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Question
Posted by: dw | 2011-10-11

so many issues

I am so confused. My bf has 1 year old twins, he is totally in love with me but I dont know whether I feel the same way. On my side there is no ex''s, kids, issues, he has it free and easy. However I have a relationship with 5 people - him, his ex, the twins, and his ex mother in law. It is driving me crazy. I dont think one day has gone by without us talking about the ex or the ex mother in law. The ex now has breast cancer and my bf is seriously worried about her. Ok, I know her life is in danger and the twins might be left motherless, but gosh, it is over with them. She constantly sms him that she hates him and wishes he would die....he says he doesnt respond but I dont know if I believe him. Last night I said some really nasty things and the problem is that I actually meant them. Instead of him being proactive, he is reactive. He is waiting for a summons from the ex to give her mother custody of the kids instead of him taking charge. He says he cant do it when she is sick. He is 40 and doesnt own a home, yet chose to spend R140k on invitro as they couldn''t conceive naturally. He seems to have his priorities all wrong and it worries me as I dont want to go backwards in life. At the moment, I am financially sound and feel life with him would be financially and emotionally turbulent. I just want a simple life, being with a guy who is happy and doesnt have this constant worry about his ex and his kids. Would it be the best just to let this relationship go. It is sad though as we were friends for 3 years before becoming a couple, so basically would be losing a friend and a boyfriend.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Having twins is never "having it easy", is it ?
Presumably its good that he remains involved with his children - would you want a man who doesn't care about his own children ? And if his ex is primarily looking after them, but has cancer and may not perhaps be able to look after them in the long term, surely there is a problem he, and her, and his ma-in-law need to keep considering - who will look after the kids if the biomom succumbs to her cancer ?
How can yopu be so hard-hearted as to expect aht "it is over with them" when you are talking about HIS children, and his ex who may be dying ?
You sound so selfish, utterly self-centred and callous. It may be the best thing for the kids and for him, if you did let him go, gently, and looked for someone able to and prepared to focus on nobody but you
OK, he may not be the wisest man around - spending 140 K on in vitro when not married and in a relationship which broke up isn;t wise.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Realist | 2011-10-12

Go go go my girl. This is a toxic situation. Why must you throw your life away and get involved in this mess. No just get going, you are NOT selfish and if someone insists you are, pass them by on your way OUT. You KNOW its not going to get better.. Brrrrr, the thought of it all just gives me the " willies" 

Reply to Realist
Posted by: JR | 2011-10-12

Where you the reason for their break-up? I suspect you might have some form of guild towards yourself and struggling to place it in perspective? You knew what you getting into, the whole package as you already said, you''ve known him for 3 years?! Just goes to show, everything isn''t always as it seems, guys and girls can still put up a show and it''s totally diffrent to be in a relationship.

Reply to JR
Posted by: Obvious | 2011-10-11

LOVE!
Who wants to love a man who has such a mess of a life? No property, at least 18 years of maintenance to pay and you may well have to help bring up the kids if the mother dies whilst entertaining the mother in law as part of the twins life!
You can choose who you fall in love with.
I would not chose 2 love this man - there must be a better man out there some where....................

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Queen | 2011-10-11

Love love and love is the main decider. If you love him stay and accept and if you dont why waste his and your time?
DO YOU STILL LOVE HIM? If Yes make it work and tell him your fears and feelings about the whole situation if NO then run like hell and dont even think of a friendship. You have been friends for 3 years and how long have you been dating?

Reply to Queen
Posted by: Regular | 2011-10-11

lt is difficult to go back to being friends once you have been lovers.
Run a mile from this is a disaster area ,you are not cold hearted but very sensible.This man is an idiot to pay 140000 for 2 kids when he does not own a house to put them in?

Reply to Regular
Posted by: dw | 2011-10-11

I want to go back to being his friend as we get on really well and I have been supporting him through this crisis. HE however doesnt want to stay friends with me if things end. So for all those people who replied including CS, Im not coldhearted, I will still be there for him as a friend, but not romantically.

Reply to dw
Posted by: Obvious | 2011-10-11

Harsh advice fro CS. l do not see you in the same light as CS but as a sensible person!
No body in their right mind would walk into this madness. As for staying friends - not every one keeps in touch with their exes. To do so in this case would only cause problems in a new relationship.
The shrink is sooooo wrong in his advice, you are not commited in marriage and have no responsibility to this guy!
Walk away without guilt - l wish u well.

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Heather | 2011-10-11

You obviously knew all of this before you decided to started dating him, well except for the cancer. So obviously the pressure is getting to you and I think it''s best that you walk away now. You say it''s sad that if you go, you''d not only be losing a boyfriend and a friend, but I think it''s sad that you say that. It means you won''t even be willing to stand by him as the friend you say you are.

Reply to Heather
Posted by: Regular | 2011-10-11

We date 2 see if it is worth making a life long commitment.
Why would any one choose to stay in this situation?

Reply to Regular
Posted by: Romany | 2011-10-11

I think you have already made up your mind to walk away from all these people, you simply need confirmation that you should.
Walk away, carry on with your own life.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-10-11

Having twins is never "having it easy", is it ?
Presumably its good that he remains involved with his children - would you want a man who doesn't care about his own children ? And if his ex is primarily looking after them, but has cancer and may not perhaps be able to look after them in the long term, surely there is a problem he, and her, and his ma-in-law need to keep considering - who will look after the kids if the biomom succumbs to her cancer ?
How can yopu be so hard-hearted as to expect aht "it is over with them" when you are talking about HIS children, and his ex who may be dying ?
You sound so selfish, utterly self-centred and callous. It may be the best thing for the kids and for him, if you did let him go, gently, and looked for someone able to and prepared to focus on nobody but you
OK, he may not be the wisest man around - spending 140 K on in vitro when not married and in a relationship which broke up isn;t wise.

Reply to cybershrink

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