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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010-09-13

Should we be concerned

My daughter of 4 and I have basically been alone since her dad and I broke up when she was 18mnths. Jealousy and constant arguing was the main reasons why we broke up. This year we got back together and we both discussed the past and said that we will make it work this time because we now both know what we want. Things didnt go as planned, he started becoming withdrawn again and he never spent time with us, only once a week or one day every second week. When I questioned this he told me that he is working overtime to enable him to buy a house next year. I told him that I understood this but he still needed to spend time with us, which he equatest to me nagging. I left it at that. Whenever I called him and asked him if we could go out somewhere he was always busy. At one stage we had an argument and the things he said made me cry, and my daughter witness this and even asked why her daddy was making me cry. On Saturday she tells me that we should get a big house because she wants to have her own room, and I told her that I am working hard towards that and hopefully next year i will be able to buy us a big house, and she tells me ever so innocently " No Mum, not just you, you must find a daddy for me and then you and the daddy can sleep in one room and I will sleep in mine" , And then she says not my daddy (and she mentions his name) but a new daddy. I was a bit shocked by this because she is only 4 years old. I know that kids at this age are very intuitive but isnt this a bit too much. I have since called the relationship quits with her father because its clear that he doesnt have time for me and her both and I cannot live with the hope that one day he is going to realise that I am around. He called me on the weekend and I had forgotten my cellphone in the office and now when I called him back out of courtesy he is not taking my calls. I am tired of this up and and down and dont mind having him out of me and my daughters'' life for good. Should I be concerned about what she said and should I mention this too him when i do talk to him, or should i just leave it at that.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If yo guys had good reasons for breaking up in the first place, it is unlikely that simply re-assembling will let things work well - at the very least, wouldn't it have been ( and still be ) wise to work with a couples counsellor to improve mutual problem-solving skills and sort out the current problems ? These things don't often just solve themselves. And to hope it'll sort itself out on a very part-time basis with only occasional visits, is surely highly unrealistic ?

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Kay | 2010-09-13

Don''t be surprised at all by your daughter''s reaction. When my daughter was 3.5, we had some friends stay with us as they brought their 2 yr old for treatment for leukemia. The lady gave birth and a month later the 2 yr old passed away. My little one asked her if she could feel happy with the new baby after her other baby had died. The woman was so shocked that she came and told me this and said she didn''t know how to answer her.

Reply to Kay
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-09-13

If yo guys had good reasons for breaking up in the first place, it is unlikely that simply re-assembling will let things work well - at the very least, wouldn't it have been ( and still be ) wise to work with a couples counsellor to improve mutual problem-solving skills and sort out the current problems ? These things don't often just solve themselves. And to hope it'll sort itself out on a very part-time basis with only occasional visits, is surely highly unrealistic ?

Reply to cybershrink

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