Our expert says:
No, you absolutely should NOT kill yourself. and it wouldn't release anybody from anything.
If you have currently lost sight of the enjoyment and purpose of your life, that's unfortunate, and you need to get urgently into proper treatment with a shrink to sort out your depression and your extremely negative habits of thought about life. Failing to do this is no excuse for devastating a number of people who would be damaged by your death.
You need an aggressive CBT style therapist to find more meaning in life - you may be clinging to your eating disorder, not because i in itself is at all meaningful, but it gives you the illusion of meaning and a spurious but convincing sense of control - instead of enjoying the moderat degree of conrol we can all have over our lives, it gives you the sense of controlling something essentially irrelevant.
I'm pleased that you consider whatver treatment you received as "VERY good", though its far from clear whether you had proper CBT, or whether your central issues, as you reveal them, of a sense of meaninglessness in life, were properly dealt with, medication alone is not the best form of treatment.
Have you discussed this sense of pointlessness and despair with whoever treated you ( and who, clearly, should still be treating you ) ?
One of the advantages to a medical training, which most doctors don't notice, is that the more one learns about the enormous complexity of how our body and mind works, it is miraculous that most of us work pretty well much of the time, and hardly surprising that sometimes part of the system doesn't work qyite right.
I have different friends tight now coping with the aftermath of a murder, and of a suicide ( which used to be considered self-murder ) and nobody as thoughtful as you could choose to inflict that on even one other person.
The treatment you recently received may have been good, but it very obviously isn't complete. If you have honestly and frankly told your shrink how you feel, he/she would be far more actively involved in treatment with you right now. IF you did NOT tell him/her in detail, they you were cheating against yourself, and unfair to everyone, yourself included.
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