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Question
Posted by: Belinda | 2011/02/09

Sister getting married- bit jealous &  resentful

Hello... my sister is getting married to her boyfriend of like 9 months at the end of the year and I’ m resenting her because she’ s getting the wedding I’ m waiting for. She’ s older than me, but I have been with my boyfriend for a few years now but am nowhere near getting married (it’ s not out of lack of trying- my boyfriend doesn’ t want me to be part of his family and he doesn’ t want to be part of mine. Major issues that go back for years now). I am now jealous because I desperately want to get married and I’ m not getting it no matter how much I try talk to my boyfriend. How do I stop resenting my sister and start being happy for her?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wish women were not conditioned to expect so very, very much of "the wedding" and so little of the mariage. 9 months isn't long to get to know someone, so one hopes she's not being too hasty in rushing into marriage. Or maybe she too is eager to get "the wedding".
I wonder what exactly it is you want about getting married ( I"m not knocking it, just wondering what aspect you are hoping for, as without clarity of aim, you may not find it ).
If you really want someone who will be happy to be married to you, it really sounds as though you've picked the wrong guy for that. Why on earth would you stay with someone who doesn't want to marry you, doesn't want you to become part of his family, or he part of yours ?
Better no marriage at all till you have found someone who wants marriage of the sort you do, and for similar reasons, so it can be a fulfilling and happy marriage, rather than any marriage just to be married.

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: WTF | 2011/02/09

There is no such thing as a slight race issue. Its either an issue or not!
Its like being half pregnant-not possible.

Reply to WTF
Posted by: Belinda | 2011/02/09

Hi,

Thanks for the replies. I want to be married because I would love to take our long relationship to the next stage and start a family (which, strangely enough, he wants) but I am not prepared to have kids with him until I get his full commitment. I don’ t understand what the big deal is- I mean we even share a bank account! I would love to share my life with him and start a family with and call him my husband... and yes I would like the fancy wedding! The reason why he doesn’ t want us to be involved in each others family is because there is a slight race issue (to him, not to anyone in my family) but also because my family at one stage did not like him AT ALL (this has changed now) and his family currently does not like me at all (in fact his mom went so far as to spread rumours about me at our place of work after I left) so he doesn’ t want to make me suffer through family stuff with him (like I even care- I haven’ t spoken to his mom in two years anyway). I know my sister jumps into things and it turns out she’ s always made the wrong choice (this would be about the third time she’ s jumped into something) and I suppose I feel that the sacredness of marriage would be wasted on her. Gosh I am so nasty.

Reply to Belinda
Posted by: Lolo | 2011/02/09

Ditch the man you dating cause you know marr is not what he wants. Not with you anyway.

If doesn''t want you to be part of his family WHAT DOES THAT SAY? 2 U....................

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: Casey | 2011/02/09

Whether you like it or not, your boyfriend is part of your family and you are part of his family. Why does your boyfriend not want to be part of your family and vice versa? You have to be patient and be happy for your sister that she found the right guy for her to marry.

Reply to Casey
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/09

I wish women were not conditioned to expect so very, very much of "the wedding" and so little of the mariage. 9 months isn't long to get to know someone, so one hopes she's not being too hasty in rushing into marriage. Or maybe she too is eager to get "the wedding".
I wonder what exactly it is you want about getting married ( I"m not knocking it, just wondering what aspect you are hoping for, as without clarity of aim, you may not find it ).
If you really want someone who will be happy to be married to you, it really sounds as though you've picked the wrong guy for that. Why on earth would you stay with someone who doesn't want to marry you, doesn't want you to become part of his family, or he part of yours ?
Better no marriage at all till you have found someone who wants marriage of the sort you do, and for similar reasons, so it can be a fulfilling and happy marriage, rather than any marriage just to be married.

Reply to cybershrink

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