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Question
Posted by: Caro | 2011-07-20

So here it is

I wrote a while ago about my relationship with an ex which I have now ended. I have a good husband who loves me very much and two children. My ex is still inlove with me but that is now besides the point.
My husband has medical problems which has affected our sex life for more than 10 years. We have sex maybe 2 or 3 times a year. These problems are manageable but he refuses to do anything about it. I am healthy and fit and attractive and cant understand how he can think that I have to be satisfied with this for the rest of my life. I have spoken to him about it, tried to be romantic, gone for counseling with him, encouraged him to exercise with me at his pace, he''s been for treatment but it is never long enough before he loses interest. His doctor says that a change of lifestyle (which the children and I follow) will help, but....
I have bought sex toys to make things exciting. When I have begged for long enough he will please me but it breaks down my confidence to have to ask for sex for weeks at a time, make a date with the children away and then it still does not happen. I have no problem initiating and putting in effort.
We are very good friends and I''ve tried to approach this from many angles and dont want to hurt him. I''ve told him that it puts strain on our marriage but while he promises to try, he never does even if I take him by the hand.
I do not want to divorce him but is it fair that I have to go through life like this? Every other aspect of our life is good and I have lots to be grateful for.
I''d prefer NOT to hear from religious preachers and those who tell me to count my blessings (I do). Only the expert and persons with real advice need respond and I thank you in anticipation of constructive comments.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Many medical conditions can affect our ability to want or perform sex in the usual way, but if one is adaptable, one can develop a new style of sexual life despite unahcngeable illnesses. But it's actually selfish for him not to bother to seek medical assistance for an illness which could surely be improved.
Its sad that you seem to have made so many different attempts, in so many ways, to improve the situation, but it sounds as though he is just not bothering to pull his weight. He sounds like a good husband in most other ways, but determinedly ignoring his duties towards you.
Youi are a conscientious person, and he, apparently, is not.
venting is fine, but its not clear what your question is, here. Are you maybe wondering whether others will consider it understandable and even justifiable for you to have and pursue an affair ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: K | 2011-07-21

I doubt her husband has a medical problem......he is probably just disgusted and turned off by having to live with the slut he married

Reply to K
Posted by: Peter | 2011-07-20

Sjoe, Im so glad my wife is not wired like you. Sorry, but I do appreciate what I have now.

Reply to Peter
Posted by: L | 2011-07-20

Caro, I dont need to write an article, when there are people like you who make spectacles of their lives, it provides far more valuable lessons to those of us who live by good morals and values.

Reply to L
Posted by: Wow | 2011-07-20

And this is how the story ends: Caro and Anon meet and have sex for hours.

Caro, you seem very offended when people say you want to sleep around. It doesn''t matter how you chose to put it. You want sex and you want a relationship where you''ll get it, plus you even have a " list"  of people who could be an option. That''s understandable you need sex. What I don''t understand if why you don''t tell your husband bluntly that if he''s not willing to make an effort, you are going to look for sex elsewhere. I find this could be a mean thing to say, but if you need sex that much, better be honest. Maybe it could put some pressure on your husband.

I wouldn''t judge your decision to cheat out of despair as much if you didn''t sound so unpleasant. You want people to say what you want to hear and you show NO respect for other opinions that you don''t agree with. And then you share comments with Anon in a way that is very intimate, I must say. You told him you masturbate and everything? How is that appropriate? Especially now that you two want to be friends and maybe meet in person after? We can all predict it will end up in sex.

I think it''s important for you to know that by the end of the last comment, most of us deslike you. Is that how you live your life? Do you constantly turn people against you by stumping on them like they were nobody?

Reply to Wow
Posted by: Caro | 2011-07-20

Oh Romany, Cream!
Go make cheese cake.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Romany | 2011-07-20

Picking up people on a open forum..........priceless
May your husband find a good loving wife that appreciates him.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Romany | 2011-07-20

The last post under my name was NOT posted by me.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Anon | 2011-07-20

Thanks Caro - its andrea765765 at gmail dot com

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Caro | 2011-07-20

Sorry - the above post was by Caro not Romany (dont know how that happened)

Anon - ok post away! I''ll write you.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Romany | 2011-07-20

I am sorry. What a life! Thanks for the persepective.
Sextoys it is then for me. Heehee.
The judgemental sleeparound part you can put in L''s article. I did say a long-term relationship and not that I was going to do it! How is that sleeping around?
Never mind - dont reply.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Anon | 2011-07-20

If you want to be friends i am willing to put up my email address here. Its not a come on and i promise we can just be friends.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Caro | 2011-07-20

Anon - you realise that others will think this is a come on? I dont as I think that people of the opposite sex can be friends.I do not want to post my email address here. How do you propose we do this?

Reply to Caro
Posted by: W | 2011-07-20

Well said Romany - some woman need to count their blessings but NO they always looking for more... Guess they will never appreciate as their lives are so " perfect"  and they will never be in the less than " perfect''s"  shoes to appreciate either.....

