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Question
Posted by: Me | 2011/07/13

Sexologist's opinion

Startting with the question: Sexologist, what would you say? Is this the norm or is there a reason some women does this?<br><br>I have been reading this forum for a long time and what strikes me is the factthat many women seem to "  turn their men down"  , "  not give their men sex"  etc etc.<br>I was wondering if that is the norm in marraiges?<br>I have beenmarried for 20+ years and have not turned my husband down once. Even if I did have a headache or did not feel like it.<br>I would like to hear of other married women in this regard.<br>Sexologist, what would you say? Is this the norm or is there a reason some women does this?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Hello, apologies for this oversight and the delay in your reply....

Let's set the record straight, both men and women 'turn down' their partners, or avoid sex. I do believe that it is currently more the case for women though...This is probably due to a number of reasons.

1. Like many men, many women are sexual only when they have sexual desire/libido. The difference is than the male libido (related to testosterone levels which do not fluctuate much) is usually much more consistant and robust than is the case for women. Libido tends to fluctuate naturally in a woman's life (over the course of the menstrual cycle, with pregnancy) and quite commonly lessens a few years into a committed relationship. As a result, these women are left having to 'drive' their sexual response - this is like driving on a cold engine - it takes a lot more work to run smoothly and it can stall more easily!
2. The female sexual response does not appear to be as robust as many men's. Women may loose interest in sex when they are stressed, due to tiredness from work or looking after the household, etc.
3. Some people develop sexual problems or have a fear of sex for some reason - could be abuse in childhood, could be pain caused by a physical problem, could be anxiety about sexual inadequacy - in such circumstances people (men and women) frequently 'turn their partner down'.
4. Of course some women do refuse sex as part of the dynamic in a relationship - if angry or hurt for example.

Ultimately, it sounds for one of your comments that you are still enjoying frequent sex with your husband and that is wonderful - I have no doubt that there are many women (and men) who are envious of your position. Unfortunately this is not true for many women (and men) and this may be very distressing...

Claire - SASHA

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Faye | 2011/07/15

I agree with you Sexologist. When I was in the peak of my career, for approximately 20 years, and raising three children, studying part time (as my husband was in the SAPS and earned a measly salary) it was up to me to earn more money to make a comfortable lifestyle for the family. During this time, I worked long hours, lots of ovdertime, attended college some evenings, lectures, meetings et c and when I got home, did homework and tried to spend quality time with kids. By the time I went to bed I was emotionally and physically EXHAUSTED and had absolutely no libido or apetite for sex. Now that have a consultation business, I work my own hours (mucn less than the normal 8am-5pm) and still mother my kids and study, but at have an increased libido and am far more interested in sex than I used to be in my twenties and early thirties. So yes, a person''s circumstances greatly affect your pshyche and body, therefore your emotions respond accordingly.

Reply to Faye
Posted by: Sexologist | 2011/07/13

Hello, apologies for this oversight and the delay in your reply....

Let's set the record straight, both men and women 'turn down' their partners, or avoid sex. I do believe that it is currently more the case for women though...This is probably due to a number of reasons.

1. Like many men, many women are sexual only when they have sexual desire/libido. The difference is than the male libido (related to testosterone levels which do not fluctuate much) is usually much more consistant and robust than is the case for women. Libido tends to fluctuate naturally in a woman's life (over the course of the menstrual cycle, with pregnancy) and quite commonly lessens a few years into a committed relationship. As a result, these women are left having to 'drive' their sexual response - this is like driving on a cold engine - it takes a lot more work to run smoothly and it can stall more easily!
2. The female sexual response does not appear to be as robust as many men's. Women may loose interest in sex when they are stressed, due to tiredness from work or looking after the household, etc.
3. Some people develop sexual problems or have a fear of sex for some reason - could be abuse in childhood, could be pain caused by a physical problem, could be anxiety about sexual inadequacy - in such circumstances people (men and women) frequently 'turn their partner down'.
4. Of course some women do refuse sex as part of the dynamic in a relationship - if angry or hurt for example.

Ultimately, it sounds for one of your comments that you are still enjoying frequent sex with your husband and that is wonderful - I have no doubt that there are many women (and men) who are envious of your position. Unfortunately this is not true for many women (and men) and this may be very distressing...

Claire - SASHA

Reply to Sexologist

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