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Question
Posted by: Worried | 2012/10/28

Snooped for the first time

Hi,

I am a 28 year old man. My partner and I have been dating for 4 months now. I must also say this is my first relationship that I have had since high school (got too busy and caught up with work and part time studies).

Last night my partner and I went to dinner to 2 of his friends (also a couple). When we got home something told me to snoop on my partner''s cellphone''s whatsapp msgs. I didnt want to do it but i coulnd quiet down this irritating feeling I have to look. This was the first time though. So anyway I then did so while he was getting ready for bed.

One of the messages was from one of the friends we were visiting last night. I didnt make too much of it because i told him to let them know that we got home safe. But i accidentally actuall went into that msg not know what I was going to get - i wanted to check the msg below that one.

Anyway, in that message i read something about a kiss that was awesome and immediately my heart started racing and the rest I read in blurs and cant really remember it. I remember seeing words like Horny, you''re so sexy blah blah blah...

I just closed it and my heart was pounding like it was going to climb out of my throat. I was literally shaking while in bed. When my partner got in, he felt this. He asked what''s wrong, so I said nothing and he was like " bullshit" . So i said I am fine and left it there. This morning I wanted to check that msg again and it was gone. So now I cannot even check if I have my facts rights. It is really bothering me. he''s been saying from the start he would NEVER hurt anyone the way he got hurt in his previous relationship where is boyfriend cheated on him. He was hurt bad and does not want anyone to go through that same path.

I dont know if I should tell him I looked on his phone and saw the message or how I should even bring it up... it is really worrying me. Though I must probably just say you know what, leave it there.

I would appreciate your comment.

Thanks,
Worried

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I agree with Maria as to your options. The exact gender of all the participants isn't relevant, but maybe your message left it ambiguous enough for readers to wonder. But its a shame that Leila has issues about this that speak far more about her problems than yours.
Snooping isn't a dreadful sin, but maybe bad manners. Cheating and keeping such a secret is worse behaviour. "Let it go" is only an option if you truly are able to do that, and few of us would be.
Vigilance is an option, but tends to cause tensions in any relationship. Discussing your concerns, voicing them calmly and in such a way as to focus on the significance of the message rather than enabling him to turn it all into a problem about snopping, would give the best chance to clear the air. Maybe the other guy was being flirtatious beyond reasonable, and perhaps not in response to encouragement from your friend

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Worried | 2012/10/29

Hi All,

Thanks for the replies - I really do appreciate all the input except Leila''s input, although everyone has their own beliefs - But this does not concern those.

I have spoken with my boyfriend about this because I would not be able to just let it go. I told him and he didnt deny having the massage. They have been friends for a much longer time than we have known each other though. So he explained to me that was the way they talk to each other and have been since they became friends. The kiss they were talking about was the goodbye kiss and they apparently usually make a " big deal"  out of small things so thats apparently what that was.

He told his friend I found the msgs and now his friend feels just as bad as he does. My bf deletes most messages. I knew that - he doesnt like " clutter"  on his phone -but that I have known since we met because he''s been complaining about my msgs thats so many - my bbms open chats are endless hahahah... but i suppose everyone has their own way of doing something. So i can also see why the msg was deleted. When i though about it again, most msgs from that day was deleted, he only keeps mine open though...

Anyway, we had a nice chat about it and he did accuse me of snooping or not trusting, he said he would feel exactly the same way if he saw that and didnt know the history. So ja...

Thanks for everyone though!!!

Have a super Monday!!

Reply to Worried
Posted by: 40''ish | 2012/10/29

I snoop all the time and in nearly 9 years have never found anything I should not have.

I have been cheated on to many times to LET IT GO. Sorry, this man is guilty. If he was not why delete the message? Why not show it to you and discuss it?

Do some more snooping and go and see if he is where he say''s he is etc.

Rather get hurt now and move on then later.

This is NOT a good sign and how can you read wrong ?

Reply to 40''ish
Posted by: Leila | 2012/10/28

@Cybershrink, there is no denying the fact that homosexuality is a sin. Its not about me having issues about this but its against the laws of God. If I were to follow my own base desires and not be God-fearing then I wouldnt find anything wrong in it.
When people follow their own animal-instincts then anything goes.

Reply to Leila
Posted by: Leila | 2012/10/28

Yes it DOES make a big difference! How can two men sleep together!! What an abnormal situation!! At first I couldnt believe what I was reading hence my asking that question - I thought I mustve read wrong!

Reply to Leila
Posted by: Worried | 2012/10/28

Hi Maria,

Thanks for the 3 options. I will have to go and think hard about it. But I do only see one of them that would get any results - option 3. I will now not be able to " let it go"  and then that will lead to being suspicious again...

I just have to get the courage to actually go through with telling him about it - and then when I do, hope for for the best.

Thanks though.

And Leila, Maria is right, it does not make a difference.

Reply to Worried
Posted by: Maria | 2012/10/28

Leila, he clearly says so but I don''t see what difference that makes to the problem?

Worried, the way I see it you have 3 options.
1) Let it go
2) Be suspicious of your partner and constantly on the lookout for signs that your relationship is not as solid and exclusive as you would like it to be
3) Be honest. Tell your partner that you impulsively looked at his phone, saw this message, and now you are really worried about it. Then see what happens.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Leila | 2012/10/28

Lets make it clear - are you a man and your partner is a man too??

Reply to Leila
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/28

I agree with Maria as to your options. The exact gender of all the participants isn't relevant, but maybe your message left it ambiguous enough for readers to wonder. But its a shame that Leila has issues about this that speak far more about her problems than yours.
Snooping isn't a dreadful sin, but maybe bad manners. Cheating and keeping such a secret is worse behaviour. "Let it go" is only an option if you truly are able to do that, and few of us would be.
Vigilance is an option, but tends to cause tensions in any relationship. Discussing your concerns, voicing them calmly and in such a way as to focus on the significance of the message rather than enabling him to turn it all into a problem about snopping, would give the best chance to clear the air. Maybe the other guy was being flirtatious beyond reasonable, and perhaps not in response to encouragement from your friend

Reply to cybershrink

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