And if you thinks that the wheel does not turn honey think of this post when it does :)

Reply to W
Posted by: Romany | 2011-07-20

Apart from the sex thing, you realy seem to have a nice, comfortable life. The life probably 90% or more people wish for.
I know you have already indicated that you do not want to " count your blessimgs"  and as per some of the replies, it certainly does look lke you are looking for answers motivating or urging you to sleep around.
Either way, it is your decision....
It is however always worthwhile to imagine the opposite.
Imagine coming home from a job you hate, care for screaming kids, cook a meal with the little you have in the fridge, clean and iron bla bla bla. Then your husband, whom you could not locate since the night before, " falls"  into the house, half drunk, smelling of sweat and rum and demands sex from you, turns around, farts, falls asleep.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Anon | 2011-07-20

Caro, i would be lying if i said i would. Not sure what the future holds. I totally agree that nothing takes the place of the real thing, not at all. there may come a time were i cant take it further , wwere i want the real thing. Caro, i would really like to be your friend, to chat to you more often about our " situation" , just freinds.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Caro | 2011-07-20

Psst Queen! - you almost qualify to go and help L with her article. You just about saved yourself with you last comment.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Caro | 2011-07-20

Anon - do you see yourself going through the rest of your virile years like this? I am an academic and also very busy with research, studies etc, and earn a god salary. I meet lots of people, travel an am happy at work but nothing takes the place of that need.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Queen | 2011-07-20

I agree with L,
You''ll have to live with the consequences of whatever decision you make. No advice here will be good enough for you as long as its not agreeing with what you already have in mind.

That have been said, no one can judge you on what you do with your life.

Reply to Queen
Posted by: Anon | 2011-07-20

Once again its only my pleasure. Well i masturbate also. I am a professional earning a really decent salary - i dont believe in going to hoar houses. I guess since i do everything i keep myself occupied at times. But we are humans with needs that have to be satisified. At times it really becomes difficult. This has been going on for like 5 years now and my last time was about 8 months ago.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Caro | 2011-07-20

Thanks, Anon. How do you deal with it? How long has it been for you? I masturbate and use my toys but somehow i still prefer the human being and my husband doesnt want to watch though I''d love him to.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Caro | 2011-07-20

You guys make me laugh. I mean really laugh not sarcastically.
I am not looking for an affair, Charles, I have my candidate if I decide to. It will need to be with someone I really feel something for and then long-term. My ex is willing to do that.
L - didnt you see that you fit into the category of those I have asked not to comment? Sure, it''s a space you''re free to comment but do you have to? Go write an article or something!

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Anon | 2011-07-20

Its my pleasure Caro - i do undersatnd that you are in a really difficult situation. I can offer my friendship and advise, that is if you need it.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Caro | 2011-07-20

Thanks Anon. I love my kids too. It seems you and I are on opposite sides of your 2 cents.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Charles | 2011-07-20

Are you saying that you are willing to have a no strings attached affair?

Reply to Charles
Posted by: L | 2011-07-20

You''re the one who has to live with it. Why ask anyones opinion if you are not interested in hearing the truth?
Ask yourself, if you were the one with the medical conditoin, would you feel that your husband is entitled to look for sex elsewhere?
If yes, then go ahead with what you want to do. In the end, its all about : what we sow, we reap, call it religion, karma, whatever.

Reply to L
Posted by: Caro | 2011-07-20

Hi Cybie
I guess I am looking for justification for an affair but this is also hard on my feelings. I am tempted to go back to my ex who I am trying to ignore and feel terrible because I have hurt him so much again.
It would be easy to have an affair with a divorcee who has liked me for a long time too but I know he would try to convince me to leave my husband as he doesn''t just want a loose affair. I am not promiscuous and for this reason have not pursued opportunites.
Under these circumstances, what else am I to do to make my marriage work?

Reply to Caro
Posted by: Anon | 2011-07-20

Nothing to do with your problens with your husband. You mentioned you love sex i was just curious. Well i am in the exact same situation as yourself. The difference is that i do everything i mean everything. I am not here ot judge you and i am not judging you i also love sex and dont get it from my mu wife. I have never cheated on her and there were times that i could have but i didnt. I love my kids too much to hurt them in anyway. This is just my 2 cents worth.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Caro | 2011-07-20

Well, 20 years ago in our twenties when we were unmarried as often as we could. 20 years on it was a 1 year extra-marital affair with him, so 2 times a week or 3 times a night when we managed to spend the night together.
What has that got to do with my problems with my husband?

Reply to Caro
Posted by: ANON | 2011-07-20

How often (how many times a week) did you have sex with your ex?

Reply to ANON
Posted by: Caro | 2011-07-20

I love sex. I''d have it 3 or 4 times a week if I could (hence I am sorry to say, the affair, which I''ve been advised to end). My girlfriends feel the way you do and that I do not understand.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: W | 2011-07-20

Sex 3 times a year, supports your career, helps with the kids, is not jealous etc etc.... Woman what are you compalining about?????

Reply to W
Posted by: Caro | 2011-07-20

PS - He tells me he sometimes worries about others finding me attractive and will sometimes ask who has come onto me and I will tell him. He doesnt seem to care when I go away for work and other people who are attracted to me go along. He gladly supports me in all I do careerwise and takes care of the children. He is also relatively successful in his career. He is not having an affair - of that I am almost sure.

Reply to Caro
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-07-20

Many medical conditions can affect our ability to want or perform sex in the usual way, but if one is adaptable, one can develop a new style of sexual life despite unahcngeable illnesses. But it's actually selfish for him not to bother to seek medical assistance for an illness which could surely be improved.
Its sad that you seem to have made so many different attempts, in so many ways, to improve the situation, but it sounds as though he is just not bothering to pull his weight. He sounds like a good husband in most other ways, but determinedly ignoring his duties towards you.
Youi are a conscientious person, and he, apparently, is not.
venting is fine, but its not clear what your question is, here. Are you maybe wondering whether others will consider it understandable and even justifiable for you to have and pursue an affair ?

Reply to cybershrink

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