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Question
Posted by: Unsure | 2008/09/26

Should I get out of this marriage URGENT

Hi Doc

I have a son (6yrs) from a previous relationship and got married 2 years ago to another man and we have a daughter together now. I also had a miscarraige in July of this year. However, from the beginning he would pick fights with me when he drinks (unsually way too much and often) and its has turned nasty on 3 occasions. The first time was when I was pregnant, I was almost flung out of the car when he pulles away after I opened my door, the second time he grabbed me around my neck after a fight where I poured all the alcohol down the drain and now this week, after another heavy session of drinking he accused me of lying about the recent pregnancy and also of having an affair at work. Both are untrue. He usually regrets everything the morning after and claims he goes blank and doesnt know what he is doing

I know, reading this sounds reason enough to leave, but, it is not always bad, we really have good times aswell.

Everytime things turn bad between us, I leave. I cannot stay with him if he is like that, but after he makes me talk to him about things, I always think things will be better, because we always commit to go for couples counceling and he always promise to go for individual counceling. This never happens as he claims he does not have time to take off work for counceling.

At this stage I am not living at home with him, but we are meeting for dinner tonight to decide on our future and I know that he is going to try and sweet talk me into staying in the marriage.

Please help me. I really dont know what to do. A part of me loves him, but the other part knows that this relationship is not healthy. Do you think it can still be saved??

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Our expert says:
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He sounds very like an alcoholic, and should recognize if he says he has blackouts and can't remember what he did the previous evening when drunk, that is a strong sign of alcoholism, and he needs treatment for this, rehab, AA, the works. If he can take enough time off work to drink, he can take enough time for counselling, and at the least marriage counselling would be a useful start. His promises cannot be taken as serious indicators of what he will do --- they may indicate how he feels, and what he would wisdh to do, but the evidence of his past behaviour shows that this is not what he will do UNLESS he gets proper expert help and works hard and sincwerely with the right experts to get this all right.

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