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Question
Posted by: Layla | 2010-11-15

Should I be honest with my husband for wanting to visit my ex?

I''m going on an overseas holiday with my husband and child. To make things a bit complicated we''re taking a holiday where my ex boyfriend lives. I haven''t seen him in 12 years. He knows I''ll be there and has asked to see me. He is also married with a child. I really want to see him, as he was my first love and the only reason we parted was because of the distance between us. I''m very happily married and my husband and I tell each other everything. I just don''t know how he would take it if I told him I want to meet up with my ex. Is it best to play open cards or not to tell him of my plans? Or perhaps not to meet my ex at all? It''s just an innocent meeting. My husband is not a jealous guy at all but I don''t want to disappoint him. I love him with all my heart and don''t want him to doubt me or my love for a second. Help please!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Can't you have a calm chat with him about the plans for the holiday, mentioning that you have an old friend in one of the countries due to be visited, who you would like to meet up with - explore how he would feel about that, and if he perhaps has anyone he would like to visit. This needn't make him doubt your love. YOu don't really need to go into the gory details of the earlier relationship - maybe mention that at one time you felt close to this guy, but a close relationship was obviously not practical due to the long-distance, and now he's married, you'd like him to meet your husband who you love so much, and you'd be curious to see his wife and child. Do suggest that he join you in the meeting. And do ay that you won't go ahead if this would make him feel uncomfortable.
And yes, if you do indeed still have strong feelings of love and regret for this guy, then it'd be better not to meet

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Our users say:
Posted by: Just Me | 2010-11-18

Two of my best friends are Ex''s. My husband is totally aware and has never discussed this - not ever! I visit alone, or sometimes we visit together, or I invite them around. We were always best friends - you have to be loony if your partner isn''t both your best friend, lover and everything else all in one. So why would we not be friends now?? I don''t allow jealousy or mistrust into my life, and always ensured that I got the same in anyone I dated. I can''t for the life of me figure why you wouldn''t or couldn''t stop by with your Ex and have a drink in a public place - YES, a public place. In my books it would be wonderful to see an old friend. He is of course an old friend...? I agree, anything else would be unacceptable!

Reply to Just Me
Posted by: james | 2010-11-17

I agree and disagree with CS. It does not make sense, to be honest reverse the roles you will get an answer, how would you feel if your husband was to meet up with an ex girlfriend, first love at that who parted with them due to distance, meaning thanks to distance they are not together or else.I can tell that you are already looking forward to seeing him, you probably already dreamt about him or being with him. And how did he know you were coming, probably been keeping touch..........If I were you i would cancel the damn drip because even if you don''t see him there is a good chance that you will be thinking about him all the time and resenting your family.


He is married, the two of you were never supposed to be reconnected. Your feelings for him will be pretty clear and nobody wants to believe that they are with their partners by default. we all want to think it is because we are special and that we are loved yada yada yada

Reply to james
Posted by: Kay | 2010-11-16

I agree with QQ stay away!!! just imagine if there might be any chemistry? as you said it was just the distance and it sounds as if there was no closure... Only you can decide how strong you are. If you can walk away who says he (the X) would be able to. He might persue you and then what? I am not judging, but let sleeping dogs lie...Your choice

Reply to Kay
Posted by: Layla | 2010-11-15

Thanks. You definitely got me thinking. I''m in two minds whether or not I should see my ex at all. Two-stone - perhaps I am playing with fire. My husband knows that my ex lives there because I''ve told him that in the past.
The only reason why I would want to visit him alone is because I think it might be awkward....I can just imagine being in my hubby''s shoes, I would feel kind of weird about it. I definitely don''t want to spark a love affair with my ex, I am very loyal towards my husband.
I think I''ll tell my husband that my ex wants to see me and see what his reaction is. Thanks for all your advice.

Reply to Layla
Posted by: QQ | 2010-11-15

STAY AWAY. Let sleepipng dogs lie.

Reply to QQ
Posted by: Unique | 2010-11-15

From the way you are explaining this it doesn''t sound like YOU are convinced that the meeting will be completely innocent. I''m not sure you husband will be convinced either. It sounds like you want some old love thing to be be lit up, otherwise why mention that your partying was only because of distance?

Reply to Unique
Posted by: two-stone | 2010-11-15

I don''t really know why you feel you have to meet your ex at all. If it is as innocent as you say, it should be your whole family (kids and hubby) and his whole family - then I would say it is just to say hullo to an old friend. The worrying part is that you say " the only reason we parted was the distance "  which makes me feel you still have feelings for him. I really think you are playing with fire.

Reply to two-stone
Posted by: Maria | 2010-11-15

Tell him that you would like to meet up with your ex, but you won''t do it if it makes him feel uncomfortable. Let him make the decision and then stick to it without resentment. I also suggest that you and the ex don''t meet by yourselves. Bring the whole family, or at least the kids.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Liza | 2010-11-15

Why not take your husband with if you''re dead-set on meeting up with your ex? You say that you tell your husband everything - so go ahead and tell him. Secrets tend to snowball and eventually that ball of snow is too hard to hide! So either tell the truth, or don''t meet up with the ex.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-11-15

Can't you have a calm chat with him about the plans for the holiday, mentioning that you have an old friend in one of the countries due to be visited, who you would like to meet up with - explore how he would feel about that, and if he perhaps has anyone he would like to visit. This needn't make him doubt your love. YOu don't really need to go into the gory details of the earlier relationship - maybe mention that at one time you felt close to this guy, but a close relationship was obviously not practical due to the long-distance, and now he's married, you'd like him to meet your husband who you love so much, and you'd be curious to see his wife and child. Do suggest that he join you in the meeting. And do ay that you won't go ahead if this would make him feel uncomfortable.
And yes, if you do indeed still have strong feelings of love and regret for this guy, then it'd be better not to meet

Reply to cybershrink

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