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Question
Posted by: Di | 2012/04/03

sexual orientation

I founf out that my husband gave a guy a bj about 10 years ago, he confessed it to me, as he loves me, and beieves in a no secret policy, he confessed to me about 4 years ago, and since then, although I have fiorgiven him, I cant bring myself to have sex with him, or even kiss him, I do let him have quick sex now and then, but will never touch him, as what he did was unfaithful, and homosexual, he thinks well at least I didnt go with another woman, but I think it would have been much better if he did, I just cant get over this, but do love him, and he is a great husband, and my best friend, but this gay thing from such a mans man, is just eating me up, when he comes to kiss me, I think of his mouth been filled with semen, when he wants me to touch him, I think of him touching a man, I even get angry if he stands naked brushing his teeth, because I dont know if he is looking at his penis sexually, he seems to want a lot of sex, but I just cant give it, how do I get him to go for help, to get over his sexual desire, or even understand that we have a great marriage, but we dont have to have sex, we have been married for nearly 20 years, and it seems the more he sees me naked the hornier he gets, I try to avoid him seeing me, or even my panties, because when he does he gets horny, and I get irritated, and it causes fights, I told him to seek help, but he said he would only go with me, and I will not go discuss this, he needs to go, he is the one that sucked his friends dick, not me, any advise please

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

One-off or rare homosexual encounters are not rarfe among otherwise fully heterosexual / straight men, and even among women. These events don't represent pathology or sickness, nor do they need treatment.
It sounds as though you enjoyed an entirely normal, happy and sexual marriage with a straight guy for many years, but then after apparently one single incident, which he ) maybe unwisely ) was honest enough to tell you about, you have rejected everything you had enjoyed and knew about him, and it sounds as though you brood excessively about that incident, generalizing and inflating it . The problem now really lies chiefly within your imagination and not within his or his behaviour.
It is not him who needs to get help.
One wonders whether you ever really enjoyed sex, as you seem to have seized on this one story as an excuse to withhold physical love from him for so long.
If, as you acknowledge, there is still much thaty is good for both of you in this marriage, then you need to see an experienced marriage counsellor, maybe a psychologist, TOGETHER, to work through all of this, and it is aboutmuch more than the single episode he told you about.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Di | 2012/04/03

Thank you all for your responses, maybe I need to deal with it, I have also done things I wish I hadnt, just not with another woman, and not while married, I actually was a virgin when I met my husband, and my younger lifestyle and his were really different. I will try, and will post again shortly

Reply to Di
Posted by: Megs | 2012/04/03

Sorry to say, but YOU are the one who needs help if you can’ t get over something that happened 10 years ago! You sound extremely narrow minded and homophobic, actually. If you don’ t want sex, then just divorce and be friends. Sex is as important in a relationship as love, honesty, trust, etc. I mean really, to “ offer”  him sex twice a month is just ridiculous- he’ s not a child that can get rations of something at certain times! Just because YOU don’ t need sex, it doesn’ t mean HE doesn’ t and if you can see that and actually make an effort, he will look for it elsewhere, whether you guys love each other or not.


What a pity you have never struggled with your sexual orientation- it’ s really not as simple as you make it out to be, it’ s actually quite a minefield. You have obviously done something you regret. We all have. But it’ s not fair to forever punish someone for being curious.

Reply to Megs
Posted by: Di | 2012/04/03

I seriously do love my husband, and always enjoyed sex very much, I would allow him to massage me, which he loves, and we had a few toys, sex was great, I still love him, and climax when we do have sex, the issue that he stumbled is one thing, but the real issue, is that it was giving a man a bj, that is homosexual, and I battle that my straight manly husband could have gone down on another man, and I allow sex, I just dont need the long massages, and foreplay, do it get it done, and be fine for a week or two, I am

Reply to Di
Posted by: Pain | 2012/04/03

For me it sounds like you have lost sexual desires in your husband. It could be because he told you he cheated or the confessing was a tool for to use against him, you were already not interested in him in that way. If you do not find him desirable, attractive even sexually appealing anymore  I suggest you come clean with him, as these are the core values of people who are in love and happily married. You married a man not a doormat. Who do you suggest he has sex with while you are offering twice a month? Where would you be getting sex in the meantime as well? Face the truth, you have fallen out of love with him and just do not want to rattle the comfortable life you are accustomed to. Woman would kill for their husbands to find them appealing after 20 years of marriage!!

Reply to Pain
Posted by: Sympathiser | 2012/04/03

See my comment on Sexologist.

Reply to Sympathiser
Posted by: Liza | 2012/04/03

I''m quite sure he disagrees with your assessment that your marriage would be perfect without sex. You also seem to be laying the blame squarely at his feet - when it''s definitely a two-way street. He was unfaithful 10 years ago and you''re STILL punishing him for it by denying him the affection he wants?!? That is not the action of a forgiving wife...

''how do I get him to go for help'' - This is NOT a situation that would be improved by only him going for counseling. This situation will only improve if BOTH of you make the commitment to go for couples counseling together. Compromise is one of the most important parts of being married. If either partner aren''t willing to compromise, the relationship is heading for divorce court.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Lil | 2012/04/03

Shame you''re a very ignorant woman ... and as for your hubby - he should have left you years ago already!!! If you cannot move on and forgive and forget, you don''t deserve him ... and to deprive him of s ex is the worst sin you can commit as his wife!!! I think you''re just in the marriage because it''s convenient. Why don''t you just leave him to find happiness somewhere else instead of keeping him trapped in a loveless marriage???

Reply to Lil
Posted by: Di | 2012/04/03

I do not want a divorce, we get along so well together, and he is a honest caring husband and father, thats why he told me, he couldnt live with any secret. I just dont want sex, why cant we be married, and I will give him sex even twice a month, and why cant it just be a quick release, not all the foreplay, etc. if we could live how we live without sex, our marriage would be perfect.

Reply to Di
Posted by: hilly | 2012/04/03

If you want divorce do it, u dont want to forget and move on its your choice

Reply to hilly
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/04/03

One-off or rare homosexual encounters are not rarfe among otherwise fully heterosexual / straight men, and even among women. These events don't represent pathology or sickness, nor do they need treatment.
It sounds as though you enjoyed an entirely normal, happy and sexual marriage with a straight guy for many years, but then after apparently one single incident, which he ) maybe unwisely ) was honest enough to tell you about, you have rejected everything you had enjoyed and knew about him, and it sounds as though you brood excessively about that incident, generalizing and inflating it . The problem now really lies chiefly within your imagination and not within his or his behaviour.
It is not him who needs to get help.
One wonders whether you ever really enjoyed sex, as you seem to have seized on this one story as an excuse to withhold physical love from him for so long.
If, as you acknowledge, there is still much thaty is good for both of you in this marriage, then you need to see an experienced marriage counsellor, maybe a psychologist, TOGETHER, to work through all of this, and it is aboutmuch more than the single episode he told you about.

Reply to cybershrink

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