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Question
Posted by: Confused and Heartbroken | 2011/07/26

Should I stay?

Im in a situation and I really dont know how to get out of it. I have two kids with A and he loves his kids to bits. He would do anything for them, however he is not working. Before my son was born he was studying full time and I was working, then we eloped. Things went sour because I got so depressed after doing that, it hurt me that he was never home, he still had his life with his family and school and I was stuck being a house mum, I hated that. Anyways I would entertain myself by chatting to an old school friend, he really liked me and I liked the attention, besides that I also chatted to a friend of A alot, I never saw anything wrong with it. A found out about it and he didnt like it, I told him it wasnt a big deal but he was hurt, he called it emotional cheating as I was depressed and wouldnt talk to him about what was bothering me, but I spoke to those other guys. Well he drifted apart from me and he started cheated, it got really ugly (on my side) I would swaer at him and her, I would hit him, cut his tshirts, etc, it just pushed him closer to her, I was so angry because I was pregnant and he was busy cheating, he kept lying about it, I asked hi over and over again to choose he said he chooses me. I left him last year August, I stayed alone untill end of March this year, while we were fighting this esculated to the point where she was his official woman, he even went as far as telling me that he loves his kids and he would like to live closer to them and he wants to move to my home town to be with them, the thing that hurt me was that he told me that he was moving with her!! When that happened I made a decision to move on with my life. It just so happen that the friend of his that I used to talk to came to my home town for business, I made it clear to him that I wasnt interested in sex, I would show him around My hometown and we would keep it strictly friendly. well one thing led to another and we ended up having sex, and we enjoyed it so much we ended up hooking up in his hometown for a second " sex date"  eventually I realised that I was wrong to do this and we ended things, thn I dated the collegue that I was talking to. A week ago A came to visit his kids for a week. at first he seemed to be okay with the fact that I had moved on. One night boyfriend (the old school mate) came to pick me up at the house, I left my ex in my house and went to be with my boyfriend, he was really angry at me for having A in my house, we argued and while we were arguing my A''s girlfriend phoned me saying that she needs to speak to him, that really enraged me as I do not like her, since she was dating A while I was still with him and she saw nothing wrong with it, even going as far as saying that I should accept responsibiltiy for it and stop hating her for what I did. when I got to my house (after having broken up with my boyfriend because of him) I told A off because of his girlfriends action (it wasnt the first time she called me). anyways he told her it was wrong and he agreed that I have a right to be angry. We started getting along really well, he would welcome me home after work with a glass of wine and a cooked meal, and my kids were enjoying having their father around. He told me he was hurt by the whole situation, he cried telling me hoe it hurts him to not wake up everyday near his kids. We started having sex the last few nights he was there. One the last night that he was there he said He has alot of questions for me, and he needs me to be honest. He told me he loves me and he would never marry his girlfriend, if he was ever to get married or have another kid, it would have to be with me. He said he would eventually leave her and be alone. He asked questions which led to me confessing that I had dated the guy whom I was chatting with when we were together and I had slept with his friend. He was really upset about it. Eventually he said that the only way i could make up for what I did was having a threesum with him and his girlfriend. I refused and he told me he could never forgive me. The next day he left, he cried in the car as he was saying goodbye telling me that it hurts him that I slept with his friend. Anyways we talked everyday since he left, and He told me he loves me and he wants me back but I should share him with her, at first I refused and thn I let it go. Last night we had a huge fight over the phone about her because she claims that I call her everyday swearing her, he said if it continued he would leave both of us and be alone, I was really upset. I gave him an ultimatum to choose between the two of us and he said I should choose for myself as he will not be responsible for hurting anybody, or affecting their happiness. He said when we talk we should focus on us and not her. we spoke for almost four hours going roung and round in circles, he wont come and be direct about it, but basically Its either I accept her in his life or I choose to be without him. Last night he asked me what was my decision, I agreed to try it. Today he hasnt even bothered to call me in the morning like he usually does. I love my kids with all my heart and soul and it would be great to have their father back into their lives, but I can''t share him with her!! Its really hurting me that he would even put me thru all this. One one hand I know I messed up and hurt him, for all the things I did in the past, but at the same time, Im wondering if Im willing to be punished for it for the rest of my life. I love my kids and wish I could marry their father and keep numb about the fact that he has that woman in his life, but truth is I can''t, I hate her, I know I pushed him into her arms but what was her excuse for dating somebody else''s man knowing that he has a pregnant woman at home. Im doing my best to deal but I really cannot. Im losing my mind here.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OMG what a long story ! Folks, it really is important for you to edit down your postings, to make them clear and concise - and that exercise itself if valuable in helping you to figure out what are the essential aspects of your troubles, and what are details that are less important.
When you choose to have kids with someone who is not working and isn't prepared to marry you or similarly make a long-term and sincere committment to you, problems most often do arise. Its not clear from your message whether he married you or not, but if he is your husband, his duty is to stay with you and his children, and NOT with his family or friends.
Sounds like he neglected you until you cheated, first emotionally and then physically ; but he was also cheating on you, emotionally and physically.
It makes no sense for him to claim that he loves you and then to do what he keeps on doing ; nor to say that he doesn't love her and would never marry her or have kids with her - but to keep on seeing her, and to take so long to even pretend to end that relationship. Has he told HER that he does not love her and would never settle with her ?
Then it appears that he lied about all that, and wants to have you AND her - so everything must be the way that best suits him, and your own wishes ae to be ignored ? What on earth is the point of remaining in any sort of relationship with this guy ? He seems to have no intention at all of respecting you or your needs or feelings.
And why is it you who feels guilty and responsible for all the misery HE created ?
As a self-respecting woman you should NOT agree to marry a man who doesn't love you and wants you to agree to him enjoying a mistress as well.
See a counsellor to help you gain self-respect and recognize how to lead your own life, for the sake of you and your children, and not to suit the selfish demands of this guy.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Laurei | 2011/07/27

