Our expert says:
First and foremost is it important to check with yourself that your reasons for your fear and nerves are only about pain, rather than in fact not being ready. If you fear is about more than pain, I would encourage you to think very carefully about why you are wanting to have sex - are you ready? are you considering it due to some pressure or fear (e.g. losing him)?
Sometimes people are ready, but still fear pain of first time penetrative sex. The response here will refer to vaginal penetration and the response to the next question will refer to anal penetration.
Not everyone experiences first-time vaginal penetration as painful, however, there is no smoke without fire and so clearly some do. Some reasons for this may be as follows:
1. A fear of pain may cause people to tense up - the whole body but in particular the pelvic floor muscles which surround the urethra, the vagina and the anus. This may be due to the expectation that it will be sore (due to 'folklore' handed down!), or due to the perceived difference in size between the vagina and the erect penis. Given that the vagina is meant to allow the passage of a baby during childbirth, it CAN accomodate the size of any erect penis...you do, however, need to help this process by relaxing and ensuring lubrication. This brings me to my 2nd point...
2. Given the nerves it is likely you won't be focusing on the pleasurable sensations and your feelings for your boyfriend, and this may have a negative impact on your arousal. During arousal women become lubricated (wet) and this helps the penis to slip into the vagina, rather than sticking and causing discomfort, which can then cause tensing up. A practical solution to this is to take time to relax and to enjoy sensual/sexual activities other than penetration as this will encourage arousal and natural lubrication. It may be necessarily to add lubricant - either bought from a shop or pharmacy, or even spit.
MAKE SURE YOU ARE USING CONTRACEPTION - fear of falling pregnant may also result in tensing or difficulty becoming aroused.
3. First time penetration is likely to feel unusual and may take some getting used to - make sure your boyfriend will take the time you need to get used to the feeling and won't move faster than you are ready for.
4. Less commonly pain can be due to a physical problem, so if you experience this it may be worth having a health professional do a physical examination...
As it is your first time don't expect a wonderously pleasurable experience (if it is, it's a bonus). Give yourself to learn about this part of your body and what you like/don't like. Talking to your boyfriend about what you like/don't like will be an important part of this learning.
The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal
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