advertisement
Question
Posted by: Pinky | 2011/07/21

Should I tell ex about affair

I became friends with the ex wife of a man whom I really cared about. They have been divorced for almost 10 years. I always defended her actions while I was with him as I knew that he cheated on her during their marriage. The problem is that he cheated with me and I don''t know how many other. We got together again after we were both divorced many years later. I realised then that he did not change at all and quit the relationship. Problem is, I feel that I owe his ex wife an apology. Should I tell her about the affair that I had with him many years ago? I want to assist her with so many things that she is struggling with and believe that she is a good woman who deserved better.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry for the delay in responding, but my instructions were ignored. This forum was supposed to be CLOSED to all messages throughout Thursday 21st and right through Monday 25th and only to re-open on Tuesday 26th. As my instructions were ignored I am horrified to discover a very large number of questions that should not have been possible to post, which have of course been unanswered while I was away. This makes me very angry and disappointed. I will try to respond as best I can, though very long message cannot possibly achieve full attention.

I get the impression that "apologising" to her at this stage would be actually to help you feel better, as our affair with her husband was cheating on her, and it could have been hypocritical of you to remain friendly to her without revealing your part in his afairs right then.
Telling her about it now -how would that help her ? 10 years or more later ? YOu say you feel she deserves better now - did she not deserve better back then ? Maybe you should get a counsellor for yourself, to work out your own issues of conscience and other concerns, and in that process decide how best you could be helpful to her.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

5
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/26

Sorry for the delay in responding, but my instructions were ignored. This forum was supposed to be CLOSED to all messages throughout Thursday 21st and right through Monday 25th and only to re-open on Tuesday 26th. As my instructions were ignored I am horrified to discover a very large number of questions that should not have been possible to post, which have of course been unanswered while I was away. This makes me very angry and disappointed. I will try to respond as best I can, though very long message cannot possibly achieve full attention.

I get the impression that "apologising" to her at this stage would be actually to help you feel better, as our affair with her husband was cheating on her, and it could have been hypocritical of you to remain friendly to her without revealing your part in his afairs right then.
Telling her about it now -how would that help her ? 10 years or more later ? YOu say you feel she deserves better now - did she not deserve better back then ? Maybe you should get a counsellor for yourself, to work out your own issues of conscience and other concerns, and in that process decide how best you could be helpful to her.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Pinky | 2011/07/21

I am seeing both sides of your replies, but not yet convinced of either action. I have no intention of hurting her in any way. He and I both did her an injustice and I know that he will somehow mention it to her to get back at both of us, maybe because we both left him? She just recently learnt about his umpteenth illegitimate child. I really want to reach out to this woman as she also recently had a traumatic experience and I am in a position to assist her.

Reply to Pinky
Posted by: Sandy | 2011/07/21

I agree with Anon. It''s just to make you, not her, feel better. I think it would be cruel, considering that she''s the ex so she can''t even be angry or act angrily towards the ex-husband. And you, with your conscience clear, and her ex-husband elsewhere, will happily move on with your lives with a lighter load while she picks up the pieces. Not fair.

Reply to Sandy
Posted by: Anon | 2011/07/21

Why bring up old hurts - leave sleeping dogs. You will only be openinng old wounds and causing unnessary hurt just to make yourself feel better. Not worth it.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: L | 2011/07/21

If you think she might find out from someone else, perhaps you should tell her. She might forgive you becuase she moved on or she would be furious that you built a friendship with her under false pretences. Either way, it is a risk, perhaps being upfront and honest would clear the path forward for a stronger friendship. I personally believe that these things have a way of coming out anyway, even after many years.

Reply to L

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement