed too and showed them examples of politicians who have been reported to have been involved in sex scandals etc. But unfortunately all my efforts went down the drain at his funeral. The one person my sons looked up to, had betrayed their trust &  left them confused. My mother in law invited my sons to visit her 3-weeks ago &  I found out that she was hosting a birthday party for the child and introduced her to my sons without my consent &  the other women was there as well. I received a child-maintenance order from the other woman, which my older son signed for &  he told me that he overhead the other woman telling my in-laws that my husband had filed for divorce and was moving in with her, which is a lie. My son wanted answers from me which I could not answer bcoz I am equally shocked by the discovery. I am not concerned about my in-laws entertaining and taking the other woman’ s side, that’ s their problem for believing a liar, but I am concerned about how to make my sons believe in the moral and family values I have always wanted them to grow up with. They are angry and disgusted that I am being sued for child-maintenance and the woman intends claiming from my husband’ s estate.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Grief is never easy to handle ; but one of the factors that can make it especially hard is where one's feelings are ambivalent, especially where there are valid reasons for anger and resentment.
Now, it appears that your husband was unfaithful and chose to keep this carefully secret from you, but not from his parents ; and that this women was content to have an affair and a child with a man she surely knew was married. Presumably he supported her at least since the birth of the child, without informing you, and apparently he failed to make a proper will recording his wishes as to the disposition of his estate, in which he could have left money to her or not.
Obviously you need really good legal advice.
It sounds as though your mother-in-law mischievously and enthusiastically endorsed his choice to have an affair and an illegitimate child. And it was irresponsible of her to introduce your sons to the child and the other woman, sneakily and without your consent.
For them to have enabled and allowed the woman to serve a child maintenance order on you by getting the child to sign for it is astonishingly manipulative and seedy.
Your husband surely could not have filed for divorce from you, without your knowledge. Maybe he lied to the woman, but she should have been sceptical.
A lawyer could tell you, but it sounds astonishing to me that she could have the enormous cheek to seek a child support order AGAINST YOU - you are not the child's parent nor in any way responsible for it. Maybe she has a legitimate claim against your husband's estate, but all claimants against an estate have to wait until the estate is settled by the Executor ( have you seen his will and who is the execotur ? )
Yes, of course, this is also a difficult thing to explain to and discuss with, your sons, and you can only take your time and in a series of discusione be frank about how you were kept in ignorance of this, and how you feel - and how this episode with their father doesn't actually undermine all the good things you have tried to teach them about how one ought to behave, but perfectly illustrates WHY you were right, and about how much hurt it causes when someone, like their father, ignores those basic moral principles respected by all cultures.

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2012/07/10

I have to agree with Ricky.
If nothing else it will show your sons that you dissaprove of your in-laws ways of doing things. This will give them new trust in you, the only parent they have now.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Ricky | 2012/07/10

I will keep my sons away from the in-laws, If they dont respect the death of my husband and the father of my children, I will cut them out of my life in a blink of an eye...clearly they dont care how much they hurt you guys...so sent them straight to hell, with a oneway ticket.

Reply to Ricky
Posted by: Purple | 2012/07/10

What a horrible shock this must have been for you.

The example and wonderful way that you guide your sons will continue to stand them in good stead.

Perhaps you need to say to your sons that you just don''t know what to say, but that the kind of hurt these things cause people is the reason you do your best to teach them to lead a moral life. Point out that they should never repeat this behaviour and cause the same hurt and pain to their families when they are adults.

Remind them though that their father loved them but you are very hurt and confused, as they are, by him having made a mistake but keeping it hidden from his family but involving his child and misstress in his parents lives like she had a legitimate right to be there when she didn''t.

They are old enough and have your solid grounding to be able to think through and reason this in their own minds.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: kk | 2012/07/10

my heart is breaking.i can`t imagine what you are going through and how this feels.i have 2 year old twins and my husband`s family is also allowing him to cheat behind my back and he takes my kids to visit these girlfriends.....for the in laws-you were witnesses at the wedding and as a witness it is your rwsponsibility to see and help the couple forward and on the right path.shame on you!depressed mother-don`t give in to the devil`s work dear.ask God for strenght and guidance and go and see a lawyer.you are not responsible for this child you knew nothing about.if the in laws knew,they should help that delilah raise her child ....

Reply to kk
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/10

Grief is never easy to handle ; but one of the factors that can make it especially hard is where one's feelings are ambivalent, especially where there are valid reasons for anger and resentment.
Now, it appears that your husband was unfaithful and chose to keep this carefully secret from you, but not from his parents ; and that this women was content to have an affair and a child with a man she surely knew was married. Presumably he supported her at least since the birth of the child, without informing you, and apparently he failed to make a proper will recording his wishes as to the disposition of his estate, in which he could have left money to her or not.
Obviously you need really good legal advice.
It sounds as though your mother-in-law mischievously and enthusiastically endorsed his choice to have an affair and an illegitimate child. And it was irresponsible of her to introduce your sons to the child and the other woman, sneakily and without your consent.
For them to have enabled and allowed the woman to serve a child maintenance order on you by getting the child to sign for it is astonishingly manipulative and seedy.
Your husband surely could not have filed for divorce from you, without your knowledge. Maybe he lied to the woman, but she should have been sceptical.
A lawyer could tell you, but it sounds astonishing to me that she could have the enormous cheek to seek a child support order AGAINST YOU - you are not the child's parent nor in any way responsible for it. Maybe she has a legitimate claim against your husband's estate, but all claimants against an estate have to wait until the estate is settled by the Executor ( have you seen his will and who is the execotur ? )
Yes, of course, this is also a difficult thing to explain to and discuss with, your sons, and you can only take your time and in a series of discusione be frank about how you were kept in ignorance of this, and how you feel - and how this episode with their father doesn't actually undermine all the good things you have tried to teach them about how one ought to behave, but perfectly illustrates WHY you were right, and about how much hurt it causes when someone, like their father, ignores those basic moral principles respected by all cultures.

Reply to cybershrink

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