advertisement
Question
Posted by: DS | 2010/07/25

Should mistakes be allowed.

Brief History, me and Hubby have been together 3 years. He had a drug and drink problem, I come from a mom who drank and a father who drugged. We have a daughter of a year.

He went to rehab and has been sober for 5 months. Things have been AWESOME between us. Yesterday we were having an off day and I stayed at home, while he supposedly went to his mom. Anyway, he didnt come home. I checked the bank acc and money is gone, checked phone records and he was in contact with the sunshine buddies last night. Im so angry hurt confused I could spit. I grew up with daddy issues, I dont want my daughter to grow up with the same issues. I can support my child by myself. I dont need him. But this morning she woke up asking for her daddy????

Should he be allowed to mess up, periodically. Should I lower my expectations. I love him with every bit of my being and when sh1t like this goes on it feels like someone stuck a knife in my heart. When he is here and we are together things are good doc. But yet I cant trust him to spend a day away.

Too be honest I caught him hiding that he had seen a friend last week, and have tried my utmost to convince myself that it wasnt the beginning of the end again. Obviously my gut feeling was right.

Should people be allowed mistakes.

I just want whats best for my baby girl and Im not sure keeping her father from her is best for her. I want her to grow up a well balanced lady, no daddy issues, no promiscuity etc.

HOW????? ARGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! I want to punch him in teh face! Im so angry at him.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi DS,
Eish. Making new mistakes can be justifiable, if they mean one is sincerely trying to develop and if one learns from them. Simply repeating the old mistakes is of no value whatever.
And as in the situation you describe, a "mistake" of such proportions - abandoning spouse and child, and walking off with the money just to marinade yourself in some dumb drugs, no, that's hardly to be allowed.
But of course he sneakily managed all that on his own - you had no change to allow or disallow it.
If he EVER sees or contacts DRUG friends ( who are no friends at all, merely hunting partners ) that's usually a sign of where he's headed.
If he returns, and he may well do so, the real issue is what to do then. Forgive and forget would be a really foolish response, frankly.
Let him propose how he plans to make it nearly impossible for him to do this again. For instance, all money should be in an account he cannot ever use on his own, without your counter-signature.
And ask him to suggest how he is going to explain this to his daughter.
You say you don't want to keep her from her dad - from WHICH dad ? From the loving and good guy he can be ? Probably not ( though if the absences are frequent enough, getting to know that guy if he's going to hide himself away again in a chemical cloud, is not benefiial to her - it could increase her sense of loss. or keep her from the drugged out and selfish guy ? Well, there definitely no benefit to her to contact him when he's in that state.
If you want to go it alone from here on, kids are not automatically damaged by lacking one parent - rather one conststently loving caregiver than a part-time dad, part-time deadbeat.
If you want to consider allowing him back, think very caefully, ask the sort of questions I've sigested, and discuss this with a counsellor with real experience with druggies - and a plan must include his continuing involvement in an anti-drug program.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

1
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/07/25

Hi DS,
Eish. Making new mistakes can be justifiable, if they mean one is sincerely trying to develop and if one learns from them. Simply repeating the old mistakes is of no value whatever.
And as in the situation you describe, a "mistake" of such proportions - abandoning spouse and child, and walking off with the money just to marinade yourself in some dumb drugs, no, that's hardly to be allowed.
But of course he sneakily managed all that on his own - you had no change to allow or disallow it.
If he EVER sees or contacts DRUG friends ( who are no friends at all, merely hunting partners ) that's usually a sign of where he's headed.
If he returns, and he may well do so, the real issue is what to do then. Forgive and forget would be a really foolish response, frankly.
Let him propose how he plans to make it nearly impossible for him to do this again. For instance, all money should be in an account he cannot ever use on his own, without your counter-signature.
And ask him to suggest how he is going to explain this to his daughter.
You say you don't want to keep her from her dad - from WHICH dad ? From the loving and good guy he can be ? Probably not ( though if the absences are frequent enough, getting to know that guy if he's going to hide himself away again in a chemical cloud, is not benefiial to her - it could increase her sense of loss. or keep her from the drugged out and selfish guy ? Well, there definitely no benefit to her to contact him when he's in that state.
If you want to go it alone from here on, kids are not automatically damaged by lacking one parent - rather one conststently loving caregiver than a part-time dad, part-time deadbeat.
If you want to consider allowing him back, think very caefully, ask the sort of questions I've sigested, and discuss this with a counsellor with real experience with druggies - and a plan must include his continuing involvement in an anti-drug program.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement