Posted by: Ingrid | 2009-01-29

So hard to pretend...

Hi Doc,

Im nearly 22 and it is getting harder and harder to pretend to everyone that I' m happy.

A psychologist that I went to see when I was 17 told me I had depression. Nothing was done about it and after two session I stopped seeing him (no money). So I saw the school counsellors until I matriculated.

Things seemed to go downhill from there. Although I was teased at school because of my looks, I at least had my friends and my boyfriend.

Last year I lost ALL my friends. When I left the job I was working at two stopped being my friends and I don' t know why. To this day they still bad-mouth me and I don' t understand why. My school friends didn' t last long either- one just stopped talking to me, one always declined my offer to go out and the others just sort of faded away- I would send them messages and they wouldn' t reply, they' d go out together and not invite me... So I ditched them.

Now I got braces, and they were supposed to come of in December and now they' ll only be coming off in March if I' m lucky. I don' t want to go out because I feel like a freak with all the elastics and metal, so I stay at home most weekends. My boyfriend, whom I live with, takes full advantage of this and often goes out by himself but when I get upset about it he goes on about how I make myself look stupid and he doesn' t need me, etc. His family also bad-mouthed me, and it hurts that he doesn' t take a stand and tell them it' s unacceptable. We' ve been going out for 6 years and he has barely defended me when people have said things about me.

I just feel very alone, very unwanted and stupid. I don' t have a single person I can fully depend on and it' s hard to pretend to everyone that I' m ok when I' m not, but I don' t know how to change things.

I can' t afford to live by myself, and I do NOT want to stay with my Mom (whole other story). My older sister only calls me when she wants something (she lives with my Mom), and my younger sister lives in PTA with my Dad. I don' t have any friends to live with... I feel trapped.

Many people, I think, would read this and think if so many people dislike me it must be my fault, but no one understands how hard I tried to be a good friend- and I was. My boyfriends friends like me well enough but I don' t have any friends of my own.

I' m starting to lose my mind and act like a looney. I need to change my situation but how?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hmmm There's no point in recognizing the presence of Depression unless one does something effective about it --- sad that the psychologist wasn't more competent and positive about this. And again, the school counsellors should have been more active, too.
I wonder why your former friends would bad-mouth you. One doesn't bother to bad-nouth someone unless in some way you find them significant or even a threat --- a nobody can be ignored without wasting energy. I understand your sensitivity about the dental braces, but again, usually its the person wearing the braces who feels they look aawful, while most other people either don't notice or don't care.
I don't think that most ( if indeed, any ) people actually dislike you --- I suspect the central issue is that YOU don't like you, and some other people pick up on that vibe, while you are probably unduly sensitive to any thing you can interpret as fitting your assumption that people won't like you.
Counselling, especially of the CBT variety, would really help --- focussing on self-esteem and self-confidence.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cake | 2009-01-29

I also think you should appreciate yourself a little batter, i don' t have a single friend who can manipulate or make me feel that i don' t deserve to be around them, as for the looks not that it matters, if you were that not so good looking, you would not have a have one and you are capable of getting a better one as well..

Stop being the victim, change the way you look at the world and yourself and world will smile at you ++

but if you look at a smile upside down it is a frown...don' t be a like your real self...

Reply to cake
Posted by: Zexeon | 2009-01-29

And when you achieved some ofyour goals you might even reward yourself if its not being rewarding in itself.

Reply to Zexeon
Posted by: Zexeon | 2009-01-29

I don' t think its healthy to get totally dependant on anybody although a good network of friend could be helpful.
maybe your boyfriends friends liked you cause they' ve seen you and experienced you as you are and your boyfriend saw you.
Having braces is temporary and some people would even envy you for having it just think of what the end results are going to be.....
You could change your situation by creating goals of thing you want to accomlish and work out strategies how you could achief it and then just do it and put effort in to keep it in tact... Good luck, I hope you feel better soon.

Reply to Zexeon

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