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Question
Posted by: H | 2010/05/13

Smoking Pipe

I was a social smoker but stopped it about 15 years ago. Recently I dragged out my pipe and when I am sitting around the braaifire with a drink in my hand, mostly over weekends, I want to catch a few puffs.

I personally have always hated it when smokers are selfish and smoke in closed areas when you end up with their smoke in your nose and clothes, or even for that matter in the outdoors if the smoke drifts my way and bothers me.

And now I want to have a few puffs when I am relaxing outside.

The woman in my life hates smoking, she said that if I smoked when she met me, she would not have got into a relationship with me. And she still feels I must choose between her and my pipe. When I have a few puffs, I shower and brush my teeth to ensure I am not all over her with my clothes smelling of tabacco smoke.

If you care for someone, how can you make the person choose between you and smoking your pipe socially? If it was dealing with an abusive alcoholic, then I can understand her issue. The point is, if I have to give in on this, then tomorrow it will be something else that I do that she does not like.

I know we all have to sacrifice certain things and make changes when we get into a relationship but I think this is overboard. If you cannot be yourself, why hang around, that is how I currently feel.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like you are at least a socially aware and considerate smoker, which is streets ahead of most other smokers ! But remmber that someone who loves you may both dislike the immediate second-hand smoke effects, even though you apparently try to minimize those ; and out of love for you, may hate the idea of the damage you are doing to your body by continuing to smoke, even if modestly. And presumably, as you were a non-smoker when you two met, she assumed you would remain thus, so may feel aggrieved that this is n ot entirely so.

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7
Our users say:
Posted by: qwerty | 2010/05/14

H:

If it comes down to a choice: Would you choose to keep smoking and lose your girlfriend, or would you choose to never smoke again in order to be with your girl?

The point here isn''t that she''s making you choose between her and a pipe. The point is that this is a " deal-breaker"  for her. You probably have a few of those yourself - everyone does! And she isn''t asking you to change, she''s asking you NOT to. (as the smoking is essentially new behaviour)

If she suddenly started doing something that goes completely against your grain, and that you didn''t feel you could live with - wouldn''t you feel it was reasonable for you to expect her to stop the behaviour..?

If this becomes a pattern in that she seeks to control every aspect of your life, it is obviously a problem. But it''s not unreasonable of her to have a " deal-breaker"  issue such as this.

Just my 2 cents! :)

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: Vrye Denker | 2010/05/14

If she wants you to give up pipe smoking, she clearly doesn''t love you, but rather what she wants to change you into. Tell her that she will need to accept you the way you are, with any perceived " flaws" , or else she can take a hike and find someone else whom she can " change" .

Reply to Vrye Denker
Posted by: H | 2010/05/14

Hallo QWERTY (That types easy!)

I don''t think one has to choose between two things such as this.

I''ll put all the advice in my pipe and smoke it, but I still feel she is totally over sensitive over the matter. Onredelik is die woord.

Reply to H
Posted by: w | 2010/05/13

relationships are about compromise, i think its a little pathetic to make someone choose between a pipe and them, pipe smoking cannot be compared to ciggarette smoking (but i guess it would depend what you put in the pipe!) especially in your case that its only socially when your around a braai anyway.

but then woman always try and change men its part of their nature.

Reply to w
Posted by: qwerty | 2010/05/13

Oh, and another thing - you say how can she make you choose between her and you pipe if she really cares about you?

I would wonder, how could you choose your pipe over your partner if you really care about her..?

Just a thought.....

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: qwerty | 2010/05/13

Personally, I would probably have reacted the same as your girlfriend. I absolutely hate smoke and smoking, and would have never gotten into a relationship with a smoker. There are many other bad habits I''m willing to put up with, but smoking is unfortunately something I feel very strongly about.

Think about it: this is not what she signed up for. When you started dating, you were both non-smokers, and now you''ve changed the rules. Which is not to say she gets an automatic veto in every aspect of your life! But this is something you knew about her upfront, and not something she is suddenly springing on you now.

I hope you''re able to reach a compromise! Good luck.

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/05/13

Sounds like you are at least a socially aware and considerate smoker, which is streets ahead of most other smokers ! But remmber that someone who loves you may both dislike the immediate second-hand smoke effects, even though you apparently try to minimize those ; and out of love for you, may hate the idea of the damage you are doing to your body by continuing to smoke, even if modestly. And presumably, as you were a non-smoker when you two met, she assumed you would remain thus, so may feel aggrieved that this is n ot entirely so.

Reply to cybershrink

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