advertisement
Question
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2011/10/18

Sister talk

CS,
I haven''t spoken much about my sister here before because it is a difficult topic, she is not a very forgiving person and I believe if it is up to her I will not get my children back. Recently at my grandmothers funeral she told a old family friend that she was raising my children as I was incapable of doing so, he did not need to know this, it was completely uncalled for. Over the years I haven''t made her life easy I suppose because she has helped me out often but I have done the same where and when I could.
My life has never been dull, my stepmother asked me just recently how do I manage to get up each time I am pushed down so hard and why do I and I don''t have an answer for her, I just do, maybe I am just too stubborn.
It is getting easier to get up and I do it a lot quicker, I don''t let things get me down if I can help it, but I get confused easily and people take advantage, even my sister. She decides when I can see my kids and often withholds them from me because of exams and things like that. I am not always sure she means well but I do know my kids are safe with her. I love my children with my life that is why I let the social workers put them into foster care with my sister. I haven''t abandoned them, but is anyone telling them that, is anyone helping them work through this or what are they being told, I pay for everything still and will move mountains if I have to to ensure they are okay and safe.

Family isn''t always trustworthy, that is a hard lesson I learnt many years ago, men are not what they pretend to be and friends, female and male are not what they say they are. I try to be on my own but it never works. I am very tired of people and the games they play that I am not even sure of my sister anymore. I know the bible said''s trust in God and love humans, and maybe if one can get this right then yeah life could be better.

My sister is not happily married and is giving my son the wrong impression of marriage, he thinks that a married couple don''t sleep together, the husband sleeps in the lounge and the women in the room, so something must be wrong there. I don''t know how to approach my sister about this, but I will have to, it ain''t healthy.

CS, how do you fix a relationship that never really existed to begin with, she blamed me wholeheartedly for my mothers death (if you can recall, stepdad suicide - gassed them both). She still won''t talk about it.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

smile. A difficult topic ? Dear BT, have you any other sort ? Some people have an awful need to be in the right, even when they're in the wrong. And I suppose she can't feel in the right unless someone new is persuaded to say so.
Your subbornness can indeed be a great strength, so long as you choose the right things to be stubborn about.
As you say, at least it seems the kids are safe with her, even if she doesn't really need to be quite so controlling. I think sometimes it becomes a version of the "boy who cried wolf" story - once on has let someone down more than once in a serious situation, they decide, consciously or unwittingly, fairly or unfairly, that its safer not to trust you. And it can take a really long series of good experiences of being trustworthy, before she dares to shift that opinion.
It's people who aren't always trustworthy, not especially family or men. But then, fortunately, they're not always untrustowrthy, either, The trick is to be able to distinguish between them and to tell the difference. My old mom used to say "The more I see of people, the more I love my dog. Even if I don't have a dog."
Nobody can "fix" a relationship that never existed - that's like that nonsense people talked about the need for "reconciliation" among the people of SA. How do you re-concile those who have never been conciled in the first place ? What was needed on that broader scale, as perhaps between you and your sister, is CONCILIATION, not reconciliation, not fixing the non-existent relationship, but looking to take small steps towards building one that can be more positive.
That she blames you, so unrealistically, for what your stepfather did, is sad, and a topic worth steering clear of for quite a while. Maybe at some level she feels guilty, for maybe not doing enough to help them, and prefers to convince herself it was your fault, to avoid blaming herself.


The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

1
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/18

smile. A difficult topic ? Dear BT, have you any other sort ? Some people have an awful need to be in the right, even when they're in the wrong. And I suppose she can't feel in the right unless someone new is persuaded to say so.
Your subbornness can indeed be a great strength, so long as you choose the right things to be stubborn about.
As you say, at least it seems the kids are safe with her, even if she doesn't really need to be quite so controlling. I think sometimes it becomes a version of the "boy who cried wolf" story - once on has let someone down more than once in a serious situation, they decide, consciously or unwittingly, fairly or unfairly, that its safer not to trust you. And it can take a really long series of good experiences of being trustworthy, before she dares to shift that opinion.
It's people who aren't always trustworthy, not especially family or men. But then, fortunately, they're not always untrustowrthy, either, The trick is to be able to distinguish between them and to tell the difference. My old mom used to say "The more I see of people, the more I love my dog. Even if I don't have a dog."
Nobody can "fix" a relationship that never existed - that's like that nonsense people talked about the need for "reconciliation" among the people of SA. How do you re-concile those who have never been conciled in the first place ? What was needed on that broader scale, as perhaps between you and your sister, is CONCILIATION, not reconciliation, not fixing the non-existent relationship, but looking to take small steps towards building one that can be more positive.
That she blames you, so unrealistically, for what your stepfather did, is sad, and a topic worth steering clear of for quite a while. Maybe at some level she feels guilty, for maybe not doing enough to help them, and prefers to convince herself it was your fault, to avoid blaming herself.


Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement