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Question
Posted by: Inshok | 2011/07/10

Sexual deviancy, contnued

Cybershrink, please see my further comments on my previous post. Thank you.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry, its not really practical for me to do so. If you have further comments or a further question, please rather post this as a fresh posting

The other comments posted within the thread following this message of yours are interesting. The man sounds like a louse, and one wonders about the gullibility of people who would hire such a person as a "life coach".

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Our users say:
Posted by: anna | 2011/07/11

At first look, my opinion is that you should tell him the one piec eof information that affects him directly - that your brother may have been the instigator in the incident between you sister-in-law and son.

All the other information regarding your brother is very second and third hand with no-one to corroborate (except him), and if it isn''t completely true, you will have done several family members terrible harm. A very important question here is whether you sister-in-law is a reliable info source. Her behaviour has also been odd. I would go very slowly and be careful not to repeat untruths.

Reply to anna
Posted by: Maria | 2011/07/11

(Copy and past on behalf of Inshok)

Thank you for your comments. Sorry, I didn't give all details, it's all rather complicated!

To answer your questions: My son is now 33. I found out recently when my sister in law confessed to me whilst telling me that she and my brother are soon to divorce (after 30 yrs marriage).

Part of her confession seems to be also an attempt to turn me against my brother because she also revealed several incidents of inappropriate sexual behaviour on his part, over many years, most of which she was made aware of at each time but which she chose to disbelieve.

The 'victims' range from a young relative (female) to adult women (colleagues/maseuses/clients etc) who made complaints against him. I do not have all the details but I suspect he lost at least 1 job as a result. He seems to prey on vulnerable people.

At one stage in his career he and his wife ran 'life coaching' workshops - talk about the blind leading the blind, not to mention all those vulnerable people at their disposal.

I have always felt uncomfortable around him (too many sexual jokes, double entendres, etc.) but I just told myself I was being too harsh - he comes across as very charming, suave, amusing, etc etc.

A lot of what I am learning now makes many things from over the years make sense.

As if this isn't enough, he has also confessed to his wife that he and our mother had a sexual relationship.

She is no longer around to dispute or confirm this but that, too, fits in with behaviour and perceptions from my youth (I am the eldest by 5 yrs). I have not shared any of this sordid horror my sister (that's going to be another issue altogether, I don't even know if it's necessary) but she would concur with my ''it all makes sense now'' sentiment.

(We 2 girls were always unfavourably compared to mommy's boy - classic syndrome, we just didn't dream of the extent of it).

Things are not helped by the fact that I am in SA, brother and his family are in another continent, and my son is on yet a 3rd continent, although I will see him in a few months.

To sum up, I believe my brother really is a danger to society but that his wife has enabled his behaviour over the years. She has a strange relationship with her son (22) - can't give specific, it's just a feeling, and she has told him too much.

So, my way forward is on various levels - dealing with my son, possibly forcing my brother and wife to seek help, protecting their young daughter, possibly alerting their authorities in the event of future official complaints, etc.<br><br>I don''''t think my son would want the legal route at all, and I am fine with that but I just want any emotional aspect to be dealt with - I have always felt there was something bugging him, now I know what it is. I just hope this is all there is to it.<br><br>(I am certain that my sisterin law does not know everything my brother has been up to - I am glad they are so far away).<br><br>As you can imagine, I am dazed at all this ... I long ago learnt to forgive my mother for her verbal abuse and the damage it caused me, and, like all people with this sort of ''''thing'''' in their lives, I never dreamt we were such a damaged sordid family.<br><br>I look forward to your further comments and advice.<br>

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/07/11

Sorry, its not really practical for me to do so. If you have further comments or a further question, please rather post this as a fresh posting

The other comments posted within the thread following this message of yours are interesting. The man sounds like a louse, and one wonders about the gullibility of people who would hire such a person as a "life coach".

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Patricia | 2011/07/10

Inshock, are you male or female?

My reply to your other post was based on the assumption that you are a woman as well as on my own feelings caused by a personal situation that was much milder that I discussed with my father.

Had it been my mother discussing it with me, I''d have been totally okay with it. But the fact that it was my father introducing the topic, I found it was a bit perverted on his part to not ask my mother to do it instead.

There''s no garantee other people react the same way when their parent of the opposite sex talk about sexual situations with them, I may be more sensitive than the average, but I think it''s worth it to think about this. Assuming you''re a woman, of course. If you''re the father, I''m positive it would be okay to tell your son.

But if you are the mother, telling him about your brother''s other misconduct (not involving your son) would suffice for your son to understand what kind of an uncle he has and to stop feeling guilty that he betrayed him. Also, the fact that your brother and your mother had a sexual relationship makes your brother a victim himself.

I don''t know. I just think bringing up all these events again and opening up wounds is harmful. No one likes to hear about the drama happening in a family. I left my country too so I could distance myself from my family. See what my father gained from discussing things with me? And did the discussions make me feel any better at the time? No. (In your son''s situation, it''s very important that he knows his uncle is not an " angel" , but saying all the particular''s to your son''s situation seems scary to me.)

Again I may be too sensitive, but I feel very strongly about parents'' eagerness to discuss very intimate and sensitive sexual matters with children of the opposite sex in the belief that that is beneficial for the children, unless they don''t have a parent of the same sex to do it instead, of course. (I''m not saying parents shouldn''t discuss sexual matters with their children, just saying it should be mothers with their daughters and fathers with their sons, or both parents at the same time with their child whichever the sex.)

Most of all, it saddens me that parents, oncles, ants, and other relatives still abuse children these days. Children should be free to grow up happily, with their dignity intact, and they should feel free to discuss just anything with their parents, including their most intimate doubts, whenever and if THEY want to.

But maybe you''re a father and I''m ranting here without it even being necessary.

In any case, I''m sorry if my advice seems exaggerated to the average person.

Reply to Patricia

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