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Question
Posted by: debbie | 2011/10/18

should I have lied to him?

I start writing my final honours exams tomorrow and have been/still very stressed about them. For the last week I have switched off from everybody and am really enjoying being on my own to focus. My bf doesn''t seem to understand this and is feeling very insecure and keeps asking me if I miss him, still love him. At the moment I don''t miss anyone and don''t feel it is right to lie to him, so I told him the truth that I am actually enjoying the time of my own and that I am in a funny place right now where I don''t want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I could hear he took offence to this disclosure!! But what am I supposed to do, lie to him and say I miss him,when I don''t? I am tired of saying things to other people just to please them and not caring about my needs and wants. Should I maybe have told a white lie to protect his feelings? I think our relationship could change because of this now.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its unfortunate i your bf is so immature and insecure that he needs sroking and re-assurance at a time when it's obvious to anyone you need and deserve time to yourself for your studies.
Its not a question of lying, but being truthful in a kindly way - say you absolutely, above all, need this time to yourself to concentrate on your studies right now, and can't allow yourself to miss or worry about anyone else, and you're sure he is mature enough and able to understand this and not expect you to affirm him during this brief but vital time.
If he takes offense, then he is too immature and insecure to have a seriously mature relationship with anyone. Don't let his self-pity intefere with your studies. When you have succeeded in your exams, meet him again and talk about how things are and will be. If he is still sulking, move on, and leave him to do some more growing up

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Romany | 2011/10/18

I agree with Nonni.
Its not what you say, it is how you say it.
I try not to " comment" when I am under stress, busy, irritated etc. Reason being, when you say something to someone under these circumstances, chances are you will hurt their feelings.
So, what I do in a situation like this, if I am pressurised to provide a reply or a response is required, I stop what I am doing and I focus on the person I am dealing with and the question in hand.
There is a very true saying...... " Always keep your words soft. You may just have to eat them later." 
Either way, I am sure if you explain, he will understand.
Good luck with the exam

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Nonni | 2011/10/18

I have learned that sometimes it is not what I am saying that people find offensive, but the way I put things or the words I use, the tone of my voice and so on.

While I dont believe in lies, I have learned to be considerate of other peoples feelings and needs, and I think before I speak now and I try and say harsh things as softly as possible.

You can tell him very nicely that yes, you love him very much and you really appreciate the space he is giving you to get through this very stresful time and you look forward imensely to it being over so life can return to normal.

That is my opinion, best of luck to you, for your exams and your relationship.

Reply to Nonni
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/18

Its unfortunate i your bf is so immature and insecure that he needs sroking and re-assurance at a time when it's obvious to anyone you need and deserve time to yourself for your studies.
Its not a question of lying, but being truthful in a kindly way - say you absolutely, above all, need this time to yourself to concentrate on your studies right now, and can't allow yourself to miss or worry about anyone else, and you're sure he is mature enough and able to understand this and not expect you to affirm him during this brief but vital time.
If he takes offense, then he is too immature and insecure to have a seriously mature relationship with anyone. Don't let his self-pity intefere with your studies. When you have succeeded in your exams, meet him again and talk about how things are and will be. If he is still sulking, move on, and leave him to do some more growing up

Reply to cybershrink

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