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Question
Posted by: Marlene | 2010-06-21

Sexless marraige

Dear Cyber Shrink
We have been married for 16 years, and there is no or poor sex in our marraige. My husband just not require sex, and I have a very high need for sex. I have tried all normal means of getting my husband medically checked and interested in sex, to no avail.
There is nothing wrong with him - it is just not important to him.
In the past I have tried to show him what I require, take the lead, please him, etc, but in the end it always feels like I am raping him, as he extremely unhappy during the process and his sad face makes me feel like a molester. Occasionally, when I just left the subject, he will then, in the middle of the night, when it is dark and we''re half asleep, have sex with me for about 5 to 10 seconds and then its also over.
I am still young - in my thirties, size 6 with big boobs and long blond hair, I just cannot understand why he would not find me irresistable..
I have now, after years NO sexual desire for him any more. I feel any hope of a sex life with him is gone. BUT I do still yearn after a proper sex life. I feel I am still young, and to life the next 40 years like this would be sad to never experience a good sex life.
I once had a boyfriend who was so good in bed, and I know that things can be so different than this 5 seconds every four months or the " raping"  of my husband.
But the rest of the marraige is OK, he accepts all my decisions, gives me freedom to persue all my interests and never rejects me for making unorthodox religious decisions where other men would propable run. On the other hand, we do not chat about life in general, only about superficial things like what is on TV or for dinner. He is also a very serious man and there is little joy in the house.
I am safe with him, I am cared for and I have the freedom to persue my interests all day. But I need companionship - I need a soul mate and a sex partner - somebody who strokes me while we watch TV without me forcing him...
I just don''t know if one should break up a marraige because of sex.
There is so much to loose, and there is no guarantee that I will find somebody " better" .. But I can''t stop thinking that there should be more to life and I am missing out somehow........

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Indeed, normal people do differ quite widely not only in what aspects of sex happen to appeal to them, buit in how interested they are in it. Its one of the issues obviously worthwhile for couples to explore and understand before committing to a long-term relationship.
And from your description, your husband sounds less than uninterested, and more like actively disliking it.
When you refer to his ocasional attempts as lasting 5 or 10 seconds, I wonder whether perhaps he has premature ejaculation or Erectile Dysfunction, or some such problem, which makes him feel a failure and to generally no wish to expose himself to failure when attempting sex ? If something like this is the case, then your atempts to be sexually provocaive could worsen the situartion, alarming him still more, and making him feel still less competent
It even sounds as though he may generally have problems related to letting go, being disinhibited, even to enjoying himself at all.
Surely marriage counselling should have been tried, and perhaps he could be persuaded to seek individual counselling for what sounds like a more general and broad problem relating to his ability to enjoy life overall ? There sound like problems in intimacy and affection and in expesing these, too, and not only in terms of physical sex
As Maria emphasizes, it sounds as though there are problems in more areas of your marriage than only the sex.

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7
Our users say:
Posted by: Lana | 2010-06-22

I went through the same thing with an ex bf for 6 years. 4 of those we had no sex. I can say for sure that no amount of talking, naughty sms etc will help. These men are not interested in sex finish and klaar. I believe they are either gay or a-sexual (no need for sex). I think its quite selfish and leaving him was the best thing because I am now in a wonderful relationship and expecting a baby (something that would have been a no go with the ex for obvious reasons). I just hope you realise he will never change so either be unhappy with him or happy without him.

Reply to Lana
Posted by: Maria | 2010-06-21

I also suggest that you get hold of a book called " The Five Love Languages"  by Gary Chapman. Get your husband to read it too, or at least fill in the questionnaire. Perhaps he also has needs that you are not fulfilling, and he doesn''t know how to communicate that.

If you do decide to separate, make sure that you really understand where things went wrong so that you don''t make the same mistakes again.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Maria | 2010-06-21

Although you focus on the sex, that is clearly not the only thing that is wrong with your marriage. Lack of companionship and (non-sexual) intimacy is as damaging. In fact you don''t seem to have a marriage as much as a live-together arrangement? Do you have kids? Maybe see if he would be willing to go for marriage counselling so that you''ve done all you could... If that doesn''t work, call it quits?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Anon for this | 2010-06-21

This appears to be such a common problem-with either partner.I can only suggest that one tries naughty sms''s /emails/clothing/week end away etc etc.
I have always had sex at least 6 times a week with my previous partners and now that I am re-married have " found"  a woman that hardly ever wants it and then it is a chore.
I have bought lubes/vibrator/toys and the like but to no avail.
I also have to admit that if someone else came along it would be very hard to turn down-even though I truly do love my wife.
I don''t expect it more than 2-3 times a week but whew,this is really terrible.

Reply to Anon for this
Posted by: Anon | 2010-06-21

i believe that sex in a marriage is crucial, I had a basically sexless mariage once ( im divorced and remarried) and it was dreadful, I never felt connected to my ex at all, sex is a bonding mechanism, all my molehills became mountains, we subsequently divorced and I believe sex or lack of it was part of the equation.

Im now remarried with a very healthy sex life and I feel so connected to my wife at all levels.

Im sorry you are experiencing this, its something that you need and desire and if your partner is not willing, it will lead you to cheat and eventually to divorce.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Venus | 2010-06-21

Hi there. How long have you been married and how old you are? anyway I feel for you. Its tough and dangerous too. I have been married for 5 years and also 30 and my hubby is the same. He allows me my freedom but the sex. I almost got involved with someone but luckily HE walked away. I would also like answers cause I am fed up with toys...Its not nice when you cannot uderstand why your husband cant be intimate. Its really something serious, I think. If it was a man lacking then he would justify his right to an affair but these days there are many women out there that has this problem, and I dont even have the answers. Taking the lead to horny sms''s during the day but to no avail... Good luck to you I hope you can find pleasure :-)

Reply to Venus
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-06-21

Indeed, normal people do differ quite widely not only in what aspects of sex happen to appeal to them, buit in how interested they are in it. Its one of the issues obviously worthwhile for couples to explore and understand before committing to a long-term relationship.
And from your description, your husband sounds less than uninterested, and more like actively disliking it.
When you refer to his ocasional attempts as lasting 5 or 10 seconds, I wonder whether perhaps he has premature ejaculation or Erectile Dysfunction, or some such problem, which makes him feel a failure and to generally no wish to expose himself to failure when attempting sex ? If something like this is the case, then your atempts to be sexually provocaive could worsen the situartion, alarming him still more, and making him feel still less competent
It even sounds as though he may generally have problems related to letting go, being disinhibited, even to enjoying himself at all.
Surely marriage counselling should have been tried, and perhaps he could be persuaded to seek individual counselling for what sounds like a more general and broad problem relating to his ability to enjoy life overall ? There sound like problems in intimacy and affection and in expesing these, too, and not only in terms of physical sex
As Maria emphasizes, it sounds as though there are problems in more areas of your marriage than only the sex.

Reply to cybershrink

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