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Question
Posted by: Marley | 2009/10/12

Should I care what they think...

To cut a very long story short. My partner and I have had a massive fall out over some issues that have been made fairly public, partly because we live in a small town but also because there has been so much gossip about what has happened that everyone knows.

What happened doesnt really pertain to my question as we have decided to put the past behind us and move forward with our lives. We have forgiven each other for all that was done and said.

Problem is ... I come from a very close and broad group of friends who have stood by me, protected and defended me. Obviously they think getting back togethre with him is a bad idea and they dont want to see me get hurt again. Ive spent the last 4 months in an upside down world, they have picked me time and time again.

How do I follow my heart and give my relationship a fair try, but still let my friends know that Im grateful for their help and dont want to lose them?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry, folks, but as I have to rush to Durban for an emergency, this forum was supposed to have been closed from Noon Monday, and has only been left open by mistake. So it will be extremely difficult for me to respond to all questions before Friday.
WOuld some form of couples counselling be available to you, where you live ? It's understandable that your friends don't want you to be hurt again, the real question is how to reduce the risk of that happening. And why not simply explain to them how you appreciate their concern, and why you want to give it one more whirl ?
Good and thoughtful responses from other readers, too

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Our users say:
Posted by: almost mad | 2009/10/12

While i have no idea about what went down with you and your bf. With my sister I just got tired of it happening over and over again again and I have stopped caring because it just hurts too much worring about someone who keeps going back for more.

Reply to almost mad
Posted by: almost mad | 2009/10/12

I have a sister who is with a man who abuses her. At some point she believed he would kill her and so she eventually managed to leave him. then eventually she got back and married him...and he has continued his abuse...on a ' lesser'  scale. but I was very angry whe they got back together. I was mostly scared for her safety and that she might get hurt. Your friends care about you, and I think to be fair you should be sure what ever happened is really forgivable or whether he will once again hurt you. If you trust things in your relationship are okay then be honest and tell your friends. They will try to understand.

Reply to almost mad
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2009/10/12

Hi there. Its not easy to comment objectively without knowing the details of your pain and turmoil. However, what is annoying in the extreme for someone who has stood by ones friend through all the problems and heartache and have basically " taken sides" . By this I mean that your friends see you as the victim and the person who has been hurt. Thern after all their care and attention to you, you ignore all their advice and resume a relationship with the person who has in their opinion caused all the problems. Now is it fair for you to expect, even your best friends not to be somewhat annoyed and left asking themselves if you are serious or not. Personally, if someone ignored my adsvice after I have tried to help, I would be disinclined to be in a huirry to help again and again and again.....That is what you have to consider.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2009/10/12

Hi there. Its not easy to comment objectively without knowing the details of your pain and turmoil. However, what is annoying in the extreme for someone who has stood by ones friend through all the problems and heartache and have basically " taken sides" . By this I mean that your friends see you as the victim and the person who has been hurt. Thern after all their care and attention to you, you ignore all their advice and resume a relationship with the person who has in their opinion caused all the problems. Now is it fair for you to expect, even your best friends not to be somewhat annoyed and left asking themselves if you are serious or not. Personally, if someone ignored my adsvice after I have tried to help, I would be disinclined to be in a huirry to help again and again and again.....That is what you have to consider.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: JR | 2009/10/12

If they are real friends they will stand by your decision and pick you up again if you get hurt. I have learnt in the past that love is indeed blind and friends see thing you don' t see in a realationship and visa versa. I have too in the past had to stand back and just wait for the break up again and pick up the peaces again. That is why I say, good friends will stand by you again and let you bump your head again without meddling too much.

Reply to JR
Posted by: Anon | 2009/10/12

If your friends are your real friends they will support you, no matter what. If they see that your intentions (and the intentions of your partner) are for real they should be happy for you and support you. Disagreements and fights, however stupid or serious and important happen and is part of all our lives, whether we want to acknowledge it or not. Maybe this was a test of friendship and you will be able to see who your real friends are. With regard to the town gossip, think of the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, “ Great minds discuss ideas  Average minds discuss events  Small minds discuss people” . See what you can learn from the whole saga and just go forward.

Reply to Anon

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