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Question
Posted by: Mari | 2009/11/10

Sex / Porn - What is normal?

My husband recently admitted on having sextual affairs with other women. During our discussion on why he did it, he said that our sextual relationship is not adventureous enough. According to him his three best sextual experiences were with other women. they are:
1. Making a sex video with another woman while his friend is filming it
2. Fucing a woman in the-|-in the parking lot while bystanders are watching
3. and watchig a girl while having sex with his friend in his office.

Then having a porn collection of videos and tapes that can fit into an apple box

Is this normal?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

"NOrmal" is not actually a useful word, but such things happen. To cheat on one's wife happens quite a lot, and is a bad thing to do ; and to cheat and then try to blame it on her, is especially grubby.
Now, the examples you quote are all of a particular type - involving Voyeurism and Exhibitionism, as apparently he gets an extra kick out of watching and being watched during sex, and perhaps from the risks of discovery and other consequences of being discovered. Having sex of any sort in one's office, for instance, obviously increases the risk of being found, and by someone who would not approave, and losing one's job or at least being disgraced.
But everything he describes is unfaithful and unfair to you. If he wanted more adventurious sex with you than you were having, he had a duty to kindly discuss this with you and explore what YOU might enjoy ( rather than selfishly concentrating solely on what HE wanted ) and exploring ways to enhance your sex life together in ways that could please both of you. Not having done so, he has no excuse for adventures on the side. And he would need to note that where his tastes ran to more unusual and risky activities, such as Exhibitionism, he would need to respect you if this was NOT something you enjoyed or wished to take part in, and that this would also be no excuse for then doing it with others.
You will need to decide what you want from here on. Firstly, accept absolutely no blame or guilt from him. This was entirely of his chosing, and there were more acceptable alternatives. Then , if you want the marriage to continue, make it clear to him that he needs to join you in marriage counselling. This needs to be resulved between you with appropriate expert help.
And feel under no obligation whatever to take part in any sexual activities you personally find distasteful just because they might be more enjoyable for him.

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Livvy | 2009/11/10

My concern is that my husband is drinking 2-3 glasses of wine/beer every night and then before he goes to bed he will have a whiskey or port. On numerous occasions he will immediately pour himself somehting to drink when he gets home after work. I' m worried because his dad was an alcoholic. When I confront him about the drinking, he will tell me that he is tired and not in the mood to discuss it. Or he will tell me he knows that he is drinking too much and promise that he will drink less. It will go well for a few days, and then back to normal. Is this the first signs of an addiction or am I being a drama queen?

Reply to Livvy
Posted by: Sam | 2009/11/10

You sat there, and let him tell you WHY he did this, and not only that, you let him tell you WHAT he did? The man clearly has a problem, and it seems to be his tools. Chop ' em off and leave the jerk. No woman needs to put up with THAT!

Reply to Sam
Posted by: Woman | 2009/11/10

I don' t understand what your question is, but I will give my two cents. Your husband is trying to shift blame for his actions by blaming you for not being adventurous enough. Is not taking responsibility for his actions something that he does often?

There is adventure, and then there is fantasy, and this clearly sounds like fantasy. You do NOT have to feel guilty that you find these fantasies of his unsavory. Remember you marriage vows? Did they include your being sexually given to his friends? No they did not.

If you feel comfortable in your marriage and both of you want to experiment with above by all means, but it seems like he wants to force you (by means of emotional blackmail) to do things that you are not comfortable with. And your marriage not strong at all, it is either in serious trouble or over.

The cornerstone of any relationship is honesty and he was dishonest by having affairs. He might even have a porn addiction. I suggest that the two of you urgently go see a marriage counsellor with specialty in sexual deviancy. If you don' t want to go that route, go see a good divorce lawyer.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Kelly | 2009/11/10

In his dreams yes! Tell him to grow up and get a life he is a pathetic excuse for a man!

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: cybershrink | 2009/11/10

"NOrmal" is not actually a useful word, but such things happen. To cheat on one's wife happens quite a lot, and is a bad thing to do ; and to cheat and then try to blame it on her, is especially grubby.
Now, the examples you quote are all of a particular type - involving Voyeurism and Exhibitionism, as apparently he gets an extra kick out of watching and being watched during sex, and perhaps from the risks of discovery and other consequences of being discovered. Having sex of any sort in one's office, for instance, obviously increases the risk of being found, and by someone who would not approave, and losing one's job or at least being disgraced.
But everything he describes is unfaithful and unfair to you. If he wanted more adventurious sex with you than you were having, he had a duty to kindly discuss this with you and explore what YOU might enjoy ( rather than selfishly concentrating solely on what HE wanted ) and exploring ways to enhance your sex life together in ways that could please both of you. Not having done so, he has no excuse for adventures on the side. And he would need to note that where his tastes ran to more unusual and risky activities, such as Exhibitionism, he would need to respect you if this was NOT something you enjoyed or wished to take part in, and that this would also be no excuse for then doing it with others.
You will need to decide what you want from here on. Firstly, accept absolutely no blame or guilt from him. This was entirely of his chosing, and there were more acceptable alternatives. Then , if you want the marriage to continue, make it clear to him that he needs to join you in marriage counselling. This needs to be resulved between you with appropriate expert help.
And feel under no obligation whatever to take part in any sexual activities you personally find distasteful just because they might be more enjoyable for him.

Reply to cybershrink

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