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Question
Posted by: anon | 2011/04/18

Smoking killed the trust

Hi doc,

im feeling terrible about doubting my partners faithfulness to me. we have a long history toogether and have always had a very strong relationship, despite a few hurdles on the way. We''re like each others best friends. I have never even second guessed him before.

He quite smoking a few months ago and two weeks ago i smelt smoke in his breath,he told me he never smoked and i wanted to believe him, i let it go and later that evening i caught a wiff of his fingers and being an ex smoker myself knew without a doubt that he had lied to me. I was fumming and kept quiet until he asked what was wrong to which i told him i was upset becuase he has now broken the trust and i dont know how to start forgiving him, even though i really want to.

I know some people will say im being stupid, but when you share the level of trust we do its soul destroying that he would lie to me so easily even when he had no reason to. i openly gave him the chance to say the truth and he chose to lie instead.

2 years ago he supposedly wasnt smoking and his brothers wife told me he was smoking everytime we visited them, that was an embarasing betrayel and i told him he then he does not need to hide smoking from me. it doesnt bother me what personal choices he makes and its not worth breaking the trust over, he''s not a child. i forgave and forgot and now he did it again. This time he says he just had 1 menthol cause he thought it would open his sinus (uhm, ya ok, however you think that may work). and the whole i know i was wrong, im so sorry, i messed up, story. I cant buy it that easily this time.

Cutting to the point, he has unpredictable hours as part of his job. today a colleugue told me she saw him 4 times in two weeks coming late to fetch me from our home side, the opposite direction to his work,( he works on the opposite end of durban to me and our home) all 4 times from the same direction at the same time. He has mentioned a few times having appointments in this area but i cant recall dates. even if he did have 4 appointments in this area what are the odds they would all bring him to the same intersection at the same time.

I keep trying to come up with " alibi''s"  for him, but what if he was or worse still is up to no good, then i need to know.

I know its bad to doubt your partner, trust is the foundation to a relationship, so i dont want to doubt him. i dont want to ask him because if he is cheating he will cover his tracks and if he''s not im going to feel like crap for accusing him and still i wont know if he''s being truthful after the cigarette story.

I hate doubting the man i love and want to trust with all my being. How do i approach this situation to best resolve it. . . . I cant imagine going to couples counseling and saying, " we have a great relationship, he is so supportive but he lied to me about smoking a cigarette twice and someone saw him driving in an area that does not correspond easily to where he should have been even though there may be a reason for that i dont know if i can trust him." 

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sadly, it's not unusual for addicts, including smokers, to lie, to themselves and to others, if thyey occasionally lapse back into their bad habit. Most people might consider this an unfortunate event, but not really the sort of major betrayal you seem to be experiencing.
But presumably this is coloured by the other suspicions, which may not actually represent anything especally sinister on his part, of maybe they do.
You have various options. YOu could indeed "accuse" him with the risks you outline. YOu could discuss it with him min a less confrontational way, remarking that a friend has commented about being puzzled about why so often he's seen coming to fetch you from an odd direction, and you weren't sure what to say to her.
You could profitably mention that you are finding trust issues bothersome, as may he, and propose you see a marriage counsellor together.
Sometimes what is currently wrong in a relationship isn't the cigarette or the traffic pattern, but the way that you have come to feel difficulty in trusting him. And that deserves attention, for both of your sakes, whether there turns out to be excellent reasons for not feeling trust, or not

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/04/18

Sadly, it's not unusual for addicts, including smokers, to lie, to themselves and to others, if thyey occasionally lapse back into their bad habit. Most people might consider this an unfortunate event, but not really the sort of major betrayal you seem to be experiencing.
But presumably this is coloured by the other suspicions, which may not actually represent anything especally sinister on his part, of maybe they do.
You have various options. YOu could indeed "accuse" him with the risks you outline. YOu could discuss it with him min a less confrontational way, remarking that a friend has commented about being puzzled about why so often he's seen coming to fetch you from an odd direction, and you weren't sure what to say to her.
You could profitably mention that you are finding trust issues bothersome, as may he, and propose you see a marriage counsellor together.
Sometimes what is currently wrong in a relationship isn't the cigarette or the traffic pattern, but the way that you have come to feel difficulty in trusting him. And that deserves attention, for both of your sakes, whether there turns out to be excellent reasons for not feeling trust, or not

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