Posted by: me!! | 2009-01-15

She left, but must move to her now?

Hi there... please help. I was married got divorce and have a child of 8 years old, my mother is very controlling and talks to me between 2 to 3 times a day. I am her only son (I am 31 now). Anyway I met this new girlfriend and even got engaged because she was the next best thing next to sliced and butter bread… ..but she hates my ex-wife because my ex-wife still love me and wants me back and my new girlfriend knows it but still feels scared that I might want to go back, (which I don’ t want to do) and hates my mother as she is very controlling and always want to tell everybody what to do even in my own house.
My girlfriend (fiancé ) left me the 3 January because she couldn’ t handle everything and moved down to Durban, (where she came from originally)… I have begged and pleaded but nothing she said that she will never come back to me (JHB). She said that she still loves me and misses me too and if I am serious about her then I must move down to Durban to be with her as this will help her a lot and we will be happy… . Now just two questions, what do I do about my daughter of 8 years old and what do I do about my mother because I am her only child? Just remember I love my girlfriend a lot and will do anything for her, but I am being stupid here and hasty?
PLEASE give advice is it as catch 22 situation (PS my work said they would approve a transfer)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Come on, readers --- another non-psychiatric question from someone obviously distressed by a complicated social situation. Where's your advice ? Maybe see a counsellor and explore your different options calmly so as to be better able to make a wise decision

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: KC | 2009-01-16

It' s the most terrible thing to have to make a choice between your gf, your mother and your child. Your ex... you mean your history.. she must know that is where she belongs.

I totally disagree with the fact that you should just move your child from her current living conditions and take her to her biological mother. I am a single African Mum of two, and African or not, it is not right to just assume that all black mothers take care of their kids.... its so ******, because some black mothers just make them and dump them. I had both parents when I grew up, but I was more close to my dad than I am to my mum. When my father died, I found it very hard to cope and up to this day, I still wish he was alive.

So please think about your daughter before you make any heisty decisions about moving her or you leaving her, and remember that if her mother wanted to be with her she would be living with her now... i am not sure about her current situation so I wont say much.

About the ex, tell her where to go and jump and assist her with the funeral arrangements.

Your mother... she needs to know that you still love her and no one will ever take her place, but she needs to grow up.

Good luck.

Reply to KC
Posted by: My opinion | 2009-01-15

Your girlfriend is playing on your emotions man, DONT let your girlfriend-fiance control you, no way.
Your fiance wants control and she has 3 things standing in her way.
1. Your daughter
2. Your mother
3. Ex wife

Your daughter is your #1 priority.
Your mother #2 priority because she is your only mother and can never be replaced, the day she is dead you will realise how important the time she was around really was (I WILL AGREE WITH HER CONTROLLING AND BEING DEMANDING NEEDS TO BE CONTROLLED- AND ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT, NOT YOUR FIANCE !!!!!!!!!!)

The ex wife is not a priority and your fiance needs to deal with her insecurities and FACE THE FACT THAT SHE WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU SHARE A CHILD TOGOTHER.

Now the real issue here is:

Your fiance is trying to get her way and as far as i am concerned she is doing this is a bad and somewhat evil way man. If she makes such a demand that u must pack up and move while she knows that you have daughter who needs you its SELFISH and I WILL LEAVE HER TO LIFE HER LIFE IN DBN.

This woman does not respect you and never will unless you standup and be a man.

Reply to My opinion
Posted by: Oh really hell no?! | 2009-01-15

How convenient for you men then hey?

Reply to Oh really hell no?!
Posted by: just me | 2009-01-15

move to durbs - that is your fiance and future wife. you can see your daughter once a month and on special occassions and speak to her everyday on the phone. kids are resilient and she will be fine. you can arrange with your ex wife to have your daughter over for holidays or the odd weekend. your transfer has been approved so financially you are set. if you move - u loosen the noose ur mom has on u and your ex-wife will realize that she has to move on whether she likes it or not. do not concern yourself with her and her affairs - ignore her. just concern yourself with your child and your mom is bound to relax is there' s a bit of distance between ya' ll.. I SAY GO! and start the new chapter in your life that you crave and need.

Reply to just me
Posted by: Hell no | 2009-01-15

We both no that we are not equally responsible,mothers are more responsible than the fathers.

Reply to Hell no
Posted by: Oh really hell no?! | 2009-01-15

Hell no hell no!!! So what you' re saying is the farther of the child can move around and do what he wants but the mother of the child cannot?! That' s not fair. They are both equally responsible for conceiving this child, they should both be equally responsible in taking care of her!

Why should he be free to move around and do as he pleases?!

Reply to Oh really hell no?!
Posted by: me!! | 2009-01-15

To answer all question, yes my ex-wife is seeing someone else but she is not happy and wants me back.....but I don' t want to go back.....I love my daughter and she does live with mommy and for my mom, I love her too but is very irritating from time to time, and yes I have spoken to my mom, but she says we are all wrong and just stupid, and for my girlfriend I love her more than my own life??? So hard so hard I don' t wish this on anyone to make a dicision.....

Reply to me!!
Posted by: Hell no | 2009-01-15

Yes,u will not sleep with mommy dearest but u will definately not sleep with ur daughter...where is her mother?Mothers must take care of their kids.The mother is free to date a sleep with anyone whereas ur chain to her child.

In black culture,a mother stays with the kids,period.Now u wanna move on with ur life and ur disturbed but the child whose mother is still alive.

My advice,pls take the child to her mom and move down to DBN to find ur love.U will arrange visitations with ur daughter as soon as ur settled.

Reply to Hell no
Posted by: My 2c | 2009-01-15

Your first concern should be your child, she deserves your love and attention no matter what. It is your duty to provide this.

As for your mother - she should be made to understand that you need her love and support, not her interference.

As for your girlfriend - she has to understand that your child should be your no 1 priority and that you can' t just leave her behind.

As for you - your mother can only be controlling if you let her control you. You should stand up for yourself and for what you want but at the same time let your mother knowthat you still love her.

It is my opinion that you mother feels threatened by your girlfriend and that your girlfriend feels threatened by your ex-wife. You should reassure both of them of their importance in your life.

Your mother and your girlfriend must compromise and learn to tolerate each other.

If you move to Durban you will eventually resent your girlfriend because you had to leave your child and mother behind.

You have quite a challenge ahead of you

Reply to My 2c
Posted by: Yeah well here goes | 2009-01-15

You know what, at the end of the day you can' t marry mommy and mommy can never take the place of your girlfriend. Your gf obviously sounds very unhappy and threatened by mommy dearest, but who wouldn' t? Maybe sit mom down and set some boundaries. She can' t phone you 3x a day! Then talk to gf and tell her about your plans. Your child needs you and it will be foolish to move down to Durbs and leave her hanging around without a dad. Think about her too. It' s not clear if she stays with you? If she does, think of all the changes in her little life! No, set some boundaries for mommy, talk to gf and tell the ex to find someone else. Tell her you are not interested and tell her in front of gf - if you want things to work out. Only you can decide the way forward, but your gf sounds quite gatvol.

Reply to Yeah well here goes
Posted by: me!! | 2009-01-15

To  CyberShrink

That' s why I am asking for help from you, asking you or going to a counsellor is the same.....isn' t it?

Reply to me!!

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