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Question
Posted by: SUSAN | 2012/04/17

SO I GOT MY ANSWER

So I asked again about moving in together and he says he cannot do it. His answer to me is why should he give up his comforts and luxuries and be discomforted so that I can get what I want. I thought that when you loved someone you would do that. I know moving in with someone elses children is not ideal but after been together for so long I thought he could do it. I thought he loved me enough. So I can stay and know this is as much as I will get - have fun and enjoy each others company or move on and find Mr Right who will want the ties and comittment. I feel so lost and hurt. I cannot understand why he would let a good thing go and is not willing to take a chance?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Ok, your asking the question didn't cause the answer - it revealed it. Even if that answer seems hard to accept and cope with, this task is much more manageable than before you knew it.
This sort of situation turns up here so very often ; women accept as temporary ( hoping their own, even secret, dreams will eventually become real ) a situation which their male partners find utterly satisfactory and will never want to change.
Its not that he "would let a good thing go" - he already has a good thing, and may even feel confident of replacing it if needs be, and sees nothing to gain in changing it.

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Our users say:
Posted by: SUSAN | 2012/04/17

Financially I can look after myself and my children - I own my own home have a good job and do not need a man for his financial support. They have a great dad who is there for them 100% and they are not looking for any other father figure.

I guess its just wanting the security of being in a relationship after so long - like a progression or something. His happy with the situation I am not - I have further needs he doesnt

Reply to SUSAN
Posted by: J. | 2012/04/17

You arent really saying, why he feels uncomfortable moving in together. Reading between the lines, it seems that you would be the one that benifited the most from this move?

What would you be asking him to give up? Would you be expecting him to help you financially? Would you be expecting him to help you parent your child (I take it it is not his child)?
Alot of questions, and based on that I cannot really give an answer.

My question remains: what do you bring to the party?

I realise that you must be very hurt that he did not jump at the chance of being with you, but I am trying to make you see past the hurt. Hurt feelings aside, look at it logically, like a man would do. He might very well love you with all his heart, but he might be feeling that he would give up too much to be with you.

This stings alot and give yourself time to be mad. But when the pain subsides and you feel this man is still worth something, look at it from a distance and work on eleviating his fears/concerns.

Best of luck girl,
J.

Reply to J.
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/04/17

lt may be a good thing but he does not love u enough to make a commitment.
Be thankful u now have an answer and can move on and not waste anymore time with someone who does not love u .

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Maria | 2012/04/17

You have no control over someone else''s thoughts and actions, only your own. I can imagine how tough this must be for you. Perhaps you always looked at him through rose tinted glasses and now you are seeing the real man for the first time? We tend to build unrealistic pictures in our heads of how we would like our partner to be and the reality could be very different. Take care.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/04/17

Ok, your asking the question didn't cause the answer - it revealed it. Even if that answer seems hard to accept and cope with, this task is much more manageable than before you knew it.
This sort of situation turns up here so very often ; women accept as temporary ( hoping their own, even secret, dreams will eventually become real ) a situation which their male partners find utterly satisfactory and will never want to change.
Its not that he "would let a good thing go" - he already has a good thing, and may even feel confident of replacing it if needs be, and sees nothing to gain in changing it.

Reply to cybershrink

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