advertisement
Question
Posted by: anon | 2012/02/06

sex and marriage

Hi, I am in a marriage where sex has become unimportant, my wife offers me quickies for release, but I am not satisfied with this, I loves foreplay, massages, oral etc. she hasnt touched me for over 3 years now, we have still had a lot of sex, but only me touching her. We are now at a stage where its a quicky or nothing, we have spooken, but she says its not important for her, and she would be happy to never have sex again. We had a very good sex life for nearly 2 years, and then she decided toys were wrong and had to go, then she didnt blike to be massaged anymore, and so on. She hates blow jobs now, and still orgasms often when we do have sex, but most times just wants to lie on her back, lately she doesnt even want me to touch her breasts, just put it in and get it over with. I dont think I can live like this, we are both 44 now, and our children are at varsity, so we are alone at home, these are supposed to be our free years in the sex department, is restoration possible, or is this a sign that our marriage is comiung to an end. Our relationship outside the bedroom is very good, and I love her dearly,she is the hottest woman on the planet, and we spend a lot of time together everyday, but sex is not just sex for me, its a time of connection, of been wanted, and of wanting and appreciating each other, but she just offers xme quick release, which I could get through masturbation, also of which she hates and freaks out if she finds me doing it, so I dont, but am very frustrated with a quicky once or twice a month, and after discussing this, she now refuses quickies, because she says I dont apprecite them, and she is not interested, but offered me quickies to be a good wife, but wont anyomre, if thats how I feel. She wont go to a therapist with me, so what should I do.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

This is a common and very frustrating problem in long term relationships. I take it that your wife also feels that the rest of the relationship is good...? It's always worth checking out that the reduction in sexual interest is about loss of libido alone, and not due to other relationship, health or social factors.

If it is simply that she has lost libido - sexual appetite, perhaps you can motivate her to understand your perspective by using an analogy. Sexual appetite is similar to our appetite for food - her lack of sexual hunger and consequent restrictions on the sexual relationship are a little like someone saying 'I'm not hungry, so here, have a sandwich for supper', and now, 'you don't appreciate the sandwiches anymore, so I'm not making you any at all'. Now this is just a way of trying to get her to see a slightly different perspective, of course there are very important differences...but if you were to put this scenario to her and see how she would feel about being in that position, that might be less 'confrontational'. To continue the analogy - I'm not suggesting that she should cook 'full meals' for you whether she is hungry or not (in other words, you can't expect full-on intimate lovemaking all the time), but that it would be nice once in while if she made the effort for you and that sandwiches or even a snack you make yourself would give many more options for some of your needs to be met some of the way.

Following on from the above point, perhaps you could also ask her what she would like more or less of in the relationship (not likely to be sexual - could be a lie-in, could be that you rub her feet, could be you pick her some flowers, whatever) that would make her know that you are also wanting to work to meet her needs more.

Hope that's helpful.
Claire - SASHA

For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

9
Our users say:
Posted by: Chris758 | 2012/02/09

Same Boat and Pieter, I am also going through this sexless marraige. Something happened with my wife about 30months ago.....she just stop haveing sex!! No reason, nothing just that she is not interested in sex anymore.

I am also thinking that she is getting it at work or somewhere else!! I am tired of this and I feel that she has no right to withhold sex from me without a good reason. She does not want to discuss this.

I will never understand them because if you as a man does something like this you are an abusor, bastard etc!!

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: Pieter | 2012/02/07

The problem with married women is that it is not that they don''t want sex anymore, it is that they don''t whant sex with there husbands. I think it is the rush and exitemint that went missing.

Reply to Pieter
Posted by: Same boat | 2012/02/06

A tad older than you guys, but have been on very short rations for many years. My wife has totally withdrawn. Not even a few off colour jokes. It seems as if she has taken vows of chastity or something similar. Very modest and correct at all times. Its not a huge issue for me guess but every now and then its frustrating. I do not wish to raise the subject as it will make me look desperate asnd I am buggered if I am going to subject myself to that. Apart from that we don''t argue and life is good between us.... except for the S E X thing. Who knows whats going on in their heads ?

Reply to Same boat
Posted by: angel | 2012/02/06

i thing that you should speak to her try and find out what the problem is ...but just give her time and larry there is more to sex in a relationship ,stop thinking with your balls

Reply to angel
Posted by: Larry | 2012/02/06

No wonder she doesnt enjoy sex with you anymore...... she realised that she isnt lesbian lol. Dude you are such a girl

Reply to Larry
Posted by: anon | 2012/02/06

just a correction, the 2 was supposed to be 20
Larry, your comment is a bit childish, as she is not a bitch, but my wife, and the mother of our children, so its not a solution. I was hoping for more mature advise, firstly, how to regain excitement, secondly, if this is a sign of love lost, then I know what to do, but I definately dont want someone my daughters age. I like mature woman, not someone with a hot bod, and nothing in common, goodness I even hate the music of the 20 somethings, let alone trying to have a meaningful conversatiuon over dinner, sure sex is very important, but so are the other things

Reply to anon
Posted by: XXX | 2012/02/06

Sounds all to familiar,you are fortunate that she even allows you to have quickies,way too often you get nothing at all.Just read this forum often enough and you will see what a problem this is.
All I can suggest is that you go see a Sexologist and discuss this

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Larry | 2012/02/06

Leave the b!tch, get yourself a young 20something to knock around.

Reply to Larry
Posted by: Sexologist | 2012/02/06

This is a common and very frustrating problem in long term relationships. I take it that your wife also feels that the rest of the relationship is good...? It's always worth checking out that the reduction in sexual interest is about loss of libido alone, and not due to other relationship, health or social factors.

If it is simply that she has lost libido - sexual appetite, perhaps you can motivate her to understand your perspective by using an analogy. Sexual appetite is similar to our appetite for food - her lack of sexual hunger and consequent restrictions on the sexual relationship are a little like someone saying 'I'm not hungry, so here, have a sandwich for supper', and now, 'you don't appreciate the sandwiches anymore, so I'm not making you any at all'. Now this is just a way of trying to get her to see a slightly different perspective, of course there are very important differences...but if you were to put this scenario to her and see how she would feel about being in that position, that might be less 'confrontational'. To continue the analogy - I'm not suggesting that she should cook 'full meals' for you whether she is hungry or not (in other words, you can't expect full-on intimate lovemaking all the time), but that it would be nice once in while if she made the effort for you and that sandwiches or even a snack you make yourself would give many more options for some of your needs to be met some of the way.

Following on from the above point, perhaps you could also ask her what she would like more or less of in the relationship (not likely to be sexual - could be a lie-in, could be that you rub her feet, could be you pick her some flowers, whatever) that would make her know that you are also wanting to work to meet her needs more.

Hope that's helpful.
Claire - SASHA

For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to helpline.sasha@gmail.com

Reply to Sexologist

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement