Posted by: concerned | 2009-02-02

Sexual compatibilty

Hi Doc<br><br>I really need help. I am in a relationship with a wonderful girl and it has been two years now but we have a sexual compatibilty problem and despite all my efforts it is simply not getting any better. Other than this problem our relationship is rock solid. We love and respect each other and truly enjoy each other' s friendship and companionship. We have excellent communication and yet still can' t resolve this issue.<br><br>The problem is that I have a high sex drive and she has a non existant one. I am 30 and she is 29. I don' t expect any kinky stuff or anything out of the " ordinary"  I simply ask for passion, spontaneity and fun in our sex life. I desire her often and am a very passionate and fun person and I am uninhibited. She on the other hand simply can' t find a sex drive. She is reserved and this comes from a reserved family and there are quite a few " alternative"  relationships in her family, like her mom becoming a lesbian to name one. Her first sexual partner from what I have gathered had the same issues with her that I have now and that relationship lasted years but ultimately lead to him cheating on her several times and making her feel like it was her fault because she never wanted sex. I gather that she actually does feel like it is her fault, and she admits that she has issues and it' s not good for us but she simply won' t do anythign about it. She says that perhaps we will never be compatible and she ends it there. She tries but it never lasts longs as she is always tired, always has an excuse and can honestly go for weeks without any sex despite the fact that she knows it drives me insane. It' s the only real issue we have. I have suggested seeing a sexologist but she seems very wary of this and says that it ultimately wil involve her changing and becoming somethign she isn' t so she doesn' t see it as a solution. I' m at my witt' s end. What must I do? I am willing to do couples councelling, see a sexologist, do reading, anything. I just don' t feel she is as committed and perhaps my answer lies there. I however, believe that she loves me very much but that ultimately this is something that is so scary for her that she simply can' t face it. What do you suggest doc?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Dear Concerned,

I need to compliment you on your sensitivity and commitment to attempting to understand the dynamics of your relationship. You have demonstrated remarkable appreciation and thought into the various aspects of what may be impacting your sexual relationship.

I have decided not to even attempt addressing the number of aspects potentially contributing to the status of your sexual relationship, since there are quite a number and limited space here. You asked what I suggest and I suggest what you have already in essence realised and alluded too. You and your partner need to seriously consider seeing a couples/psychosexual therapist. You have described issues that could be internal issues for your partner as well as issues that are of a relational nature between yourself and your partner.

Please seriously pursue the option of seeing a professional.

I hope you both give this a try and that it may assist you both to address the obstacles influencing your sexual relationship.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Tango | 2009-02-02

I felt sad when I read your post. You love her and would love a satisfying sexual relationship - and she seems to have some - unknown - reasons that hold her back. Try and encourage her to see a Sex Therapist. Explain that they will not go all out to " change her"  - but to merely explore, slowly at her pace - her attitudes etc to sexual activity. No one will ever force her to do what she cannot bring herself to do.

Reply to Tango

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