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Question
Posted by: Flower1980 | 2010/08/23

Shock of my life

I am a 30 year old woman going through a divorce with my soon to be ex threathing to kill me.But that is not really my problem now. My dad went to jail for shooting his girlfriend in april. Ok he made a mistake I have forgiven him and I still love him, Now my 22 year old sister is pregnant and she stayed with my dad and she is 7 months now. My dad is very close with his daughters and he has 5 which I am the eldest. Some nelghbours in the road now came to my aunt and told her my sis is pregnant from my dad. she told the family it''s the ex boyfriend and hi is insisting it''s not his. Then she change her story saying it''s a drug addict. Now sis is staying with stepmon and she came upon a letter that my sister wrote to my dad, saying that my stepmom found out the truth and dad must do somethin to her and keep her away from the family. In the letter she also stated that everytime the baby kicks she thinks of him (dad) I mean really are they sick. Because if she is carring my dad''s baby it''s means she was satisfied with that life, she still go visit him every saturday.. How do I deal with this, do I cut them out of my life, do I forgive them, I mean this is just sick. I don''t know if I should hate them. Must In do ? How do I confront them?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

What a dramatic and difficult family life you are describing. Many people might not consider shooting one's girlfriend "a mistake". And now the claims that he may have impregnated your sister ? Incest is a crime, so this is a serious matter, and its worth establishing the truth. Blood tests can be done on your sister, the baby, your father and the boy-friend. If the bf is unavailable, tests on your sister, the baby and your father could show whether he is the father of the child, and might show that he could not be the father of that child.
The letter should be kept as evidence, and it is an offense to destroy evidence in a criminal matter.
Incest is not just against the law, but has potentially very serious consequences - for instance, the risk of abnormalities in the baby is much higher when the parents are related, the more closely they are related, the higher the risk.
Hating your sister and father is not required - but neither is it required that you forgive them. It seems important for the truth to be established. Maybe one of those who know about this should report it to the police for a proper investigation. If this is NOT your father's baby, it is important and useful to establish that as a fact. And if it IS his baby, that also needs to be dealt with.
If your father is content to have sex with a father a child with his own daughter ( not to mention the possibility of shooting his girlfriend ) he sounds like someone with absolutely no respect for the ordinary moral code of the community ( indeed of ANY community and ANY culture ) and no consideration for the likely consequences of just doing whatever pleases him.
And if your sister is actually content to have sex with her own father, and to bear his child, irrespective of the possible consequences to the child, it also appears that she too has no moral sense and no respect for the law or the behaviopurs expected within her community. She would need counselling both to deal with the birth of this child ( let alone if it turns out to be a disabled or malformed child ) and to understand what she has been doing. And the authorities might very well decide that such behaviour would show her to be unfit to mother and care for the unfortunate child.
For the sake of the child, whatever the truth, within this disturbed and disturbing situation, it seems the authorities ( including the police and child welfare ) should be notified and investigate appropriately.
Confronting them personall isn't your responsibility, though if they approach you it is appropriate for you to calmly and clearly ask them to tell you what has been going on, and to make it clear that you consider that to be wrong, and you can't condone it.
If it turns out that what you suspect is indeed the case, you have no need to keep such awful people in your life or to maintain contact with them. Too much guff is talked about needin to "forgive" all wrong-doers, which merely encourages wrong-doing. Especially in SA, we are too often instructed to forgive unrepentant and continuing wrong-doers.
Forgiveness is something between them and their GOd and their ancestorsd, not any sort of duty you owe them. What they owe themselves is to face up to the reality of what they have been doing, and to sow remorse, to understand why they have done wrong, and to be genuinely sorry for this, and to decide not todo this sort of thing again.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Gudda Gudda | 2010/08/24

Well they are adults and it seems like they both knew what they were doing. By the sounds of it your sister still misses your fathers you know what, so she wasn''t raped. I don''t see why you should take things so seriously even if it''s wrong, it''s their lives. I gues your father is into the mentality that says "  You can''t plant cabbage and have someone else harvesting it "  eishhhh, it''s actualy sick

Reply to Gudda Gudda
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/23

What a dramatic and difficult family life you are describing. Many people might not consider shooting one's girlfriend "a mistake". And now the claims that he may have impregnated your sister ? Incest is a crime, so this is a serious matter, and its worth establishing the truth. Blood tests can be done on your sister, the baby, your father and the boy-friend. If the bf is unavailable, tests on your sister, the baby and your father could show whether he is the father of the child, and might show that he could not be the father of that child.
The letter should be kept as evidence, and it is an offense to destroy evidence in a criminal matter.
Incest is not just against the law, but has potentially very serious consequences - for instance, the risk of abnormalities in the baby is much higher when the parents are related, the more closely they are related, the higher the risk.
Hating your sister and father is not required - but neither is it required that you forgive them. It seems important for the truth to be established. Maybe one of those who know about this should report it to the police for a proper investigation. If this is NOT your father's baby, it is important and useful to establish that as a fact. And if it IS his baby, that also needs to be dealt with.
If your father is content to have sex with a father a child with his own daughter ( not to mention the possibility of shooting his girlfriend ) he sounds like someone with absolutely no respect for the ordinary moral code of the community ( indeed of ANY community and ANY culture ) and no consideration for the likely consequences of just doing whatever pleases him.
And if your sister is actually content to have sex with her own father, and to bear his child, irrespective of the possible consequences to the child, it also appears that she too has no moral sense and no respect for the law or the behaviopurs expected within her community. She would need counselling both to deal with the birth of this child ( let alone if it turns out to be a disabled or malformed child ) and to understand what she has been doing. And the authorities might very well decide that such behaviour would show her to be unfit to mother and care for the unfortunate child.
For the sake of the child, whatever the truth, within this disturbed and disturbing situation, it seems the authorities ( including the police and child welfare ) should be notified and investigate appropriately.
Confronting them personall isn't your responsibility, though if they approach you it is appropriate for you to calmly and clearly ask them to tell you what has been going on, and to make it clear that you consider that to be wrong, and you can't condone it.
If it turns out that what you suspect is indeed the case, you have no need to keep such awful people in your life or to maintain contact with them. Too much guff is talked about needin to "forgive" all wrong-doers, which merely encourages wrong-doing. Especially in SA, we are too often instructed to forgive unrepentant and continuing wrong-doers.
Forgiveness is something between them and their GOd and their ancestorsd, not any sort of duty you owe them. What they owe themselves is to face up to the reality of what they have been doing, and to sow remorse, to understand why they have done wrong, and to be genuinely sorry for this, and to decide not todo this sort of thing again.

Reply to cybershrink

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