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Question
Posted by: Debbie | 2011/02/21

sexual issues

Hi doc

I need your opinion please! Me and my boyfriend doesn''t have sex at all, and it''s becoming a bit of an issue - he''s 30 years older than i am, and a very sexual person. (divorced with a VERY extensive history of previous girls.) I am very inexperienced (he''s only the second boyfriend i''ve EVER had - and i''ve never had sex, apart from 3 rapes). I''d actually describe myself as a-sexual - i''m just not interested. I feel SO guilty about the fact that i can''t satisfy him in this area, but i simply CANNOT bring myself to do it. Otherwise our relationship is VERY good - we are very close to each other. I''ve even considered telling him that if he wants to, he can have sex with other women, because i know this is a MAJOR need in his life. or should i rather just compromise, and make myself go through the motions to satisfy him? I''ve never found him sexually attractive...but then, i''ve never found ANYONE sexually attractive. I feel SO guilty! as if i''m depriving him of a fulfilling relationship. :-( I hate myself for being like this!!!!!!!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Gosh, this really doesn't sound like a promising relationship. A guy who sounds primarily sexual and with very many women in his life, and a woman who has had most unfortunate sexual experiences, and is much younger.
But why should you feel guilty about not being as interested in sex as you ? That's much less logical than for him to feel guilty for not being sensitive enough to understand your situation and be much less demanding of you.
Sex is a normal part of most people's lives, but it's important to recognize it as a want rather than a Need. If he wanted a sexual relationship, surely he could turn to one of his many other pals. Why should it be your duty to provide for him in this particular way ?
Do see a counsellor / therapist for your own sake, to work on freeing you from the probably efects of the rapes, so you can enjoy yourself as you wish in life from here on. For YOUR sake, not for the sake of this particular companion.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: Lolo | 2011/02/21

I bet the OLD man is loaded(sp) neh??

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: Purple | 2011/02/21

Sex is part of a normal healthy relationship, so if you don''t find him sexually attractive, why are you in the relationship. You can get the companionship from friends, and if he is having sex with others as per your suggestion, then you are just his friend for companionship.

How horrific to have been raped 3 times. Have you been to see a psychologist to help you come to terms with the effect this seems to be having on your relationships (or lack thereof)?
If you are afraid of having sex because of what you have been through, you do need help. Sex should be fun and joyful and feel good - don''t let other people have ruined this for you, you have every right to enjoy it as much as the rest of the world does.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Woman | 2011/02/21

Debbie, you need a few sessions with a good psychiatrist who specialises in trauma. This is not needed for your boyfriend, but for yourself. You need to heal, because your past has an obvious influence in your life.

Please realise that the longer you don''t deal with the issues that are influencing your life to this degree, the longer the rapist, the abuser is in charge of your life! And YOU are the person who gives them that power. You are allowing what they did to you to influence your enjoyment of your life. You say you''re depriving your boyfriend of a fulfilling relationship. What about you? don''t you want to be fulfilled too?

You only have one life. Yes, horrible things happened to you, but that is in the past, and you need to take charge of your life now, your hopes, your dreams. You need to love the whole of you! In other words, become not a survivor of rape, become a victor despite rape!

Please, make that call today.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/21

Gosh, this really doesn't sound like a promising relationship. A guy who sounds primarily sexual and with very many women in his life, and a woman who has had most unfortunate sexual experiences, and is much younger.
But why should you feel guilty about not being as interested in sex as you ? That's much less logical than for him to feel guilty for not being sensitive enough to understand your situation and be much less demanding of you.
Sex is a normal part of most people's lives, but it's important to recognize it as a want rather than a Need. If he wanted a sexual relationship, surely he could turn to one of his many other pals. Why should it be your duty to provide for him in this particular way ?
Do see a counsellor / therapist for your own sake, to work on freeing you from the probably efects of the rapes, so you can enjoy yourself as you wish in life from here on. For YOUR sake, not for the sake of this particular companion.

Reply to cybershrink

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