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Question
Posted by: Anonymous | 2010/09/27

shame....

This is very embarrassing and difficult to write but it''s worrying me and i need to share this with a professional as i would like your opinion. Long story short - i am not in love with my therapist but i have strong, intense feelings towards him. He is strictly professional and doesnt have an idea of what i am thinking. I know these are only obsessive, intrusive thoughts but it is wrong to have them. I even fantasized of raping him! This is upsetting because I am a virgin in every sense of the word - i have never had a boyfriend, never went on a date, never kissed a boy, never held a boy''s hand etc. I havent done anything what other kids/adults would do except one thing. I have led a very isolated life as a result of many issues, one being i was molested as a young child by my uncle. I never enjoyed what he did at the time but afterwards when i became aware that what he did, i could do to myself. I only did it because it made me feel good (although i was filled with disgust and nausea at the same time). As an innocent child, i became addicted to this act not knowing what a huge sin it was. When i found out that i was committing a sin, i was terrified and wanted to stop but i couldnt. I asked for forgiveness and guidance and turned to religion but the harder i tried to stay away from doing those things, the more i did them. Don''t get me wrong, i knew only what my uncle did to me while i was pretending to be asleep. Although i was touching myself, i had no idea what sex was and what a male looked like. I am in therapy and now I think my therapist has awaken feelings i blocked away. I dont want to quit therapy as i have worked hard. I realise my eating disorder is as a result of my abuse. Now that i am trying to look after myself, instead of punishing myself, these old feelings have resurfaced. I find sex and anything connected to it (eg kissing), disgusting but yet i think about me being violently raped. Sometimes i even wished my uncle raped me. Why didnt he finish something he started? I felt rejected by him. I thought there was something wrong with me. I dont want to be thinking or talking about these stuff with my therapist or anyone else, that''s why i thought i would post it on your forum. It was difficult to put my thoughts down and i am scared i havent done a good job explaining myself. I just needed to " talk"  to someone. People who know me think i am a prude. Yes, i might not know what most people know, but that what i do, makes me feel like the worst sinner on this planet. My therapist is my first male " friend"  and i like him but not in a sexual way, but i cant stop thinking about him with his wife. To me, he and his wife represent everything that is good and pure and are too good to be doing things which animals do. It hurts to think like this because i know they are blessed with a good marriage and hate thinking of them in this way as it is an invasion of their privacy and dignity. Why cant one be in love without sex? I fantasize about being raped but the mere thought of people having real sex makes me nauseous and disgusted. Why stoop to the level of animals? Can you perhaps help explain why i am the way i am? Is there something wrong with me? Am i at fault? Please be open and honest with me. These issues have plagued me all my life. How can i bring these issues to a session or should i rather not say anything? I dont know how to handle this situation. I feel dirty, disgusting &  perverted as i am betraying this man who has been nothing but caring, understanding and is committed in wanting to help me. I have betrayed him with ugly thoughts. I hate my uncle for messing with my mind. How can i face this person who has only been good to me?? He thinks i am a nice person, when i am plain evil. Please help me as I am wracked with guilt and shame.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You have explained yourself rather well. And these ARE crucial issues to be discussing with your therapist. There are many reasons ( some of which we have discussed before ) why someone in therapy can become obsessed with their therapist, including erotic fantasies and feelings - if discussed openly and frankly with a competent and responsible therapist, this can be useful in working through elements of your problems that really need to be dealt with. There is no benefit in keeping these ideas and feelings to yourself.
What your uncle did was wrong in many ways, including illegal, and in the eyes of most people, it was sinful - of HIM. It was no sinful or wrong or abnormal for you to have been victimized by this bad man, or for you to have been normally aroused by parts of your experienced. And masturbation is entirely normal and usual, and almost universal.
Having and enjoying sex isn't any more animal-like in humans, than is eating, or drinking, or other normal body functions.
Your therapist, if he was even half as competent and nice as he probably is, will understand if you reveal all these concerns, and will be able to help you to resolve these issues and move beyond them. Indeed, he needs to be able to work with these to be successful in really halping you.
You in no way "betray" him by having thee thoughts and feelings, or by revealing them. No more than someone with a broken arm "betrays" anyone by feeling pain in the broken arm.
I'm sure he recognizes you as a good person who has had some bad experiences, who feels inappropriately and undeservedly ashamed and guilty, and is nowhere even remotely evil.
He will probably be expecting that some such issues are present and significant for you, and should be waiting for you to reveal them in discussion with him, so that you can work through them together to set you free from all the unfortunate repercussions of someone else who did bad things to you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2010/09/27

If you think that your thoughts are sinful, then I''m going straight to the hot place down below - probably by way of a lightning strike VERY soon!

