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Question
Posted by: suzanna | 2010/06/08

sex with my ex

I am in a state.
I dated a man for a few years, but it was long distance and it wasn''t public knowledge, and it ended when he met a woman close to home and moved in with her. we have always been very good friends ( although he has never allowed me to be friends or even meet his new woman) and then some time ago we started sleeping together every time he came to my hometown.
i feel so comfortable with him, we have a great sex life, and laugh all the time except when he leaves and i feel great remorse, and yet i know, as much as i like to deny it, that this man is cheating on his girlfriend and i am playing along with it.
he has no intention of leaving her, he says he loves her but that he loves me too. he is coming here this weekend and expefcs to sleep with me.
i am so confused. my low self esteem means that i woudl welcome him with open arms but i know that that woudl just tear me aprat even more. added to that a friend, who may turn out to be a boyfriend, is going to be here this weekend as well and yet i want to rather see my ex. what is wrong with me?
i was hurt very badly many years ago and have never seemed to love anyone who would stick around since then.
i am so scared. it feels that sexually i cant say no, and my heart loves this cheating ex, and yet i know just how ridiculous i am being and that he wont ever love me like i want him to...confused. please help
how do i love myself enough again

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, if you're having a sexual affair with him, despite his steady woman friend where he lives, it's hardly surprising that he doesn't want her to know you exist.
He's cheating on her with you, and indeed, he is cheating on you with her, except that you seem to be quite happy about the latter situation.
He actually doesn't genuinely "love" either of you, if he can do this - but how very convenient it all is, for him !
You're right to recognize your low self-esteem, qwhich would be well worth working on with a good local counsellor. this sitation doesn't respect you or the other woman.
Stop telling yourself that "sexually I just can't say no" - the truth is that you DON'T say no, at least not so far, but you COULD and can.

Be careful how easy it is to create situations which seem to confirm your theories - i you convince yourself that no man will stay in a relationship with you, its too easy to only relate to guys who won't stay,

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

6
Our users say:
Posted by: ANON | 2010/06/10

but Sis
you must remember what she allows is for her own heartache.
what HE allows is for both girls'' heartache and that is cheap. it doesnt say much about the cheating boyfriend either(selling low and what he deserves).

Reply to ANON
Posted by: Sis | 2010/06/09

Lady, I am in a same situation with my man, i have learned that he was sleeping with his ex, and I called the whole thing off, and he promised to stop. Now I am not really sure what is happening but so far, my man is good in bed and a he is tiger, no wonder that woman always gives it to him (Co-incidence - he name is Suzie). His is the best in bed. and I will fight tooth and nail, in case he goes to a cheap girl like you. The fact is he is using and it’ s up to you if you give him, he belongs to that woman. And I guess he will never spend anything on you but on his woman since you are so cheap. So sell yourself low you deserve it.

Reply to Sis
Posted by: anon | 2010/06/09

hi suzanna

it''s hard to see it how readers of your post read it...
but perhaps consider: he doesnt love you, but he loves the ''situation'' you allow him.
all the best.

Reply to anon
Posted by: jaybird | 2010/06/08

No baby girl. It''s So HARD but you HAVE to STOP having sex with him. I know, a guy can sometimes be very addictive, especially if he is bad for you (go figure?!?!) but he is bad for you.
He is bad for you.
He is bad for you.
He is bad for you.
Same situation here, and I have made a very difficult decision to not sleep with my ex either.
Cut ALL contact, even as a friend, else the temptation will ALWAYS be there. Only you can stop him using you.
He is using you.
Focus on other things, dam, it''s not easy at all. I heard somewhere that it takes about 2 weeks of not seeing someone to start to be able to get over them.
Just at the very least try to cut contact (and sex) for 2 weeks. It''s your jump start to a new life.
How will you find your real love if the old one is still there? He''s a negative distraction. Open your eyes and see it.
And you might have to go through a few ''boyfriends'' to find the right one BUT the longer you hold onto the useless / hurtful ones, the farther away you are from finding the treasure you know you actually deserve.
Leave him. Cos you''re worth it!

Reply to jaybird
Posted by: XXX | 2010/06/08

This guy is using you,no wonder you have low self esteem.Someone is going to end up being hurt,so I would suggest you drop him and look for someone else

Reply to XXX
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/06/08

Well, if you're having a sexual affair with him, despite his steady woman friend where he lives, it's hardly surprising that he doesn't want her to know you exist.
He's cheating on her with you, and indeed, he is cheating on you with her, except that you seem to be quite happy about the latter situation.
He actually doesn't genuinely "love" either of you, if he can do this - but how very convenient it all is, for him !
You're right to recognize your low self-esteem, qwhich would be well worth working on with a good local counsellor. this sitation doesn't respect you or the other woman.
Stop telling yourself that "sexually I just can't say no" - the truth is that you DON'T say no, at least not so far, but you COULD and can.

Be careful how easy it is to create situations which seem to confirm your theories - i you convince yourself that no man will stay in a relationship with you, its too easy to only relate to guys who won't stay,

Reply to cybershrink

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