What kind of man tells you that the only way to be with him is to accept another woman in his life? HOw can you even consider it! What happens when she has children with him? How will your family function? Unless you are a strong believer in polygamy, I dont see how this could work.
Perhaps you should suggest that he accept you with another man in your life too, and so you will have a four-some relationship. I think the whole situation is crazy and a recipe for disaster. If it were me, I would cut my losses.

Reply to Laurei
Posted by: CHER | 2011/07/26

hi,
apart from what you did in the past, your BF is very confused, maybe he doesn''t know if he can trust you, and he was wrong to cheat on you especially you needed him most. His friend used you and the colluege didn''t think you were over A.

right now you must focus on taking care of your kids, you did the right thing to refuse to share him and having 3 sum. totaly wrong. i''m sure there is a better man out there for you, or he''ll grow up and come to his senses.

Reply to CHER
Posted by: concerned | 2011/07/26

OMG! My love this is just too much. This guy is not interested in loving but is interested in having his cake and eating it (he wants options and you are an option). The fact that he left you for her and is now saying you must accept the other woman in his life is nonsense. You may have played your part in pushing him away, accept that and also accept that it was his choice as well to leave. You cannot force a grown man to do anything.

Get this man out of your life coz this is not a healthy relationship for you or your children. I do not have children but I can understand as a woman that you would like a family unit with a father to your children and a partner for you. Sometimes its just not possible to have that with the father of the children and that should be fine. Find yourself someone respectable and responsible who will be all of that for you. This guy is not serious and you are letting him put you thru this

Reply to concerned
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/26

OMG what a long story ! Folks, it really is important for you to edit down your postings, to make them clear and concise - and that exercise itself if valuable in helping you to figure out what are the essential aspects of your troubles, and what are details that are less important.
When you choose to have kids with someone who is not working and isn't prepared to marry you or similarly make a long-term and sincere committment to you, problems most often do arise. Its not clear from your message whether he married you or not, but if he is your husband, his duty is to stay with you and his children, and NOT with his family or friends.
Sounds like he neglected you until you cheated, first emotionally and then physically ; but he was also cheating on you, emotionally and physically.
It makes no sense for him to claim that he loves you and then to do what he keeps on doing ; nor to say that he doesn't love her and would never marry her or have kids with her - but to keep on seeing her, and to take so long to even pretend to end that relationship. Has he told HER that he does not love her and would never settle with her ?
Then it appears that he lied about all that, and wants to have you AND her - so everything must be the way that best suits him, and your own wishes ae to be ignored ? What on earth is the point of remaining in any sort of relationship with this guy ? He seems to have no intention at all of respecting you or your needs or feelings.
And why is it you who feels guilty and responsible for all the misery HE created ?
As a self-respecting woman you should NOT agree to marry a man who doesn't love you and wants you to agree to him enjoying a mistress as well.
See a counsellor to help you gain self-respect and recognize how to lead your own life, for the sake of you and your children, and not to suit the selfish demands of this guy.

Reply to cybershrink

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