I know how you''re feeling - spent a large part of my growing years convinced I was evil for allowing my uncle to molest me - and then further guilt because I was raised Catholic - and masturbation is a sin according to the Catholic church. Now I know that masturbation doesn''t hurt anyone, it''s completely disease-free and that most people do it! It''s the church doctrine that is wrong - not you!

You also have to be completely honest with your therapist. A therapist can only help if you''re completely honest. If you lie or leave out things that are truly bothering you, your therapist can''t help you like you need to be helped.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Anon | 2010/09/27

If you don''t want to tell your therapist how you feel about him, maybe you should try to find another therapist - maybe a person of the sex you aren''t attracted to (not sure if you are male or female/gay or straight). And explain to that therapist why you are changing so that the issue can be explored.

Or how about writing the way you feel down in a letter &  asking him to read it because you are too embarassed to say it out loud. He will understand!

I''m sure once you''ve worked through this issue you''ll be able to make more contact with men and maybe even find a loving partner. You shouldn''t have to accept that you are ''destined to be alone''!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: G | 2010/09/27

You think masturbating is a sin?

Reply to G
Posted by: LP | 2010/09/27

get an ugly therapist. he will not be drool-quality but will heal you and soon you will have a real boyfriend

Reply to LP
Posted by: Germ | 2010/09/27

The world has allot of bad things but there is good too on this planet i really think you should search for the good things like love trust fun relationships holding hands getting flowers and all that stuff
any way hope you find what you looking for

Reply to Germ
Posted by: Anon | 2010/09/27

Thank you for your responses. I am so desperate in how to deal with this matter, I posted on this forum. I thought people would judge me negatively or even (my worst fear) make fun of me. Thank you for the kind words. It means a lot to me. I feared people would call me a freak.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Germ | 2010/09/27

No one should be alone in live that is not how it works it is only up to you weather you going to be alone or not??
How can you say it is not meant for you if you have never tried a real relationship… ???
I take it you are working on you eating disorder as the abuse part is over already but it sounds like that is what you want don’ t take me up wrong please I’ m just trying to understand what you

Reply to Germ
Posted by: Anon | 2010/09/27

The above post is 100% true. I turned 40. Please dont misunderstand me. I am not looking for that type of a relationship as that is not meant for me. I know I sound like a weirdo. I have accepted the fact that I am meant to be alone and I dont mind but having these feelings is not me. I hate feeling like this. For the first time in my life I am looking after myself, putting me first and working on my issues. I just want to be able to live a healthy lifestyle and my eating disorder is linked to my abuse. I have avoided the abuse issue but now I am forced to acknowledge it did happen and that it has affected me in a big way. I am seriously thinking of quitting therapy as I cant deal with the emotions that comes with it.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Germ | 2010/09/27

How old are you if I may ask? I’ m sure you can make male friends....... and have a normal sex life.... have you really never had a boyfriend, never went on a date, never kissed a boy, never held a boy’ s hand etc if so I really think it is time for you to do just that go out and meet ppl do the things kiss hold hands date and I think personally that will help with your problem as you are still stuck in the past if you want to chat just let me know

Regards JC Germ

Reply to Germ
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/09/27

You have explained yourself rather well. And these ARE crucial issues to be discussing with your therapist. There are many reasons ( some of which we have discussed before ) why someone in therapy can become obsessed with their therapist, including erotic fantasies and feelings - if discussed openly and frankly with a competent and responsible therapist, this can be useful in working through elements of your problems that really need to be dealt with. There is no benefit in keeping these ideas and feelings to yourself.
What your uncle did was wrong in many ways, including illegal, and in the eyes of most people, it was sinful - of HIM. It was no sinful or wrong or abnormal for you to have been victimized by this bad man, or for you to have been normally aroused by parts of your experienced. And masturbation is entirely normal and usual, and almost universal.
Having and enjoying sex isn't any more animal-like in humans, than is eating, or drinking, or other normal body functions.
Your therapist, if he was even half as competent and nice as he probably is, will understand if you reveal all these concerns, and will be able to help you to resolve these issues and move beyond them. Indeed, he needs to be able to work with these to be successful in really halping you.
You in no way "betray" him by having thee thoughts and feelings, or by revealing them. No more than someone with a broken arm "betrays" anyone by feeling pain in the broken arm.
I'm sure he recognizes you as a good person who has had some bad experiences, who feels inappropriately and undeservedly ashamed and guilty, and is nowhere even remotely evil.
He will probably be expecting that some such issues are present and significant for you, and should be waiting for you to reveal them in discussion with him, so that you can work through them together to set you free from all the unfortunate repercussions of someone else who did bad things to you.

Reply to cybershrink

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