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Posted by: james | 2012/03/27

she stopped going to counselling

I have had numerous problems with my gf regarding a lot of things. we both have problems, she believes i have a short temper but i believe she is overly controlling and most of the time self centred. I have in the past tried to speak to her in as nice as i can but it has never worked. she believes until i change then things will not improve.

I then did self introspection for things i can change in me.....i discovered i may have a disorder of some sort. and decided i should get help. I have proposed that me and her go for couples counselling to be able to view things from each other angle. The first session went well, as the counsellor spoke to both of us and then her about our situation. she explained her situation and off we went. when we went for the second session, i was given a chance to explain, she felt pained by the explanations and decided that she does not want to be part of it.

The challenge is that, there are still issues we have not resolved and we are getting married. when i suggest we visit th counselling a chance, she tells me to go by myself. Now i feel stupid that i had to beg her to come to begin with and she is now giving me the finger because she cannot accept that she could be wrong aboyut certain things.

I am sitting her dumbfounded and do not know what to do. I love her dearly but i often worry when we have to meet because it is going to end with a fight, so i try to avoid her and do as she wishes most of the time. the problem is the i am a happy person generally - it bothers her that i am not able to be that happy with her. i am not able to be the best of myself with her as that is the part of me she does not appreciate. she prefers order, calm and control. i am currently staying with a couzin, female....younger...the other day we fought about her dress code - that i allow her to dress short skirts and sunday, she went to church while i was still asleep, my girlfriend then told me she should have reported that she was off to church. although it would have been great for her to tell me, i did not mind as i know she attends church.

most of the time, when i am at her place, it is not fun because she gives orders most of the time and her siblings are grumpy and the mood is dumpend. now these things scare me a lot. I love her and want her in my life but i dont know how to prevent this fights we keep having. i really can appreciate advise -i really want to make this work

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So maybe you both have some problems, but she believes only in yours and thinks only you need to change ? If she's not prepared to accept that she also has some difficulties and also needs to change, there's not much good promise in this relationship, is there ? Proceeding to marry someone in this situation is hardly wise, is it ?
Is your love mainly for the person you hope she will be, rather than the self-centred person she actually is ?
As Maria says, you show admirable maturity in recognizing that you're not perfect and in being prepared to take help to improve. She sounds deeply immature and really not ready to marry anyone yet.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Noks Babe | 2012/03/31

I know what it feels like to want someone and something to work and it simply isn''t. You hold on hoping that someday it will all work out, sometimes, for the better, it doesn''t. Your girlfriend doesnt want to aknowledge her mistakes and this won''t help either of you in the long run. Make a list of what you want in a wife and if she doesn''t meet the requirements then you have a lot to think about. I feel sorry for you as love is made up of many things like caring, kindness, trust, happiness etc. If you can''t be yourself with someone then what''s the point?

Reply to Noks Babe
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/28

So maybe you both have some problems, but she believes only in yours and thinks only you need to change ? If she's not prepared to accept that she also has some difficulties and also needs to change, there's not much good promise in this relationship, is there ? Proceeding to marry someone in this situation is hardly wise, is it ?
Is your love mainly for the person you hope she will be, rather than the self-centred person she actually is ?
As Maria says, you show admirable maturity in recognizing that you're not perfect and in being prepared to take help to improve. She sounds deeply immature and really not ready to marry anyone yet.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Obvious | 2012/03/27

Tell her if she refuses to go to therapy u refuse 2 marry her........

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: Maria | 2012/03/27

Love is not enough. For a marriage to work you must bring out the best in each other, not the worst. Please do not even think of getting married under these circumstances, it will only end it tears. It is admirable that you are honest with yourself and willing to work at changing, only an emotionally mature person is willing to admit when he is at fault. It sounds as if your girlfriend might still have some growing up to do. Unless she decides to work with you to improve yourselves and your relationship, I''m afraid I don''t see a future here. And this is something she has to decide for herself, you cannot do it for her. I know this is not something you want to think about right now, but would you not be happier with someone who accepts you for who you are and that you actually want to spend time with?

Reply to Maria

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