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Posted by: Destroyed | 2010/09/02

So the baby is not mine...why such cruelty

I (27) have recently found out, in a most cruel and embarrassing manner that my daughter (5) is not actually mine.
Ok, my''daughter'' was falling ill every now and then and according to my culture (Zulu), certain rituals must be performed in order to correct this. So the ritual was performed and the sickness persisted and in my culture, this implies that the baby does not belong to my family. When the sickness persisted, I didn''t reall y panick as I''m very much modern and don''t place much reliance on the premitive ways of doing things.One day, the elders called me aside and told me point blank that this baby is not mine and thatthey had suspected long a go but didn''t want to create conflict. I asked them what drove to their suspicion, they told me when my grandmother examined the palm of her hand after birth, she was not satisfied.
I was furious at them but had to remain respectful. Remember, my girlfriend knows nothing abt this at this point and I really didn''t want her to catch wind of this as I was convinced that the baby was mine and I loved her. We were due to get married in December. The elders called a meeting with my g/f''s family and informed them point blank that " THIS BABY IS NOT OURS" . This meeting was called without consulting me!!!!!!! Obviously my girlfriend became aware of this and there was a whole lot of crying. At this point I was beginning to have doubts coz elders are not normaly wrong about these things!!!!! I sat my g/f down and boldy suggested a pertenity test, to which she flatly refused citing that I''m insulting her bla..bla..blah and then my suspicion grew and until she gave in and gues what...THE BABY IS NOT MINE. I have been crying since last week but am beginning to regain my compusure, hence I was able to write this post. I can''t say I don''t know what to do coz its pretty obvious but it is ripping me apart. They had become part of my life. I''m destroyed and depressed. Ihave not seen her ever since.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If you believe in and work entirely within the system of traditional beliefs, it's more clear what you should do. Similarly, if you do NOT share such beliefs and hold to more modern and scientific views. When you are caught between two systems of belief, it's much more difficult, as you've found. It seems to me that the elders have been seriously disrespectful of you and of her, by not even consulting you about your wishes or letting you know of the confrontation they planned.
It was wise of you to arrange a scientific paternity test - and golly, apparently their suspicions proved to be correct. The result is potentially deeply upsetting for both of you. I understand that you might want to end your relationship with her, feeling she deceived you. Some men might decide to go ahead with the marriage, but not many.
Useful comments from other readers, including the essential point of considering the child and her best interests, as she is entirely innocent.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lll | 2010/09/03

Uyindoda eqotho mfe2.

Reply to lll
Posted by: Destroyed | 2010/09/02

One thing I knew for sure was that I would get comfort and encouragement from all of you.As difficult and painfull as it is, you are really making a difference.
There is one aspect I''m not confused about, proceeding with a r/ship with my soon to be ex is out of the question. I still love her but no thanks.As a human being,you set yourself values and certain guidelines that you live by and never compromize.This is one of them,It would be foolish and naive to think I can still have a fulfilling and trusting with her so NO, I will not torture myself. As soon as I have gathered enough stregnth, I will calmly give her the red card, not that it would surprize her coz she knows the kind ofa man that I am. As for the Lobola that I have alreadypaid,I will not ask for it as it involves her family that I respect and admire very much, especially her father. I still love Aphile " my daaughter"  very much still.

Reply to Destroyed
Posted by: Soul | 2010/09/02

Sometimes blood is not thicker than water.

You are the only dad that she knows and she loves you. What you are going through is heart breaking, you all will need time and then decide where to from there.

But honestly love your little girl she is so innocent in all this and she doesn''t understand why her dad isn''t there.
I know this is very hard for you and I wish you all the strength and luck you will need to get through this.
What was done to you and this little girl was a very cruel thing to do to a dad and a daughter.

All the best

Reply to Soul
Posted by: Disappointed | 2010/09/02

I am so sorry this has happened to you and your sweet daughter. She is after all your daughter, you have raised her since she was a baby and she sees only you as her father.

I think if you love her mother you need to talk to each other, discuss your feelings and maybe seek counselling if you can. It is very hard to know you have been betrayed and deceived. But 5 years have past and a little girl is stuck in the middle. Is she crying for her daddy, wondering why he won''t see her?

I was raised by my step-father. My father was killed whilst my mother was pregnant with me. I am sad that I never knew my real father but the only father I know is my step-dad and I love him and have so much respect for him as he raised me as his own, never feeling insecure about his place in my life and never showing jealously for the fact that we were not blood-related. There are bonds in life that go way beyond blood.

Your issue is whether you can trust you girlfriend again, whether you can love her enough to forgive her mistakes. I would still do a paternity test. If she had sex with both you and this other man, your daughter may well still be yours. Unless of course she is absolutely certain.

I hope you can manage to resolve this situation. I imagine your girlfriend is devastated that this has all come out too.

Reply to Disappointed
Posted by: Destroyed | 2010/09/02

The whole thing still feels unreal sometimes, its like I''m dreaming and my heart is just numbe at times. As some points I do think that I must continue being a " father'' to her but I don''t see how that would be possible especially now I KNOW WHO THE REAL FATHER IS..Guys I''m perishing, I''VE GOT SO MUCH HURT, ANGER, CONFUSION all in one little heart. How can a woman be so cruel coz she had known for some time that the baby was not mine.

Reply to Destroyed
Posted by: alley-c | 2010/09/02

personally i don''t feel that a child should suffer, she believes she is your child, and you loved her as though she was yours, quite homestly continue to love the child and be her dad,
deal with oyur girlfriend in a way not to hurt the child it''s not her fault

Reply to alley-c
Posted by: G | 2010/09/02

This also happened to a Xhosa friend of mine (yes I speak more then two languages).

Because he grew to love the little one and thought she was his, he now, after all the years, supports her financially and sees her occasionally.

I suppose it will take time to get over the shock and betrayal, but depending how you still feel about the child of which you are not the dad, you can still have a fatherly relationship with her in the future.

Reply to G
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/09/02

If you believe in and work entirely within the system of traditional beliefs, it's more clear what you should do. Similarly, if you do NOT share such beliefs and hold to more modern and scientific views. When you are caught between two systems of belief, it's much more difficult, as you've found. It seems to me that the elders have been seriously disrespectful of you and of her, by not even consulting you about your wishes or letting you know of the confrontation they planned.
It was wise of you to arrange a scientific paternity test - and golly, apparently their suspicions proved to be correct. The result is potentially deeply upsetting for both of you. I understand that you might want to end your relationship with her, feeling she deceived you. Some men might decide to go ahead with the marriage, but not many.
Useful comments from other readers, including the essential point of considering the child and her best interests, as she is entirely innocent.

Reply to cybershrink

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