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Question
Posted by: Nan | 2012-06-29

Sister being abused

My sister''s fiance is abusing her emotionally &  physically. If theres an argument, he either degrades her by telling her she cant have kids (i.e. barren) or slaps he or accuses her of cheating and calls her b*tchr. I''ve been telling her over and over that this man is eventually going to kill her in a fit of rage or she''s going to end up believing all the verbal filth (if she doesnt already) he throws at her when he''s angry. Im at my wits end because I love my sister and believe this man will never make her happy. She cant see this or refuses to it and it frustrates me so much. How can I help her get away from this situation

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You are, sadly, probably right about the likely consequences of her choosing to remain with this dreadful person. ( Notice how I usually insist on speaking of CHOICES, because most people prefer to pretend that the choices they make are somehow inevitable and not their own personal responsibility. Of course he will never ever make her happy - he hasn't the remotest interest in her being happy, only in her doing whatever he wishes to increase his happiness.
You can't help her unless she agrees to be helped and recognizes that she needs help. Remind her that the occasional sweet times when he acts lovingly are all false, and only designed to manipulate her into staying around as his willing punch-bag.
Though one wants to do much more, its important to recognize the limitations on your own powers ;
as Purple says, all you can do is to give you advice and make it clear you will try to be available to help her when she does abandon the sick fantasy that this guy even knows what love is, and when she is ready to move.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Purple | 2012-06-29

You can''t help her get away if she refuses to do so.

What you can do is let her know that when she finally comes to her senses, that you will help her to pick up the pieces, so that she knows she can call on you.

Lets hope she doesn''t actually marry him.

Unfortunately they start so subtly with eroding women''s self esteem that by the time friends and relatives notice the blatant abuse, the woman''s long past the point where she sees how ridiculous the things being said and done are - and just accepts them as normal. And of course, he''s always so sorry and won''t do it again and spoils her wonderfully after each major incident where he realises he has gone too far ... until next time when he goes further.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-06-29

You are, sadly, probably right about the likely consequences of her choosing to remain with this dreadful person. ( Notice how I usually insist on speaking of CHOICES, because most people prefer to pretend that the choices they make are somehow inevitable and not their own personal responsibility. Of course he will never ever make her happy - he hasn't the remotest interest in her being happy, only in her doing whatever he wishes to increase his happiness.
You can't help her unless she agrees to be helped and recognizes that she needs help. Remind her that the occasional sweet times when he acts lovingly are all false, and only designed to manipulate her into staying around as his willing punch-bag.
Though one wants to do much more, its important to recognize the limitations on your own powers ;
as Purple says, all you can do is to give you advice and make it clear you will try to be available to help her when she does abandon the sick fantasy that this guy even knows what love is, and when she is ready to move.

Reply to cybershrink

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