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Question
Posted by: Tanya | 2012/06/03

Shouldn''t hubby support me in this .......

I''m married for 8 yrs nw. My hubbys sister who had been living with us stole all our possessions from our safe to the value of R60 000.
Hubby still feels its normal to have a healthy relation with her .

Note she has stolen other expensive items previously from us too.
I just feel even if he kept quiet about previous theft , he could at least support me this time.

Am I expecting too much from him to break all contact with her ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Can't help wondering how this outrageous thief knew the combination of your safe - that's not something one would share with even highly trusted family members. He needs to explain why he feels it is his duty to encourage her to continue her career as a thief, as this is not good for her as well as you. And why is she stealing stuff ? To support a drug, booze or gambling habit ? His responses are deeply unhealthy
I'd expect him not only to stop social contacts with her, but to report her to the police and lay criminal charges.
I agree with Liza, Tough Love is what's needed.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2012/06/03

Your husband should definitely be supporting you, but perhaps not exactly the way you want him to. This should be reported to the police. Not reporting her to the police is like giving her permission to continue stealing. Why shouldn''t she steal? There aren''t any consequences... His ''healthy'' relationship with her is in actual fact VERY unhealthy!

In the end it will be in his sister''s best interests to make her face the consequences so that she doesn''t start to steal even more in future(or worse!) and perhaps get into even deeper trouble. She''s like a drug addict (hey, if she''s stealing that much she probably is!). Tough love is the only thing that works.

Unfortunately tough love isn''t about breaking all contact. For tough love to work, the person does need a level of support. Not financial support, but emotional support. Someone to help her access legal aid (NOT pay her legal fees or bail!) Someone to find her a halfway house to stay in when she gets out of jail (NOT give her a place to stay or money for rent - after her actions your house should be totally out of bounds!)

This is the best way to really help her. If he can''t do that, then the only other option is to break off all contact. It won''t do her much good, but it would save your marriage. Marriage counseling would be a good idea to help your husband see that things cannot continue the way they have. He needs to step back and try and be a little more objective. Sometimes we''re the blindest when looking at family. The closer the family, the blinder we become...

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/06/03

Can't help wondering how this outrageous thief knew the combination of your safe - that's not something one would share with even highly trusted family members. He needs to explain why he feels it is his duty to encourage her to continue her career as a thief, as this is not good for her as well as you. And why is she stealing stuff ? To support a drug, booze or gambling habit ? His responses are deeply unhealthy
I'd expect him not only to stop social contacts with her, but to report her to the police and lay criminal charges.
I agree with Liza, Tough Love is what's needed.

Reply to cybershrink

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