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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2011/10/04

Should I be with this guy?

Hi,

I am currently in a situation and I am not sure what to do. I know that I have really bad boundaries and have a serious problem with saying ''no'' to people and I think that is causing some issues for me.

I have met this guy about 2 months ago. He is really nice and spoiled me to bits and made it very clear that he really likes me. I knew from the beginning that he was in between jobs because he got injured at work about 2 years ago which made him unable to do certain parts of his old job. I never knew how serious his injuries were until recently when he didn''t get a not such a physical job because he failed his medical. He is still waiting for the insurance companies to settle the claims. In the meantime he doesn''t work and because I think he is bored during the day, he wants to spend every living moment with me. That is starting to get to me as I have a fulltime job and do not have any alone time anymore and I feel guilty for not spending all my free time with him.

On top of that, he told me that he has 2 kids with a girl and they broke up about a year ago. He doesn''t spend much time with his kids, which bothers me, but he says that it is because he lives with two other guys and his ex has a new man now, so he doesn''t want to hang out at their house either. He keeps on assuring me that he is over his ex, but he talks a lot about her issues, like gambling and drinking and their history, that it made me think that there is still unresolved issues there and that he still has feelings for her. Shortly after we meet we went out one night and he got really drunk. I told him that I do not want to see him anymore. He came back begging met to give him another change and told me that his ex just told him about the new guy and he doesn’ t know why it affected him so much. So, I continued to see him.

Also, he had a vasectomy and he told me that the only way that he can get a girl pregnant now is with artificial insemination. I made no secret about the fact that I do want children in the future and he said that he would consider having more kids with the right woman. Is this a way to actually having kids?

Lastly, although he have good family values and comes from a good family, like me we don’ t really have the same religious values.

I am starting to feel that this is not right, but I am not sure. I do really like this guy, but isn''t the things that I mentioned a problem? I don''t want to get more involved if this will cause problems later, but I also don''t want to be the bad person that rejects this guy just when he is trying to get back on his feet again. He is really a nice guy and it looks like he would do anything for me. Am I just a spoiled brat and really ungrateful or are these true concerns?

Please tell me what you think.

Thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If he's bored, he needs hobbies and a range of friends, rather than an excessive dependency on you. Don't feel guilty for a situation you did not cause or create, or for refusing excessive demands.
And he should spend more of his spare time with his kids, surely ?
His story sounds like a guy who is at least highly unskilled at having good relationships. Its a bit much to expect a woman to marry a man who has 2 children with someone else and then a vasectomy so she could never have any kids of their own. Artificial insemination is not about HIM getting anyone pregnant, unless he banked a large volume of sperm at a sperm bank.
Does this have to be a passionate affair or nothing ? What about being just friends, without benefits ?

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Confused | 2011/10/06

Hi,

Thank you all for the advice. I guess I just needed some comfirmation of what I already knew.

Thanks,

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Reality check | 2011/10/04

He has
Health Problems
No Job
Kids to pay maintenance for
Baggage from his last relationship
Alcohol issues
Different religion 2 you
Cannot have children due to vasectomy
ls clingy

Wow he is a real catch - whats not to love?

Reply to Reality check
Posted by: Anne | 2011/10/04

You are number one, and you should take care of number one first. If you do not let go, this is going to emotionally drain you.

It seems as if he is totally dependant on you for his happiness. That is never a good thing.

In your shoes, I would cut the strings

Reply to Anne
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/04

If he's bored, he needs hobbies and a range of friends, rather than an excessive dependency on you. Don't feel guilty for a situation you did not cause or create, or for refusing excessive demands.
And he should spend more of his spare time with his kids, surely ?
His story sounds like a guy who is at least highly unskilled at having good relationships. Its a bit much to expect a woman to marry a man who has 2 children with someone else and then a vasectomy so she could never have any kids of their own. Artificial insemination is not about HIM getting anyone pregnant, unless he banked a large volume of sperm at a sperm bank.
Does this have to be a passionate affair or nothing ? What about being just friends, without benefits ?

Reply to cybershrink

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