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Posted by: Di | 2012-04-03

Sex and past

My husband confessed to me about giving a guy a bj, his best friend about 10 years ago, while we were married, he confessed about 4 years ago, said how sorry he was, and that he couldnt live with any secrets from me. He is a great man, that loves me so much, I love him, and we are best friends, but since his confession, I forgave him, but my libido has gone, I cant bring myself to touch him at all, and when we do have sex its normally just a quicky to give him release, I normally will have 1 or 2 orgasms, but generally dont want sex, he however always wants sex, and just last night he walked out over a massive argument, because of the way I refused him again, when he comes to cuddle, I know he wants sex, and I just get irritated, and he normally just rolls over and goes to sleep, but last night he freaked out, and I told him, its his fault, because when I think of sex, I think of him sucking his friends dick, how can I drop his libido, I love him and he is so good to me, I just dont need sex in our relationship, and he cant understand that, but I wont even kiss a mouth thats been full with another mans semen, and will give a quicky at lease twice per month, but he just wants more and more, he cant look at me without getting horny, I am even thinking of banning him from the bathroom when I am naked, I cant turn this man off, and it is affecting our relationship now, but he made his bed, but doesnt want to lie in it, he should have thought about all these things before he put a dick in his mouth, how can I get him to understand that sex is not the b all and end all, we have a great marriage, if we could just skip the sex, it would be perfect, there would never be an argument. I dont know what to do.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

please consult a therapist. you have a number of concerns that can only be remedied through a professional. the therapy will give you a safe space to address your husband's sexual past while also providing steps forward.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sue | 2012-04-21

My husband cheat on me with a black prositute. (Nothing against black, he is the one that claim to be a racist). it'' 8 months ago. And still I cannot forgive him. It,s haunting me and I feel that I can go grazy. So yes I know how you feel. I will never divorce. I am nearly 50 and will not suffer financialy. Why must I be punished for his sin? No he will be the one who must live for ever with me. And he will be reminded of his sin for as long as we live.

Reply to Sue
Posted by: sexologist | 2012-04-04

please consult a therapist. you have a number of concerns that can only be remedied through a professional. the therapy will give you a safe space to address your husband's sexual past while also providing steps forward.

Reply to sexologist
Posted by: anon | 2012-04-03

I know exactly how you feel, I had the very same experience, only I caught my husband with a mouthful, so to speak, after a party at our house one night, when he thought I was asleep, he didnt confess, there is a huge difference here. I then insisted to see him do it. This did embarass him terribly, as it was his 1st time, and I arranged the same guy to come back the next week, and would not sleep with my husband until he did this for me, he was so shy, but it all worked out well for us, because we addressed it, and I told him, no secrets, no sneeking around, if you have a desire, we must share it, and it was well worth the open minded approach, I even enjoyed it.

Reply to anon
Posted by: BJ | 2012-04-03

Di you have a problem. A marriedge without sex is afriendship. If that is what you whant, get out of your marriedge, i think you just stay in your marriedge for the wrong reasons mybe money. Without sex your marriedge is with one on the ledge and the other on a banana.

Reply to BJ
Posted by: Sympathiser | 2012-04-03

Hi Di. I understand what everyone else says but we are all wired differently and I am wired in the same way as you. There is just something in our make up where we just cannot get over something like this, no matter. I''m not saying that we are correct but we just see thngs differently to those who recommend reconciliation. You are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea and I would not know which way to go. But different, we are.

Reply to Sympathiser
Posted by: ???? | 2012-04-03

Yes, he experimented sexually. But the big issue here is not that he cheated, it''s that he cheated with a dude. And you obviously take your vows seriously, so this was a double whammy for you. I have to tell you this though - many people experience with homosexuality. It''s a normal thing. You will be surprised how many people experiment. The stupid mistake he made was not to experiment, it was to experiment while he is married to you! He should have been done with sowing his wild oats before he made his wedding vows. But really you cannot deny him sex, men need sex like they need food. And you know what? Eventually he will cheat , and then he will be the bad guy again, but how much will you have pushed him? And didn''t your vows include the cherishing of your sexual life? SO how true are you to your vows really? Be honest now, because you''ve been casting stones for years now.

My original advise stands - pleas get professional help for you as a person and for you two together. That is the only way you have a chance to be happy, chick, really!

Reply to ????
Posted by: Cindy | 2012-04-03

Di, is this such a big issue to you that you''re willing to lose your hubby over it? Cos that''s exactly what''ll happen. Either you value your marriage and get over it, or don''t get over it and destroy your marriage. Simple as that...your choice.

Reply to Cindy
Posted by: Di | 2012-04-03

I understand what you are all saying, but what if you found out your husband engaged in a homosexual act, lets not forget that, its not like he slept with another woman, he gave his best friend a blow job. he is so far from gay its frightening, so the shock is huge, it means he obviously has gay tendencies, even if it was just a experiment, he said he enjoyed it at the time, but is very sorry he did it, and was ashamed for years, that is why he told me, but lets not forget he did it.

Reply to Di
Posted by: Cindy | 2012-04-03

Di, it does sound like you are punishing your husband for what he did. Yes, it was wrong of him but you have to give him some credit for telling you about it! It could not have been easy for him to tell you, and then you go and rub his nose in it. You cannot possibly have forgiven him if you''re reacting the way you are. You are damaging your marriage - if you want to save it then work through this with your husband. Four years is a long time to be carrying a grudge around - he''s your husband for heaven''s sake! Your not gonna succeed in lowering his libido cos you''re the one with the issue - not him.

One last thing - one of these days your hubby is gonna go and find what you won''t give him some place else....true story! Is that what you want??

Reply to Cindy
Posted by: ???? | 2012-04-03

Yes, I can see - you honour your marriage vows - just like he didn''t and that''s why he has to pay for it forever? Di, you have a lot of anger, a lot of hurt to deal with - he made a stupid mistake 10 years ago, when he was young and stupid. And yes it was stupid, stupid, but WHY must he pay for it like this forever? And you are too troubled to forgive him and go past this. So the absolute best thing you can do, is to go for counseling, not for him, but for you.

And definately couples counseling, and probably a sexologist. Marriage is hard work. If you are committed to making it a lifelong wonder, you have to know when to ask for help. You have been carrying this vision with you for too long, chick!

Reply to ????
Posted by: Di | 2012-04-03

I dont want to cut him loose, he is a great husband, and I never caught him, he told me, because he couldnt live with a secret from me, I honorv that, but cant get the image out of my mind, I want to stay with him, but just dont want sex.

Reply to Di
Posted by: ??? | 2012-04-03

This coming from a chick - why are you still with him if he disgusts you so? Are you ''making him pay'' for hurting you? YOU need to get yourself some help in term,s of counseling and you both need to see a professional person together if you really want this relationship to work. You obviously haven''t forgiven him and you sure as hell haven''t forgotten - you''d think he hasn''t brushed his teeth in ten years! Get over it, or cut him loose! Harsh form me? YES. do you need to hear it? YES!

Reply to ???

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