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Question
Posted by: Susan | 2009/10/16

Sex after marriage

Why is it that a couple living together before marriage always have a great sex life only to loose it after marriage? We lived together for 6 years + the sex was WOW. We couldn' t get enough of each other. Been married 4 mths now + the sex is now almost by the way. We are happily married + love each other to bits but that spark is gone from our sex life. I' m 37 + he is 35. We have heard the same from other couples. Is this the norm? We still have sex but not like it used to be.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

We know that it common that when a woman feels secure in a long term relationship, her body chemistry alters after between 6mnths & 4 years (quite a range!). These changes result in a lowering of libido, which in turn makes the sexual response a little more difficult to drive & less exciting. I'm not sure why your lasted 6 years - maybe there was still an element of uncertainty about the security of the attachment...? Furthermore, marriage can bring with it assumptions that your partner will always been there and so either less effort with each other is made, stressors/distractions increase. Try to identify why you married, and what this might have changed within you (psychologically speaking). If it relates to increased commitment/security, it is likely that your body has just responded accordingly...tragic cruel joke, isn't it? The challenge now is to try to keep it alive and well by keeping in touch with each other and making sure you continue to invest in the relationship (generall

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: ? | 2009/10/21

My situation is one of me being the woman, and husband not wanting sex. It' s got to be the most frustrating thing in the world!

We had AMAZING sex life before I moved in with him. That' s when it all went downhill. Struggling to get it back to what it was like. It' s been 2 and half years already...and he still doesn' t seem keen  -(

Reply to ?
Posted by: Woman | 2009/10/19

You know, a relationship is hard work. your sex life is part of your relationship. And it' s a drag to work at it.

Women need to realise that for men, having that climax is very healthy (and makes them nicer people too).

Men: If your wife is the one who doesn' t want to have sex, speak to her about it, tell her that you have these needs, and if she won' t oblige, then surely she won' t object to having an open relationship where the both of you are free to have sex (not relationships) with other people.

If you are the wife, and your husband is the culprit, have the same conversation with him.

Everyone should be free to have a fulfilling sex life. If you' re not having a fulfilled sexlife, you are married or involved with the wrong partner. If you want the marriage to work, have an open relationship. If your marriage sucks, end it and then you will both have another opportunity at happiness.

Sex is important for humans, we all do it, we all want to do it, we all think about it all the time. If your sex life sucks, you are to blame. If your unhappy about your sex life , and talking has not helped,and trying has not helped, do something to change it today.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Bev | 2009/10/18

Part of the reason 4 great sex b 4 marriage + particularly living 2 gether is that in ones subconcious mind there is " forbidden fruit + the being naughty, the not quite acceptable"  factors which seems to make sex sooo much more exciting. We lived 2gether for 4-1/2 yrs b4 marriage. Both our parents were not pleased about the situation + it was also contrary to christian values as we were taught. Quite a few people including our minister referred to " living in sin" . All these factors add to the excitement + beleive me they certainly do boost ones sex life. We often spoke about it as being very naughty but very nice. Once there is a " licence + acceptance + nothing wrong now"  in the form of a marriage certificate that part of the excitement is taken away. However we still have great sex after 4 yrs. of marriage but it is somehow a little different, not so naughty anymore because we r " allowed"  to do it now. Hope it makes sense to U.

Reply to Bev
Posted by: Erick | 2009/10/17

This is so weird to read about this from a lady. My wife and I did not live together before marriage, though we dated for several years before we married. We also had an adventurous sex life before our marriage and could not get enough of each other. Afterwards, as you write, perhaps once a week. Now, several years into marriage, maybe once every 6 weeks! And DON' T come with that nonsense of helping her around the house, buying her flowers, surprise weekends away to Mt Grace, romantic dinners, clearing the kitchen, tea in bed every morning, etc,etc,etc..., YAWN - YAWN. I do all of that and more and if anything, I am the disabler = she is taking it for granted, does not see it as anything special! So, these idiots that say it makes women feel special, wanted and appreciated, nonsense = what are these smoking?

Reply to Erick
Posted by: Sexologist | 2009/10/17

We know that it common that when a woman feels secure in a long term relationship, her body chemistry alters after between 6mnths & 4 years (quite a range!). These changes result in a lowering of libido, which in turn makes the sexual response a little more difficult to drive & less exciting. I'm not sure why your lasted 6 years - maybe there was still an element of uncertainty about the security of the attachment...? Furthermore, marriage can bring with it assumptions that your partner will always been there and so either less effort with each other is made, stressors/distractions increase. Try to identify why you married, and what this might have changed within you (psychologically speaking). If it relates to increased commitment/security, it is likely that your body has just responded accordingly...tragic cruel joke, isn't it? The challenge now is to try to keep it alive and well by keeping in touch with each other and making sure you continue to invest in the relationship (generall

Reply to Sexologist

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